An Unpleasant Reminder...
I hear him calling again from the next room. I go to put his lotion on his legs to help with dryness and discomfort due to poor circulation issues. Then i take care of the dog and leave him out again. i come back inside and answer a couple of new posts in the sexless relationship group
As I type, I do have to fight back tears. This does bring it all home....the fact that i continue to do for others while i have to settle for noone doing anything or even cnsidering me. This emptiness i want so badly to fill. ... To share all i have to give with someone who also wants the same. At this very moment, I can't see or feel this ever happening. .....and here come the tears.....
Replies
Yes that sounds very unpleasant and how he seems totally unresponsive to some fairly obvious facts. As a caregiver a patients ability to offer Thanks is a big part of that relationship and it doesn’t appear mutually beneficial.
I did get that thanks...so I suppose i should be grateful.
Hugs my friend. Let those tears fall. You are doing the best you can. I was living like that too, It was all for him, me, I was put on the back burner for years. Learn to love yourself first, learn to be your own best friend. It is not easy but you have to try.
Girl I'd let his a$$ be ashy lol! I know that's not very nice, but I would :P
Don't give up on love! It may seem hopeless right now but there's still hope, trust me you know I believe in it even after all the crap I've been through! Continue taking care of YOU and getting YOU together! Tell him call his sister's and/or family.
It does appear and feel at times that your not getting anything in return for all your efforts. I can only say continue to do good by your fellow man, and you will be rewarded. It will happen when you least expect it...
This is dry cup thinking. Having every single ounce immediately drained from your cup every single day of your life affects you. I robs you of compassion for your fellow man where you would normally be more than willing to perform such a simple act to alleviate another person's suffering.
My husband and I were in a terrible auto accident about...gosh it's been about ten years ago. He had minor injuries but I had life threatening ones. I basically had to have my right hand surgically reattached and my right leg was broken in three different places. My husband took his vacation time to spend a little over two weeks in the hospital with me. He spoke for me when I couldn't speak for myself, hit my morphine pump when I was too stubborn to do it myself and held me when I was probably my least attractive. He took training on giving me home IV's and how to change bandages.
Getting discharged felt so wonderful, until I realized how little I could do for myself and that the care giving I was getting from a whole team now fell on the strong shoulders of just one man. I was in a wheelchair for months, on a strange walker that compensated from my still healing hand, then crutches and eventually a cane. I couldn't stand being at home all day, so I went back to work half days and worked from home.
My husband was absolutely amazing. He got up every morning at about 3 am, wrapped plastic over my bandages, got me in the shower, washed my hair, blew dry it, dressed me and drove me to work before going to work himself. He'd take an 2 hour lunch break to pick me up, take me home and get me settled. This extended his workday considerably. He'd come home, usually with dinner, set up my IV, change out my bandages and throw our clothing and sheets in the washer. He was ALWAYS a good sport about it, never complained or made me feel that I was a burden.
One day, he had a far away look on his face while changing out my bandages. I told him that I couldn't imagine how difficult the last couple of months has been for him and how sorry I was that all this fell on him. He caught my eye and his smile came back in an instant. His response was that he was just happy we both survived and he didn't want to see me in pain. He admitted that although this was an exhausting time for both of us, this situation was temporary. He reminded me that I was healing up nicely and soon we'd be back to our normal life. He saw the most important thing as us both working together for a common purpose. He didn't see it as him taking care of me. I had an obligation to do my best to help myself and get better so we could enjoy our lives together. I knew in that instant that his cup was getting low and though he'd never admit it, he was struggling.
I hesitate to think what would have happened to our marriage if I had long term problems instead of temporary ones. I honestly could not have expected my husband to continue to do for me, slowing emptying his cup a little more each day until he had nothing left to give. If we were NOT closely bonded and working to GET BACK TO the relationship we had, that would mean he was simply spending his entire life maintaining my physical well being for no other purpose than my survival. When couples care take each other, it is supposed to be out of love and because your bond is strong and real. If not, then professional caretakers or extended family should provide the care. I think you've done your share of giving.
I am so very glad that you two have that. sadly, that care, compassion and working together is nowhere to be found . I am so very tired of struggling alone.
I am ashamed to say i do sometimes feel angry and resentful now as I do try to help him with his health issues. I think part of this may be because there are alot of things he is to be working on himself to try to improve, but he does not bother. Why am i trying to help someone who refuses to help himself? (Been there, done that...or tried. It sucks.)
Your cup is empty. I worry that you are going to feel this way until you find out some way to refill it again.
I believe you are right. I have my moments when I am so desperate for that I do not trust myself. But if I do actually think long and hard and REMEMBER all that I am discovering (about myself, him and others) perhaps i may be a bit better equipped ....not just to go forward with my own life , but to perhaps consider if I would still like to pursue my someone special "and hunt him down like a big game hunter" ?
LOL...(Now where have I heard that before???)