An All New Low

Just as I think it can't get any worse, that I can't get any worse.  It does, and I do.  I think my optimism about 2013 being a better year, just gave me false hope that I was making some sort of progress.  I am in a situation where I cannot dare to find someone local to help keep me accountable...I would lose everything...and I mean everything... family, friends, anyone I hold dear... and the business our family owns.  I have put reaching out for further help off, thinking I could have some self control, and could fix myself... but I am seeing now that I need counciling, and am looking into an online source for that...specific to compulsive gambling.  We are further and further and debt...and it is all my fault.  The guilt of what I have done, and what I cannot win back is so intense, and only stressed me out to the level of wanting to go play more...damn well knowing it won't help anything at all.  There have been too many lies, to others, and to myself.  Time to make it stop...again and again I think and say this.  Time to make it happen.