An End to Family Counseling for the Summer?
Tuesday, May 19, 2009 - 11 AM I had another counseling session with my brother yesterday. Although my Access-A-Ride driver picked me up almost two hours ahead of time, I was still fifteen minutes late getting to my appointment. That was partially due to his having to pick up another client and drop that person off downtown. (Knowing where that person lived, might have helped my driver somewhat.) The counseling session went well even though it ended with a surprise. My brother (Lee) waited until the session was almost over and then stated that he needed to say one more thing. I pointed out that he had promised not to continue waiting until the end of a meeting before saying something like that. He said that since it was summer time, he would like to discontinue with the counseling sessions until next fall. He added that we had been talking to one another, as well as e-mailing each other, and he thought that we were getting along much better and that our relationship had improved a lot. Dale said it was okay with him if he wanted to take a break during the summer. Lee told him that since we were now getting along so well, he wanted to see what we could do on our own, rather than continuing with the counseling sessions. I agreed that we were doing better, but said that I would like to continue seeing Dale on a one-to-one basis, rather than stopping. Dale agreed to that. Dale said he had been concerned about the feelings I had had of being abandoned in the past. He asked me if I was afraid that there might be a time in the future when my brother and sister might put me in a nursing home again, I said yes, that I had been worried about that, but that I also had made some plans of my own in order to avoid that. I then told him that if that seemed about to happen I was prepared to go back to the first home health agency I was with because I knew that they did not like nursing homes, and that they had also promised that they would take me back as a client should the need arise. I added that both my doctor, and my social worker, would do everything they could to keep me out of a nursing home. Dale agreed to that as well. Lee said that when I had been placed in a nursing home, they had not known of any other options for me. He added that they had not expected me to be there as long (one year) as I had been. He also said that he thought my niece, Kathy, had pretty much talked me into moving to Denver. I said that was true, and that she had said why not move there where I could be around people who would love me. I added that I thought sticking a person in a nursing home was an odd way of showing love. It seemed to me that Lee was trying to justify why I had been placed in the nursing home. He did this partly by asking me if I hadn't been treated well there. I said that it had not been the case, and both Lee and Dale wanted me to explain that I quickly saw that I had backed myself into a corner with only one way out, so I told them that I had been sexually abused while in the nursing home. Both of them looked shocked. They said that I had not said anything about that to them prior to this. I replied that I had not said anything because I knew there was a stigma about it Dale said that it was nothing about me, but it was about the people who abused me. I told him that I was not going to talk with him, or Lee, about this. Dale asked if Dr. Martin knew, and I said that was the reason I had gone to see her in the first place. I said that I had talked with her about some, but not all, of the sexual abuse I had received in my lifetime. Lee said that he had known about this sexual abuse I received from our mother, but not from anyone else. I did not make any response to that because the first time I ever told him about mother, he said that he believed me, but when we talked about it at a later time, he did not believe me. (I need to remember to tell Dale about this the next time I see him.) I am not entirely sure that the relationship Lee and I have developed is a genuine one on his part. Dale told me that he felt that was a legitimate concern, and that he could understand it if I had some reservations about it. I feel that the only way I will ever know for sure is to see what happens between us during the coming months. When something like this happens, I always tell myself that I am prepared for anything, but usually find out that it is not really the case. I hope there are not any unpleasant surprises awaiting me this time.
Replies
I think it is often difficult to build on a relationship with siblings as adults if that relationship has not been nurtured earlier on. I think you are right to give your relationship with your brother a go, that way you will know whether you want to pursue that avenue together or eventually go your separate ways. No relationship is perfect, a middle ground would be good if you can achieve it. This is the only way to find out. Good luck. If you need me I am here to help
Jim I thinking seeing what happens between you and your brother during the summer is a good idea. I hope things go well. It will be interesting for sure. Many hugs-Stephanie
I hope things do go well, and that your brother is being genuine, but if he is not, that is on him, not on you. I didn\'t know about the abuse you endured in the rest home. I wish you the best.
