An Uplifting Story
As I have shared with a couple of you privately...I wanted to share this publicly as well.I thought it might be an inspiration to some to hear that sometimes humanity will surprise us :) even in dark times when so many have let us down.
We have had 2 pregnancy losses within the last 6 months.
We recently returned from vacation...a vacation that was so healing for me...at least for the time being. Not healED for sure...but vacation gave me space and relaxation and enjoyment and there were no frantic Internet searches for my latest TTC concern.....there were no difficult interpersonal situations to deal with.
I was nervous about how I would fare on vacation. Without DS. Without the Internet and all the things I like to research. Without time to myself to grieve.
I surprised myself and ended up being just fine...in fact more than fine. I felt good for the first time in a long time.
I just lived. And I had some wine. And I had some unpasteurized cheese and I went on the Scrambler at the amusement park. All during my 2WW.
Unfortunately I did not come home to a BFP as I had hoped...but I feel like during that vacation I was living for the first time in a long time.
But that is not the focus of what I wanted to say here. Part of what I want to say is that I turned 40 while on vacation. And this has been a sore point for me emotionally for a while, especially since the miscarriages.
Especially because had the October pregnancy gone well, I would be 8 months pregnant. Especially because had the April pregnancy gone well, I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and we would be announcing to family at my birthday party this weekend that I am pregnant.
So I have dreaded 40 all the more because of the TTC journey and losses.
Being on vacation while turning 40 ended up being a good thing :) On my actual birthday, I swam, I canoed, I went to dinner with a glass of wine. I ate two pieces of cheesecake from the buffet :)
The waitress said is it your birthday? You have this birthday glow about you :) And she brought me out a fancy dessert with the words Happy Birthday spelled out onto the plate with some yummy glaze.
On our drive home from vacation, I realized I would be coming home to Facebook birthday wishes and so I rehearsed in my mind what I would type when I was reunited with the Internet again. Something along the lines of Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a wonderful vacation.
But I decided to say more. I decided I would call it Gratitude--thank them for the birthday wishes and I would announce on Facebook that as some of you know I have had two pregnancy losses and how difficult it has been. And that I say this out loud on Facebook with the hope that some day miscarriage won't be such a taboo and misunderstood suffering for women. And that I also wanted to share how wonderful our vacation was. And how thankful I am for that.
We came home and I thought about it for another day. The next morning I woke up and felt this was a really bad idea. Risky. What if no one responds? What if someone says something insensitive? Is that really something I want to bring on myself?
But I decided to do it anyway. I felt nervous before I clicked "post" but I did it.
What came about was an outpouring that I never would have imagined of "likes" and posts offering support and words of encouragement. And even one person saying I wish you had told us sooner, we could have prayed for you and supported you.
I also received private messages from others. Sharing their stories of loss. One person offering to get together with me to share with me about her miscarriage and the loss of her son and what has gotten her through difficult times. Another women messaging me that she and her husband had a baby that only lived 4 hours and the book that got her through it. And that she has ordered the book for me and it is on its way.
I was touched. And floored. That people cared. And were not alienated by my sharing.
Even a few males responded. Including one who said that I am a stronger person (sharing what I shared) than he is and that he's sorry to hear of our losses.
I just wanted to share this to show that sometimes good exists when we least expect it. And for every 5 or 10 people who don't understand....there is often at least one who does.
And how good it felt for me to speak the truth of the last 6 grief-stricken months of my life.
That I don't need to live in the shadows of this.
And that it is OK to be me and say what I am feeling.
We have had 2 pregnancy losses within the last 6 months.
We recently returned from vacation...a vacation that was so healing for me...at least for the time being. Not healED for sure...but vacation gave me space and relaxation and enjoyment and there were no frantic Internet searches for my latest TTC concern.....there were no difficult interpersonal situations to deal with.
I was nervous about how I would fare on vacation. Without DS. Without the Internet and all the things I like to research. Without time to myself to grieve.
I surprised myself and ended up being just fine...in fact more than fine. I felt good for the first time in a long time.
I just lived. And I had some wine. And I had some unpasteurized cheese and I went on the Scrambler at the amusement park. All during my 2WW.
