An unexpected turn

So last week i was at the precipice of my marriage. I just could not handle the hostility anymore and I had starting preparing mentally for a separation and divorce. It could have been a culmination of external negative events that had led me to a breaking point but I was messaging my sister to say this isit I'm done. I wasn't thinking of what will happen to the kids, to me, finances- i had nothing but to lose my mental health was not going to happen. My H had drop the nanny and before he left I said we need to talk. He sarcastically said "GHa it's about time"... And i prepared for the worst. I had been crying the entire morning as i had been up cleaning the house, doing household chores and tending to the kids. I wasn't in a good state at all. He came home said "are you ready to be honest with me. To treat me like a human being?"( what did he mean what does he mean he keeps throwing this in)and I could see he too was anxious but the anger was so overpowering and i mustered up the courage to say- i am done. He was shocked this was unexpected...

"Done! Done????!" He slams the glass. And i tell him the many reasons we shouldnt be together.. Back and forth back and forth.. And then an unexpected twist of events. He undresses himself and stands naked infront of me saying that this is him all of him broken and imperfect he sweeps me into his arms and says i must look at him.. For a long while and says i forgive you he says it over and over. He says he'a still angry but he will always love me and forgive me. That he wants me with all my imperfections and mistakes. I broke down and i told him that im too broken that i cant get past what i had done to us to our family..that we are incompatible and have always been. ... And then we reconnected in a beautiful way.

And things have been good since. I just cant understand, two things: what sparked th change my mention of divorce? For how long until things become hostile again? How he has forgiven me when i cant forgive myself. I can't let go? It's like as much i fear divorce i fear staying in a marriage with my bad decisions and mistakes. It looks me in the face everyday its ugly it makes me feel unworthy. Maybe im coward and wold rather runaway from my problems. I have made really really massive changes in my life - really good positove ones yet i dont feel enough. I feel a fake. How i was thinking of divorce and then suddenly i'm all 'happy' and romantic with my H again. I guess im so scared. I know we have a long road- the 1st anniv of DDay is coming up in 2 weeks.

All i want is to be able to live an authentic life with myself and family. Does your past define you forever?

Replies

thepassenger
thepassenger

No, your past doesn\'t define you forever. It\'s always there but you define yourself in the present. In the past I was a shy, dorky kid with a bad haircut. But you know what? I have a killer haircut now.

If you\'re reconnecting and it feels right to you, don\'t let your own bad feelings and fears sabotage your happiness. (If it doesn\'t feel right, well you have some thinking to do.)

Your past is always with you but your future is determined by the choices you make today. So try to make better ones. We all fail sometimes but what is important is to get back up and keep on going anyway.
prettyanddumb12
prettyanddumb12

I swear we are like the same person living the same life!
thepassenger
thepassenger

Adding that I think this feeling of wanting a divorce and then suddenly not wanting it could mean that you still have that connection with your husband and that you can overcome all of this and work to build a stronger and better marriage for both of you. It\'s possible.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

I know we have to forgive ourselves eventually. That\'s what I am working on in IC.
emptybuthopeful
emptybuthopeful

I guess i\'m sort\'ve stuck in the \"how long will this honeymoon phase last\", are we really working through things, how do I love and forgive myself, how can my H love me after what I have done. HOW? I think where I am now - and if the roles were reversed and my H made positive changes the way I know I have I know I would have forgiven him and opened my heart completely if I knew that he was honest and genuine. I am honest and genuine in the changes I\'ve made, who I am as a result of it (i think).. This gives me comfort that maybe H and I were always destined for each other, broken as we now are. I know this.

Prettyand Dumb where are you now- going through the motions? Are you reconnecting? Please message me if you like.

The Passenger, they say even if there\'s the tiniest reason to stay you should stay. okay it goes something like that. I feel emotionally vulnerable.

He keeps saying are you ready to be honest with me and i keep saying no. The life i\'m living now IS honest and open. my previous life no. Will i always be living on edge?

Graving Girl what does truly forgiving yourself feel like.

I have excruciating worthless moments and other times I feel I love the person I have become I only wish I never made the decisions I did to get here. But wasn\'t it always going to play out this way? Isn\'t that how life works? Other days I wish I could die because my H doesn\'t deserve what happened to him and I wish he would find someone good.
guiltyassin
guiltyassin

Empty, just my two cents, your H is really asking about the details. Have you disclosed all? Even the little ones. Like the shirt you wore on such and such encounter. From experience, my W needed to hear the whole store about fourty times.... And she still asks questions today. 18mos after D-Day. Every act, every place, every meeting, every text, call, email. That\'s probably the truth he is looking for. I did disclose everything. Not easy. Prayers for you.
leavingabetterman
leavingabetterman

If he is asking you to be honest.. About what? Looks like to me you have been honest.. Like Guilt said.. Is it the details he wants?

I am now about 18 months out. I simply think it is healthier for her and I individually and our M that no more of what I done be open for discussion unless it is determined to be extremely imperative. reliving any of it with her.. Seeing how it still hurts her.. Is now detrimental.. I truly think if roles were reversed I would feel the same at this 18 month out point..
Yes, I expect and get \"jabs\" from her every once in awhile .. Like an Ali left..

I just take it..

