An evening home alone

FB is becoming boring. I feel quite down. Then suddenly there were 2 gun shot bang bang outside in the street that distracted me. And the gate bell rang loud downstair. I was freezed in my sofa. My roommate wasn't home. My neighbours seemed ignore it. I was in a great fear, quietly walked to the balcony, looked down. A still body lying on the pavement. People around him. I wanted to faint if I could. But I rarely faint.
I thought of my sisters. If they could have been there. I thought of no man. Not anyone.
What was I thinking before that? ... Oh, remember now.
Every now and then, I must remind myself of all the reasons I broke up with him a year ago. I don't understand why I don't forget yet, why sometimes I still wonder what if... When will I stop asking "why"? Once I remember all the reasons that I broke up with him, then I feel ok. But every now and then, I'll forget again.
That's like a fight. I'm fighting myself to gain the control of my feelings.