An Invisible Heart: Depression, Jesus, and the Devil
Today I sought healing, for the 596th time...or so
I wrote on my prayer request sheet that I wanted to be healed from mental illness.
I enter a room with an elderly married couple, (who would be praying for me).
The first question the husband asked was WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS?
I replied BECAUSE THE DOCTOR DIAGNOSED ME.
(Jesus heal me)
What followed was several prayers of deliverance from the ENEMY.
(Jesus heal me)
I am not healed.
The couple spent almost two hours PRAYING for me
(Jesus heal me)
Something is still very wrong.
It is something I cannot even describe. It is a silent but deadly pain. If emotions were people, I would be FEAR. I am a walking question mark. For a VERY long time, I believed I was the DEVIL. (Jesus heal me) I believe in GOD, pray to JESUS, and at one time believed I felt Him.
My experience of reality is fear. I cannot look people in the eyes. I have no relationships. I spend my time TRYING to connect with LORD in every possible way.
If it was possible that JESUS could turn a seeminly normal human into the DEVIL, then that is what has happened to me. I consider myself CHRISTIAN so I don't BELIEVE in past lives. IF there were, I would be the fallen angel LUCIFER himself. (Jesus help me)
I need help, says my heart. My mind does not know where to go. Jesus is everywhere, yet I cannot CONNECT. It is as if I have become invisible...as if the very essence of who I am is lost in the universe.
Replies
Hi,
I am a Christian as well, and I struggle with paranoia that I don’t really believe or that I am forever insufficient,
Not one tiny bit of me believes you are the devil. Perhaps the devil is torturing you, though, and I’m very sorry that this world is fallen and that these things can happen. I have felt afraid for years despite my beliefs. Please know that mental illness does not equal your identity. God sees your suffering and sees and knows your heart, He can hear your cries for a connection. For me, worship with a small group of people allows me to feel God’s presence. You might not always hear his voice, and you may not recognize how He’s moving in your life.
It helps me to read the Psalms that express great sorrow. It reminds me that people in the Bible had extremely negative feelings as well and that it is human. Fear is not a sin, even Jesus was afraid to die on the cross.
I have not been healed from my mental illnesses either, despite much prayer for me. Sometimes I think Christians suffer to show the strength God has given that (and anyone who lives with a mental illness shows strength just by powering through).
Please hear me: you are NOT the devil., and I honestly feel that no person who has asked Jesus for forgiveness from their sins and for salvation and believes in him/professes their belief could be possessed. Though you could command any demons/the devil that may be tormenting you to flee in Jesus name.
However, I do think you should seek intensive treatment or otherwise one on one with a psychologist/psychiatrist if you haven’t yet. You are really suffering, and I’m so sorry. It seems your mental illness is concealing your true identity and that is why you feel your essence is lost.
Thank you, by the way, for encouraging me to vent. You are welcome to respond to me in a message as well. I’ll be praying for you to feel God’s peace and the warmth of His love for you <3
Thank you for sharing. Thank you, question, as I completely agree. I have faith, and have been prayed for and pray for healing, yet I have not been healed. In my suffering, I know I need The Lord everyday, because I cry out to Him to help me everyday. He answers my prayers, because I am still here to type this. That is a miracle as much as healing. Sometimes we just need time to grow in understanding and transform into a more godly person. It is being broken down to be built up stronger. The evil enemy is attacking you by using your Mental Illness as a megaphone. It does make it harder to focus on That Still Small Voice. That is why we as follow Christians can speak up to tell you how much The Lord loves you and that you aren't and have never been the devil. You are His amazing and wonderful child, who was brothers and sisters who love you very much too. We add to His Voice. We are His Hands and Feet, while He is our heart, spirit, and soul. Even when our mind might fail us, He is there to carry us on, using everything that is His. Sometimes a healing is just enough for us to continue on and grow stronger from that. You are a great blessing to me, Carina. No evil past present or future could ever be that blessing. Thank you. A person who lost their leg prays to walk again. Then they notice that The Lord had given them a crutch all along, even if they wanted their leg back. Yet still they can walk on. I have learned that The Lord answers prayers in ways that we might not notice. You are always in my prayers. God Bless.
I have had similar feelings in the past. I took me a LONG time (40 years) but I realized that anxiety/depression can lie to you and make you believe things that are NOT true. Are you seeing a doctor and taking any meds? If not, please do my friend. God is with you. Jesus is with you. When we get trapped in the black pit of depression we can't feel Jesus anymore but he IS there carrying us. It's just too dark and chaotic in our anxiety/depressed minds to see or feel Him. Why do we suffer? I believe it is God trying to teach us a lesson. What is the lesson? We won't know until we are supposed to know. Please keep you faith in God as He is with you through the suffering. Please keep us posted my friend :)
I believe Shane is absolutely right. Often I have felt forgotten and left wondering, but would come to realize from circumstances, just what He did intend for me to discover. (I do believe God knows all too well I need to work on my patience...and is putting me to the test. )
You are not invisible. My thoughts and prayers are with you.