Oh Jim. Your brevity never ceases to inspire me. I wish I could show you how inspiring you are. What a courageous thing to do! I know you felt backed into a corner when you said it but that just makes me think you are even more brave.
I am afraid of what this means for you, too. I do not trust your brother to respond appropriately. It would be awesome if you could respond from a place of compassion because I think he really needs a lot of help and you are so insightful and wise. Only it seems impossible for someone who needs compassion, and deserves compassion, to give it to someone who is so afraid to connect with truth. It\'s like asking the quarterback with two broken legs to play instead of the quarter back with the bruise on his arm. How frustrating and how insensitive.
I hate it when my hopes get raised and then things start to slide downhill.
Remember this: you have just disclosed. That is hard for ANYONE. Your fear is totally normal. Things don\'t usually go well after disclosure with people like your brother. I hope they do for you but I really worry.
I do know that past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior and your brother seems pretty unaware.
Keep connecting with DS while you are feeling all these feelings. You\'ve just opened up a wound again (because you were forced to). You\'ve made huge progress and have been gravitating and finding those you can connect with. We can help you get through this difficult emotional period.
Many hugs. And Mojo. I find disclosure incredibly hard. It can be made even more difficult when people don\'t respond with compassion and empathy. He may be your brother by blood but his spirit seems really from a different family than you.
I am curious how Dale sees the relationship between you and Lee now. He seems to have understood that your concerns are legitimate. I think he may have underestimated your suffering. When do you see him again?
I am seeing Dale on June 8th, although I had hoped for an appointment sooner than that.
Now that my brother has ended (or to use his wording, gone on \"hiatus\") his participation in the family therapy, he keeps emailing me saying, \"You didn\'t answer my question. I said, \"\'I wanted to check back and see how you feel about suspending our \'family therapy.\'\" So how do you feel about it?\"
Believe me, he shouldn\'t ask that question. If he really wanted to know about my feelings, don\'t you think he could have told me how he felt BEFORE asking Dale about stopping for the summer? Not to mention him springing it on me at the conclusion of the counseling session, rather than during it. I AM REALLY PISSED!
Ok, I have a lot of thoughts here....
NEVER FORGET, MY FIRST LOYALTY IS TO YOU, JIM.
That being said. You seem to forget that your brother has no clue about putting things in the right order.
So why would you EXPECT him to behave otherwise?
He needs enlightenment and then PRACTICE with said enlightenment too, Jim.
So with ANYTHING he does, consider the source.
Always remember, Dale will keep your \'safe place\' safe for YOU. There may be schoolyard scuffles.
I would bet that your brother feels HE has no safe place, and that he was AFRAID to bring up the session hiatus with you alone.
Yep. I bet underneath, YOU SCARE HIM. You\'re not doing it on purpose, you\'re not even aware, but think if the situation were reversed, and you were attending HIS sessions?
He has fears too Jim, probably fears of finding out more things about you, and the guilt an sorrow that may come with it all. He has his own demons.
You have to stay aware of that, at least on the level of him being a human being. But nothing about him or anyone else should stop you from disclosing. Your own feelings of confidence are the only criteria there.
And, since you yourself expressed being bored and feeling like the sessions weren\'t helping your depression, I\'m actually kind of surprised that you are thinking this way, and I say that softly, as a friend. I would have thought you might be kind of happy on the inside, but kept that to yourself.
And did it ever occur to you that your feeling of boredom might be noticed by your brother and no one else picked up on it? You do share blood lines. Maybe he thought he was doing a good thing, giving you discreet space to take the break you have mentioned thinking you might need.
I\'m just stating some possibilities here... And ready to eat crow if need be.
I want you to let out your lifetime of anger, Jim. I almost stood up an applauded your telling them about the nursing home.
*BRAVO*
What would you do if you suddenly found out something like that about someone, and had not been through it yourself.