Unfortunately I did not come home to a BFP as I had hoped...but I feel like during that vacation I was living for the first time in a long time.
But that is not the focus of what I wanted to say here. Part of what I want to say is that I turned 40 while on vacation. And this has been a sore point for me emotionally for a while, especially since the miscarriages.
Especially because had the October pregnancy gone well, I would be 8 months pregnant. Especially because had the April pregnancy gone well, I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and we would be announcing to family at my birthday party this weekend that I am pregnant.
So I have dreaded 40 all the more because of the TTC journey and losses.
Being on vacation while turning 40 ended up being a good thing :) On my actual birthday, I swam, I canoed, I went to dinner with a glass of wine. I ate two pieces of cheesecake from the buffet :)
The waitress said is it your birthday? You have this birthday glow about you :) And she brought me out a fancy dessert with the words Happy Birthday spelled out onto the plate with some yummy glaze.
On our drive home from vacation, I realized I would be coming home to Facebook birthday wishes and so I rehearsed in my mind what I would type when I was reunited with the Internet again. Something along the lines of Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a wonderful vacation.
But I decided to say more. I decided I would call it Gratitude--thank them for the birthday wishes and I would announce on Facebook that as some of you know I have had two pregnancy losses and how difficult it has been. And that I say this out loud on Facebook with the hope that some day miscarriage won't be such a taboo and misunderstood suffering for women. And that I also wanted to share how wonderful our vacation was. And how thankful I am for that.
We came home and I thought about it for another day. The next morning I woke up and felt this was a really bad idea. Risky. What if no one responds? What if someone says something insensitive? Is that really something I want to bring on myself?
But I decided to do it anyway. I felt nervous before I clicked "post" but I did it.
What came about was an outpouring that I never would have imagined of "likes" and posts offering support and words of encouragement. And even one person saying I wish you had told us sooner, we could have prayed for you and supported you.
I also received private messages from others. Sharing their stories of loss. One person offering to get together with me to share with me about her miscarriage and the loss of her son and what has gotten her through difficult times. Another women messaging me that she and her husband had a baby that only lived 4 hours and the book that got her through it. And that she has ordered the book for me and it is on its way.
I was touched. And floored. That people cared. And were not alienated by my sharing.
Even a few males responded. Including one who said that I am a stronger person (sharing what I shared) than he is and that he's sorry to hear of our losses.
I just wanted to share this to show that sometimes good exists when we least expect it. And for every 5 or 10 people who don't understand....there is often at least one who does.
And how good it felt for me to speak the truth of the last 6 grief-stricken months of my life.
That I don't need to live in the shadows of this.
And that it is OK to be me and say what I am feeling.
Replies
Thank you for sharing. This is something I struggle with because part of me wants to be outspoken and raise awareness, ask for prayers, etc. I have been testing the waters off face book, and the people I have told have been wonderful and so encouraging. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to let the whole world know...
I am so glad you had such an uplifting experience! I also shared my infertility/miscarriage story on FB and got an overwhelmingly positive and supportive response. People are good. And it really is OK to be you and say what you are feeling.
And I\'m glad you had a great vacation and were able to let go and \"live\". You needed that :)
Love this! Thank you!
I am so glad you stepped out of your comfort zone and took a risk and even \"gladder\" that it paid off. That you were surprised with kindness and not insensitivity. I love when life surprises us like this. And I\'m so glad you had a great vacation - I think we could all use one!
Wow you are so strong. I just told one person today about my 3rd mc and it was hard. I\'m glad you got such good support. You are right that a vaca might not fix it all but the break from the everyday challenge of IF is good.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for the support ladies :))) I am glad to hear that some of you have gotten good responses as well. It can be jolting when you\'re used to not getting what you need from certain friends and family members. The more it is talked about...the more it is in the open...the more people can understand. And the more we can feel heard and less alone.
i am so glad you got such a positive and supportive response from your fb friends/family! I also shared when we lost our 1st baby on fb, most ppl were totally shocked and offered so much support and condolences. I also got several messages from other women telling me their story of loss and how they went on to have healthy babies. I am glad u had the same experience :) I was worried about putting myself out there bc I didn\'t want ppl to assume I wanted pity. it was far from that. miscarriage is so taboo, like u said, and if something happened to another persons living child they would post about it, so why not post about my child too? I am also glad u had such a great, healing vacation and birthday! happy belated!