If topics come up.. Well, I occasionally remind her that it was such a bad or \"wrong\" time for me that I am losing almost all memory of it.. (And ExOW) And there is ALOT of truth in that. Use it if helps Empty.. No copyright violation .. And I am sorry you have all this turmoil. I do unfortunately remember the hurt and pain I caused W 18 months ago.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

At some point, I wonder if the detail disclosure should end. My BS has not asked for all that many details, but it was an 8+ month affair in which we talked almost every day and met 2-3 times per week, so it would be a novel if I wrote it down (what I can even remember).
emptybuthopeful
emptybuthopeful

That is just it- I don\'t know. Because when i said to him i can\'t be honest as i don\'t remember those finer details he said that\'s not what he wants. What does he want? I can\'t remember the kinds of things like how many times or if certain things even happened- it was 3 years ago. And my memory is a medical problem since childhood I had to go for remedial classes for memory. I know it sounds like hogwash. Certain things i remember really well and others not. Dates timeframes, not at all. It affects me in the working environment.

Also my main reason for not wanting to go too deep into details is because there are already reminders everywhere. Suburbs, street names, certain cars. He said at some point he\'d let the details go when he is satisfied with what he knows and believes is true. I said it will never be enough. What good is the details?? I\'ve sealed this box of memories and blocked most of it. When i dwell on it it sets me back physically, mentally, spiritually. Even being on DS is tough. I can\'t deal with the fact that I had done what I did. I was not thinking about anyone but myself in this time. And i keep thinking how could I who was this person. GravingGirl how long ago was the A?

Leavingabetterman, how do you deal with those jabs. How is your W dealing overall?

GuiltyasSin what makes it that much harder is that i wasn\'t truthful from the beginning which made him wonder why i confessed in the first place if i was only going to share half of the details or lie about the details. I know i was coward I hadn\'t thought about it before i confessed I didn\'t know what to say. I just felt horrible and ashamed and didn\'t want to expose just how awful i was. To discuss details is horrific for BS and CS. Despite what BS\'s may say.
emptybuthopeful
emptybuthopeful

and when things are going \'okay\' do you still want to bring up things? coz it\'s really been bothering me. Would BS\'s want that?
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

My D-day was only 6.5 months ago, and I think my recovery is somewhat slow because we do not have firm NC at this point. His wife subpoenaed me into their divorce case, so we have communicated about it, and I am still dealing with handing over materials.

It is excruciating to provide details, I agree. I look back and wonder how I did what I did. My worst point was when his wife was in the hospital for a minor illness more than a year ago, and we thought, yippee, we can meet that day and let it get physical because she isn\'t around. It really makes me think about my own integrity and who I want to be. I don\'t think I will ever be that person again, the one who can live a double life as if it doesn\'t affect families.
guiltyassin
guiltyassin

Graving - that sounds absolutely terrifying. I am sorry you are having to deal with the legal aspect, as if the mental/emotional were not enough. God, this is a messy business, isn\'t it.

Like you, I look back at certain acts and cannot believe I did some of those things..... urged my wife to take a \"girls weekend\" to do the same.... completely abandoned who I thought I was.... never again.
guiltyassin
guiltyassin

Empty - I don\'t bring things up anymore. If my W wants to talk about it, I make myself available.

Couple of things here -
1. I believe my W is being \"indulgent\" in these Q&A periods....they shoudn\'t last 5 hours. I set a 30 minute time limit. I have to be aware of my own emotional and mental health, as well. We take a 30 minute break and resume, if she needs it. If I sound selfish, oh well, I don\'t see mucking around in the mud as helpful...
2. I answer with brutal honesty. I don\'t do it out of spite, or to hurt my W, but eventually she will accept what I say as truth, or won\'t. Dosn\'t change the facts about my side of the matter. Even the hard questions \"What did she do that I didn\'t do for you physically?\" says W. \"She gave me head without me having to beg for it, and she role played, and she dressed in lingerie, and she didn\'t have an issue with me finishing inside her.\" answer Guilty. Truth hurts....but it is absolute. It is truth.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

I think a time limit is a healthy boundary. One of the things that came up for me in therapy is that I DO have a right to end a conversation or argument if I am feeling overwhelmed/shutting down/feeling violated/feeling suicidal and then reschedule it for another time when we are calmer or have more energy. The same applies to my husband. Being the WS doesn\'t mean my feelings are invalid. Before therapy, I was getting beaten down in confrontations that were leading to nothing positive for either of us.
emptybuthopeful
emptybuthopeful

Wow Guilty yes that\'s indeed brutal honesty. I can\'t ever be that brutal it\'s just too hurtful and what good is it? I don\'t feel that way. But you\'re right about having that time limit or it will go on indefinitely. How does your W respond to such honesty? Is it to torture themselves? Graving Girl and Guilty I share that shame over doing certain things that looking back is just downright shameful, inconsiderate, responsible and you can throw all the negatives out there. Because you don\'t actually think of anything outside of the A. it all seems irrational now but back then you were on some other trip in some other world, living some other life, the aftermath is terrible. That\'s what makes it selfish but I don\'t believe because you\'re a selfish or non-compassionate person...

Graving Girl your situation is so messy and i really feel for you.... I know about questioning your integrity... it\'s the worst to feel an ugliness way beyond physically.