An end to the year.
Hi All, I have not posted lately and wanted everyone to know how much their support has meant to me theses past couple of months. The Christmas holyday with the daughters and grandkid was great but also very sad. My Wife had put her wedding rings back on and I realized how much I love her, always have. But there was a moment on Christmas eve when we stood next to each other looking at all the Santa stuff we had sat out, and we remembered all the loving years we had done that together before, at that moment I felt from the look in her eyes that it would be our last. (And to be open with all: I am having a very hard time writing this because of the emotions that it brings along with the tears). This past week she has again replaced our wedding rings with a plain silver band. and has returned to being away from the house whenever she can be. When she is there she is cordial. Remembering all the good times makes me want to withdraw back to where I was. Since I was able to confront the Wife back in November she has not been as confrontational or verbally abusive, almost none. I am thinking "I put up with it for 23 years, Why should I destroy the good that was also in those years" it's very painful today, wanting to love her but knowing the intimacy and companionship I need, turns her stomach. I can't beg anymore, and when I do go to her I hear all comments she has made to me through the years replaying in my head. I feel I will forever be a little messed up or a lot insecure now. I am feeling that what I have is the best I will ever have. And at my age maybe that is better than never finding someone else who wants to share our lives together. Being completely alone and no one to even notice if "you've fallen and can't get up" (Hey I found some humor!) is a worse thought that living the life that I have had. Well enough of my pity party. I truly pray that all my friends here at DS find that walking a new path forward in 2011 is easier that what has been behind them.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
RDC (WTconfused)
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
RDC (WTconfused)
Replies
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I am hoping that you will consider THIS alternative in your mind today....
Instead of convincing yourself that being alone for the rest of your life is the worst case scenario (and trust me and others who are well along in the post-divorce process -- you have as good a chance as anyone of meeting someone new), consider what it would be like to remain in a relationship with someone who so obviously doesn\'t care about you?
I reached a turning point in my 18 Months of Hell where I stood up in session with my therapist and declared \"I would be 100 times better off by myself than to stay married to him!\" It had taken me MONTHS to get to that point, but once I got there, I never looked back. NEVER!
This is a PROCESS, my friend, and it doesn\'t happen overnight or easily. I pray that you will get yourself into therapy (or remain in therapy if you already are) and reach the point where you realize that your happiness and self-worth is no one\'s responsibility but YOUR OWN. It takes TWO PEOPLE to make a marriage work and be healthy. You can\'t do it alone. Letting go of the past is difficult, but it is entirely possible. When you reach that point, you are free to become once again your Authentic Self.
And as far as your remarks about your AGE -- I was 52 when my X took a hike; about two weeks shy of 54 when the divorce was finally final. Consider the fact that women usually have a more difficult time finding a new partner after age 50 than men of the same age! A miracle? Yes, in a way, but it was helped along by all the hard work I did with my therapist, my faith and the encouragement of some true blue friends.
Don\'t give up on yourself! Joy is out there -- you just have to find it again!
CowgirlKathi said it well, WT. i strongly encourage you to be in therapy during this challenging time. you will benefit greatly by it. you deserve all the happiness and companionship and love God has to offer you.
the clouds will one day disappear ... and one day it WILL be a bright shiny day. blessings, my friend.
Ditto Cowgirl Kathi\'s wise message: you do not have to settle for a verbally abusive relationship and there is no guarantee that you will end up alone.
You are the same age I was when my divorce was final. I will not say the dating road has been smooth, but it certainly has been interesting. But I will say this--since my divorce, my life is much more PEACEFUL, SERENE, CALM, and FULFILLING. I have done more things, traveled more places, and had more fun than I ever did with my ex, who was controlling and verbally abusive.
Do I miss the \"good times\"--sure. When I look at my Christmas tree, I think of all the past Christmases with him, but I also remember sadness associated with those times too. He would pick fights and be nasty. I don\'t need that and neither do you.
I really think counseling would help. I am back in counseling, getting a \'tune up\' of my spirit. I hope you consider it.
You do have to work and find happiness. Settling for a relationship of one-sided love is mentally and emotionally taxing. I think that is why I ended up with chronic depression at age 40. I think my subconscious knew I wasn\'t getting what I needed emotionally and I just started shutting down. Don\'t walk my path--it\'s too painful. You deserve better.
Go get it.
Big hugs to you--you are stronger than you realize.
Thank You ALL for your words of encouragement. AND I am continuing with see my consular. The rational side of me knows I have the opportunity to meet many people in the future and it also tells me in the long run I will be happier, Today with the changing of the old year into a new year has just left me a moment to reflect on what is to come and it SCARES the $&!* out of me. My good senses would tell me the same as you, it is just harder to hear myself at these times. SO THANK YOU my dear DS friends for today I needed your support and you are there. Happy New Year!