An end product, not an agreement

There is this overwhelming need to tell you what my counselors told me I could not expect from you. I couldn't expect an end product, a way of being. I could only expect that steps to get to the end product were there, in place, and being followed. It helped shape everything I wrote. Here's what I fear. Everything here is an end product. If you want this all tomorrow, we might as well go our separate ways now. 
You cannot expect me to agree to think, feel, project a fake life just for your benefit and deny myself for the rest of my life. You need a puppet for that. I'm not a puppet. We need concrete actions that can be done in a short amount of time, not this. This is going to require a lot of back and forth, and a lot of 'seeing' on your side, and a lot of humility. 
 
 
Mike can have an equal side while still acknowledging that what I went through because of his actions and decisions was more personally disruptive and devastating to my life in ways my actions were not to him. In fact, it's important to me for him to recognize this because it's  needed to really appreciate what I have sacrificed and done for him. 
Perspective is a vague word. I can have perspective, but only if I know that you aren't expecting me to always accept yours. I can acknowledge you have it, but I cannot do anything more than say you have a difference of opinion and I don't always agree. I cannot just think and accept what you think about a lot of things. A truce I can do. 
I can do 'not a monster' and 'not a psychopath'. However, I need acknowledgement from you that you have been a compulsive liar/deceiver and that even until these last few months the patterns persist. I can accept that you are working to not be that, and even at this point have graduated from it even if you still struggle. If you don't acknowledge it, it can't change, and I will continue to be hurt. I also need the acknowledgement that you have used a number of abusive behaviors against me for a long time. I am not saying that it makes you a hopeless abuser, but that because you engaged in the behaviors for whatever reason you had, it had a similar effect on me as if you were. 
You have a story, excuses, but that doesn't preclude you from accepting responsibility and being truly sorry for what you did. I can't get behind you unless I know you care about how I was affected by you. I can get behind the Mike I know, I can get behind the man that I love, but there has to be amends for what was. Once that happens, then I can really start to see and hear and empathize again. My empathy was a tool used against me, it's only fair that I see real remorse and amends for that before I feel truly safe and able to use it freely without reserve. 
I don't want you to be a mistake, something I shouldn't have sacrificed for. I'm asking you to change that. If you are being the person worthy of all that, then you won't be that mistake. When you aren't in limbo, you put us first, create what we always hoped for, then it's not a mistake. This is going to require a lot of listening and understanding towards me in listening how these types of feelings exist and how they can be dealt with and eventually go away.
The end product concept really comes in here about not being a constant reminder of pain. That only happens when we work through the pain and build. It only happens when we work to heal each other. It only happens when we can consciously build good experience to start to overwhelm the bad ones. Only then can we get better and feel good about choosing to remember the good. 
I can do the 'not a punching bag', it's something I expect also from you. 
I can't always agree with you, and one of the most beautiful things about us was that we challenged each other. Part of me includes devil's advocacy, you used to love that. It doesn't mean that I cannot respect beliefs and opinions, or value them. But it feels like you are just tell me to follow everything you say and I have to be saying that everything you do and say is cool. I'm not a puppet like that. I need to have my own opinion and space, something I've been denied a huge part of my life. Also, there needs to be a clearing off some confusion that if I bring someone else's point up that somehow it's a challenge. It makes me feel like that part of you that makes everything about you is reacting and we need to tease that out of your perception, versus what I was actually doing and thinking.  It might be that I agree and I was saying where it came from, or that I thought it merited thought or was interesting. 
End product concept is here as well. I can't be ok overnight. It would be like saying everything I've ever gone through and said about myself was just a hoax and that opps, sorry, kidding, it's really not that way. I do want to work to be ok, to conquer my past, my pain, and be healthy, happy, and complete. But it's an end product, not a switch, I need you to know and realize that and to have the patience and love to not abandon me in the process. 
 The alone thing is the same as the above, it's all the same concept. Same with soft/gentle/caring. I can at this point strive to do it more and to try to modify the communication style, but again, it's a stepping thing, not a switch. 
I can give you space most of the time. I don't want it to become a power tactic that you just abandon and use it as an excuse to get away from us, to have affairs, to engage in other destructive behaviors. 
I've proven that I can give you space and time with the boys and her. There are some things that I'm going to need that are going to encroach on this, and I need your understanding and willingness to meet me on that. We absolutely have to come first. After that our family, with Lydia and the boys, after that everything else. We need that priority, or otherwise, everything that I've said I needed will be lost. 
I get everything about the loss and wanting to do what is right. With the priorities like I said, I need to see that you are doing what is right for us, and our family, not right by her. Otherwise, it's just allowing fear and guilt to rule your life, and I can't let your guilt rule my life. 
I do need you to recognize the very heavy price I've paid by being with you. It has nothing to do with my divorce even. My price is the act of choosing you, and the consequences that happened not related to getting a divorce. Are you willing to see those? look at those? I need you to separate leaving her and that loss, and being with me. I cannot be blamed for it, or be made to feel less, or guilty, or responsible for it. Your divorce has to be your choice, that you needed, wanted to leave, and that I was not responsible. What I can do is recognize when my presence makes her fight harder against you, or that because you choose to be with me (and not leave for me) she makes choices that you are not responsible for, and should not feel guilty for. Those choices make life harder on you. I can recognize that. 
People behind your back, I don't even know what to say at this point. I was sorry took full responsibility, and groveled for such a long time, years, doing everything you asked me to do and more. What more can I really do? At some point I have to forgive myself and stand up for myself. At some point I need to have a boundary. I can be sorry for the revenge drunk one night stand when we weren't even sure we were together. I can do that. I don't know what to tell you about 'the rest'. Maybe at this point it's better for you to ask the questions an I will answer honestly because I don't know what more I can do. The doors are shut once and for all, and they have been. I need to know that your doors are also shut.. on her, and her influence, and her voice in your head, and her manipulation, and so much more.  
This is also an end product. It's a process to work through the contempt, and it requires your understanding and forgiveness as much as it does mine. What caused it has to be acknowledged and regret, remorse, and then amends have to happen before it will begin to stop haunting me and set me free to move forward.