I\'m NOT excusing your brother\'s behavior. I\'m suggesting the possible place that it comes from.
So I guess I\'m saying, is this something you should really be \'pissed\' about? Or does it only require puzzlement?
\"If he really wanted to know about my feelings, don\'t you think he could have told me how he felt BEFORE asking Dale about stopping for the summer?\"
No.
I don\'t think he has THE ABILITY. His abilities are drink-saturated and still drying out.
I am ready to be accused of being the devil\'s advocate here.
However it turns out, I still think you\'re awesome. You let out another detail of your life, and it can start to run away now and bother somebody else.
If you have the phenom happen that Sam talked about, you know we\'re here for you.
Hugs and Much Mojo...
Weebs
I wish you could see Dale earlier too. That is a long wait. I have that problem with my therapist. It\'s usually two weeks, minimum, until I can get in to see her.
Your brother really is something else. I would reply with \"Sorry, I haven\'t had too much time to think about it. I\'ve been licking my wounds from disclosing sexual abuse to the person who was responsible for putting me at risk. I find it incredibly hard to communicate with you when you seem so unaware of what it\'s like to live as a person who relies on others to meet physical needs. I have been sexually abused most of my life and witnessed some awful things that no human should have to. Excuse me for not replying right away. \"
Good response Sam!
A sincere \"Thank you\" to everyone commenting here. You have given me several things to consider. I am always amazed at the amount of constructive support I receive here. You sure know how to make an older guy feel wanted and cared about!
*hugs*
Good God, you have received a bunch of excellent supportive suggestions.
Here is another saying that comes from 12 step programs ;
Do not expect healthy behavior from an unhealthy person.
Your brother is out of touch with himself and with life as it really is.
He lives in this little world that he created that re-enforces his sense of importance and superiority....Denial lives there with him. Drinking...Alcoholism does that for him. It suits his current needs.
The thing is that you are leaps and bounds ahead of your brother and sometimes more aware than your counselor, BUT, you have been convinced otherwise. You have been told by your family and your past that your deductions are inaccurate and flawed.
You got it going on, Jim.
Take a step further and own some of that honest tough stuff that makes you so much more ahead in your recovery, in your involvement as a person....than your think you are.
Buddy boy, you have many undiscovered personal treasures.
I can see where you would be pissed.
It is irritating when someone repeatedly uses behaviors that are frustrating, even after you have drawn attention to such behavior and had hoped for some resolution.
Weebs is right. This is the way he does things. Don\'t be upset. Puzzlement is a more detached way of looking at it. She is right on. Besides reacting to his reactions just keeps the ball going back and forth...just like it always has been. Take a step aside and just give it the \" huuuuuummmmmmmm ? interesting choice of behaviors, yet again....huuuuuummm ? oh well, that is just Lee being Lee right now....\" that it deserves.
This gives you freedom and separation from being a part of an outdated, yet still dysfunctional family situation.
That doesn\'t mean that you can\'t call him on it again.
It doesn\'t mean that you can not discuss further interaction on this issue with Dale.
It just means that when he \" reacts \" in his own best interests...you choose for yourself...you \" act \" instead of reacting to his behavior.
The nursing home situation was hard to read.
There are so many feelings connected to that time in your life that must still haunt you. Very sad. It is mind boggling to try and understand how people could actually do something like that in a place that is geared towards the ultimate in self care.
I did not know about your mother. I...I am just sighing now. I am very sorry to hear about this abuse you endured.
I also have wondered how genuine your brother is being in this \" new \" and improved relationship with you. Time will tell.
As long as you do not let your fear and anger filter your judgment, as long as your keep your interpretations balanced, you are almost always right on target in your interpretations of what actually in going on in all your interactions with people in your life.
Enjoy you summer, Jim. It is waiting just for you.
Ps. If your find any of this unsavory or incorrect, know that I am about as bright as a 14 watt light bulb today.
Peace.