An Epiphany
Today, while thinking on things, especially after reading some posts and answers on the board I had this epiphany. While it might seem ridiculously obvious, it has taken me awhile to figure it out. I happen to be one who learns in pieces. The reasons for looking outside the marriage are not always simple and there can be more than one. It seems to me that many of us have some type of childhood issues and also I notice many (or a large part) have codependency issues as well.
I came to the realization over 5 years ago that I was addicted to the feelings that an A gave me or should I say the AP gave. I looked for that rush, the high, the feeling wanted. What I also realized (today) is that I am also addicted to the fantasy aspect of it. The daydreaming of different scenarios, the wondering, the playing out in my mind what could or could not happen in the future, etc. Of course all of this leads to escape, feeling wanted etc. For me, this seems to be the common theme for all my A's. Not all my A's made me feel wanted or validated. Id accept crumbs and make them into beautiful masterpieces. It was all about the fantasy and make believe.
Now that I have this new found aha, I can work harder at keeping my mind busy with other things so I will not go there. I will work hard at shifting my thoughts to something else the minute a thought comes in that has anything to do with male attention or my former male attention giver. This is where CBT helped me for over a year and I am going to use it to the bes tof my ability because honeslty, I am really done with this bullshit of wondering what he thinks and how he feels and if he is ignoring me and why. At the end of the day when I sort through all the feelings I realize I dont give a shit really. I only care about the fantasy his attention created for me. Sure my feelings get hurt. I am very sensitive but its not something I cant get over!
Replies
Great journal entry.
I am 2+ years of NC with the big A of 3 years that brought me here, but I've had a few aftershocks of that Earthquake.
Therapy helped me understand myself as an ACOH and codependency issues as well as both my parents cheated. My therapist said that it can also be a learned behavior- that I learned that it's ok to cheat and there are no consequences- coupled with grief and a neglectful marriage at the time-
Then like you said for me it became the addiction piece.
I'm not saying any of that is an excuse but it does bring awareness.
I need to look in to CBT. The end of THAT affair is my anchor and I just can't seem to forget him or it for good. I wonder if CBT would be helpful. And how it all was and how it all ended I should want that. I rarely if ever think of my other APs- not like this.
It sure is a journey. Sometimes I wish it all never happened sometimes I'm grateful for the lesson.
The idea of other options in life, other versions of life to live, is seductive.
Shoretime, My last A, which ended over 6 years ago (although I kept up contact afterward and I am the one who ended the A)was probably the one where my feelings didn't end for him till very long after. I was addicted to him (really the feelings and the high) and I could not accept the fact that I wasn't enough. I broke it off because it was evident he only wanted me for sex but I had strong feelings for him. The more he ignored me or pushed me away the more I tried to get him to have feelings for me. Never worked.
Even though there are no excuses and even though they hurt us, like you, I believe they are part of the journey and will bring us to where we need to be. There is a lot to be learned to continue moving forward and growing. Sure I wish it didn't happen and sure I wish I wasn't as fucked up as I am but at least I am doing something about it so I can be a much better person.
I believe everyone has their issues. You have to get down to the real reason it is bothering you so.
CBT was very good for me but never a cure all. You can Google it and see if there is a provider near you.
gravinggirl, It sure is seductive.....like a freakin drug. It's why we become addicted to it. Any time I do anything, whether it is looking at one's Fb, Googling information or fantasizing, whatever.....I think of it like taking a hit off the crack pipe. It only leads you back to bedlam.
Doing my best to stay away. My last guy I am friends with on FB since nothing really happened so I am not looking at his profile, refuse to see when he was last on and do all I can to avoid anything to do with him. Is it easy? No. It is fighting the inner voice and the addictive behavior.
He rarely posts and never comments nor likes my posts so pretty safe that way. I think he is avoiding me right now at all costs although not quite sure why but I am taking the attitude "not my problem" nor my business what he thinks. Cant control it and not going to try anymore. It really shouldn't matter and I am doing all I can to make sure it doesn't.
It is a battle for sure but like any other addiction, you have to fight against it till it no longer is there.
I am going to start doing other things to help myself by keeping busy, doing things that make me feel good and make me happy.
I was told by my therapist that the A is just the cover for what is underlying and causing us to look for the A (or attention, affection, etc).
Have to figure that out and then you have your answers.
There aren't many who don't have childhood issues. It's how we handle those memories that get us into trouble. We talk about Lenoire as a person who is some kind of psycho, judgemental bible thumper who thinks she's better than anyone. But really, doesn't she fit the description of a person who has childhood issues? We just handled our issues in a different way.
I think all of us fell into the "fantasy" trap, dreaming of different scenarios where, of course, we would be together & all would fall into place, our life complete. That was "the fog". Now we know what happened & can now deal with it.
Welcome to the other side. hugs
Thank you. Ive been on the other side for quite awhile until I sot attention from YG. Luckily I have counseling and techniques under my belt to help but sometimes the past can rear it's ugly head and throw a curve ball. All is good.