An Agenda Session As Always

I always come in with an agenda – lots to talk about and/or do.  I commented how I never come in with nothing to say.  She said that’s good I have an agenda.  So I told her briefly the things I wanted to talk about, made a phone call to my friend who called yesterday that I wasn’t home.  I didn’t leave a message (thought about doing so earlier but decided not to) and she didn’t answer.  Then into my things I wanted to talk about today.  One of the things I said was I want to work on goals and she asked if I wanted to begin with that.  No.    I talked about the shower this weekend and how my friend was fine and even called me later about her problems.  I tried to be my friendly self but not to everyone – you can’t like everyone or they weren’t near me.  One of my friends called and asked to go together.  I don’t like to because I like to be able to leave early if I have to or need to but I did because it was only 10 minutes away.  A husband said I’m the planner when someone else asked (about our trip) and this person who was asking said how she likes trips when they do a lot and not just sit by the water.  One of my friends said, “She won’t let us!”  We laughed.  She also said I’m hyper.    I explained to her about my encephalitis when she talked about it relating to shingles when normally I wouldn’t have.  In the past I would have kept it all to myself and now sometimes I feel like I have to defend my problem.  I said how I don’t know if it’s related or not and I don’t know if there’s a test for that.  Maybe something I should explore on the internet but haven’t.  My friend commented maybe I don’t want to know.  Yeah.  It’s an inflammation of the brain, or spine, but my brain’s OK.  I told my therapist I’m not the smartest person in the world but I’m not dumb either.  I graduated from college and was in the Honor Society.  She didn’t comment on that.  She only asked if this was the first time I let them know.  Pretty much – maybe touched on it a little before.  She thought maybe they’d understand better now.  That those medicines aren’t a quick fix and I have tried them.  This may be a neurological thing.  The commercials make them seem so easy.  She said about the inner thing a urologist said at the seminar I went to.   Don’t know.   She knows I hate going to doctors.  I think she wants me to explore that.  Then I talked about my kids and when they come over all they do is into their IPods and computers.  Then it’s all up to me to be with and chase after the little kids.  It’s about all being together.  And how I’m the one who has to control everything.  I get so tired of it.  I like to be in control but sometimes I want others to do things, too.  She said they are used to it and that’s why they do it.  Try to let them sometimes but know it may not be exactly how I want it.  And tell them no electronics/media at my house.  Yeah right!  I told her it’s bugging me because it’s such a let down from the trip.  We worked so hard and did so much before the trip.  And it all worked.  The repetition helped and all the exposures and talking.  It helped to keep me from brain freezing most of the time.  I need to continue but not for a long time.  So now that the trip is over I want my problem to be over and it’s not.  It’s still there – every day.  She empathized.   I told her I don’t know if it has anything to do with it or not, and there’s nothing she can do but maybe suggest something, but since I’ve been home I’ve been wetting my bed every night again.  I hate when that happens and I want to stop.  I don’t know if it’s a physical thing or emotional.  She said it could be both.  I may have a mild infection going from not drinking very much on the trip.  She asked me if I wore a lot of pads.  No.  In thinking now and I didn’t say but I was thinking she meant those thick heavy pads in which I didn’t.  I always wear those little mini pads – she knows that.  She said to try drinking more water and increasing my wait time.  And know the emotional stuff, too.  I said I just have to know that it will be there, we will continue to talk about it here and there, and just accept it for what it is.    I told her about how I would have in the past hidden my extra clothes in my purse.  But they all knew because I needed them sometimes.  I told her the story when I sat down on “The Duck” tour and the seat was hot.  The driver said he could give me his coat to sit on but my friend said about my extra shorts in my purse.  Perfect!  That’s an example of freezing – I would have never thought of that.  She said next time maybe I’ll remember.  She asked me how that felt.  I said it was really nice because I’m used to dealing with this all alone, and hiding everything,  and this time someone was there for me.  It was nice.  Like when I have an accident and she’s there for me to get my clothes.    When I had to go to the bathroom I was talking to my son on the phone.  She didn’t know but when I hung up I told her and just went.  She didn’t say anything.  I’m not sure if she likes me to wait or not.  I know I need to be doing that again because I see what’s happening when I don’t practice that on a regular basis.  I have to get better at it.  It gives me more incentive to wait as long as I can with her because I don’t have much incentive to do it at home by myself unless I’m really on a roll about it.  And lately, since the trip, I’ve been pretty much at a stand still.  Maybe when I go back Friday I’ll make it a goal to start to wait longer.  Maybe even at home, too!  I think what it is that I’ve had so many accidents lately.  I’m so tired of them!  I’m afraid if I wait too long I’ll have another accident.  I need a break from them!  But, then again, I need to get back on track because of what’s happening now.  We talked about the Breast Cancer Race that I’m letting my problem get in the way in not going.  She said because of the bathroom situation I saw last year, it’s OK to decide that.  It’s OK to skip a year.  The lines were so long I had to find a place where no one was to go between the cars and my friend did it, too.  Then I should never go?  She said to take it year by year.  I said I feel like I’m letting my best friend, who died of breast cancer, down by not going.  She said to honor her in other ways.  It’s just I feel like it may be wrong what I did last year but I had to – I had no choice.  She asked me if I felt it was wrong.  No – I don’t but others might.  Some may but some may not.  She told me I have to go with what I feel is right for me.  I do feel like I’m missing out (I think she understands) and if I called my friends tonight to go – they’d go.  But I’m afraid.    I’m afraid because of what happened on the trip when I had to go to the bathroom or change by the car.  2 of them said negative things about it.  She said one has OCD so bad anything out of the ritual is bad for her anyway.  And I said the other one I’m not sure if it was a payback for her long standing sister relationship.  She agreed.  And she said I’m thinner, I’m younger looking and I seem to have it all together in my life with no problems and that that’s the only thing she could use.  It’s to put me down to raise herself up for feeling badly about herself for things.    I said they probably think everything is fine in my life – I’ve got it all together.  I’m married with 3 kids and 2 grandkids.  Besides what she said above I said I seem to have a very happy marriage (I think they all do, too), I work from home, have no real problems.  I come across as a very happy person so they don’t know any better than that.   Yeah.  I tried to tell my friend about stress (she says shingles can be caused by that) that it’s OK to cry.  My therapist told me there is a difference of complaining about your problems and doing something about it.  I’m not sure what she was trying to relate that to.    I told her I want to work on goals – like last time and we didn’t get to it – but we were out of time again this time, too.  She said we can start with that first next time.  She asked, “Goals for the year?”  I said we worked so much on these trips and we need to move on to other things.  She has a family history thing we started long ago, a hording article and the booklet (she only read a little) from the seminar I went to.  Then I have the “throwing up” videos on my IPod I want to get back to.  Didn’t get into anything else.   She said we should start with the family history because that may be a basis for many things and she doesn’t feel comfortable hanging on to it so long.  She said with working on what we’ve been working on has to do with many of the other things, too.  I also said how when we work on the other things it will have to do with my problem as well.  It’s all part of being me.  Yes.   Sometimes I feel bad when leaving.  I was OK this time.  I thought I might because I don’t go back until Friday this week.  Usually it’s Thursday.  But what’s 1 day?  Who knows!  I told her I hope whatever she’s doing Thursday (she won’t be in all day) I hope it’s fun and not health related.  She said she’s having out-of-town guests and it’s not health related.  Good!  And I will see her just a tiny, tiny bit when I babysit my grandson when my daughter and her boyfriend go to her Wednesday evening.  He got the time mixed up again and this time she said it was OK I told him because I had already talked to them about it.  Last time she wanted to call him herself.  Saves her a phone call when I do it.