Thank you :) I agree so wholeheartedly with everything you said...how this is loss like any other. And I\'m SO GLAD you had a similar positive experience via sharing. Thanks for sharing.
Wow! SoMuchHoping, you\'ve just taught me how to live and enjoy life. The things you wrote in your post above, I can SO relate to it all. I suppose, we all can. And what you wrote about just going ahead and \'enjoying\' life for all that it is, is so very important.
I\'m taking this as a lesson for me. I\'m just recovering from a third mc and losing my baby a third time is worse than ever but I\'m going to live life in the moment and be grateful for all the rest that I have; my own life and health, an amazing husband, and so much around me to enjoy....
Thank you, honey. Your post is helping me heal.
:)
I can\'t thank you enough for you words. I\'ve been having a difficult week...seem to have forgotten my own \"advice\"...and so the timing of your message here was so perfect. Yes, embrace the other joys that life has to offer. Be it a walk outside...an adventure...swimming....time with your husband...your health....a good movie...a good book....taking lessons to learn something new....Life has so much to offer. And as my husband often tells me...even though he understands how extremely difficult this journey has been...lately he tells me you don\'t want to look back on these years and feel like you missed out on living. So true.
SoMuchHoping, you certainly have a great husband and that must make your journey a tad bit easier. I too have an amazing spouse but there are other factors that do weigh us down. Nevertheless, I know I can count on him.
And that thing about \'you don\'t want to look back on these years and feel like you missed out on living\'.....that is SO true! I look back at 2012 and all I see is a struggle to deal with all the baggage that comes with recurrent losses. Painful, is too small a word. But I don\'t, really don\'t want to get reduced to a mess because of my losses. I really want to rise above these challenges and see that life is still beautiful.
Keep the journal entries coming. And I totally understand feeling above the situation one day, and feeling totally the opposite another! It\'s the truth about \'healing\'...
Have a good weekend and do something special that you can talk to me/us about in the next week.
I love this. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing. I, too, hope miscarriage, infant loss, ect becomes less & less of a taboo. I think the more women who speak out about it the more educated people will become about it. I\'m so glad you got so much support & of course we\'re all here to support you as well.
Peacejoylove,
I love what you said about not wanting to get \"reduced to a mess because of my losses\". And to rise above.
Those are powerful words.
Someone said that to me when my pregnancy in the fall was iffy and the dr was predicting a miscarriage but it wasn\'t happening. Someone said to me \"You just have to rise above it all.\"
And I thought seriously? That\'s the best advice you can offer me!?!? It sounded cold.
But interestingly...it stuck in my mind over the months and has been helpful to me. Because if you don\'t find a way to rise above it....you will drown in it.
Doesn\'t mean I don\'t have my drowning days....but eventually I have to go back to rising above it all.
LilMissStepney...Aw I\'m glad you feel inspired. Thank you for your kind words.
I know this is an old journal post but I just read it and was very moved. It was profound and I am glad it helped you.
I had a friend that I confided in regarding my IVF struggles. She said how sorry she was and wished she has known.
I also told her we were left with no choice but to stop IVF and move onto adoption so that\'s when she piped up. She said in the most lovig and encouraging way that I had to put it out there to he universe and let everyone know what we were seeking. She said my secretiveness (I call it private nature) was actually harming me and I was keeping t all to myself when so many people love and support me. And as far as adoption aw said the more you out it out there, well, you never know.
So I actually started doing that - slowly putting it out there. And it\'s been interesting because I\'ve had two people approach me out of the blue about \"situations\" with parents who cannot care for their very young babies or toddlers. (We are only interested in under age 3 to adopt).
I don\'t know if anything will come of them but it has been interesting to mainly see that you A) Can and should trust most people you know for support with difficult times and B) To put it out there. Tell people what you want to do. For me it was both fear of failure as well as being judged that I was too old and then getting a lecture or laughs or insensitive comments. (I\'m in my 40s).
Thank you for your journal.