Amish Country And More

As soon as I walked in she commented how that man and I have appointments on the same days, how interesting that is.  He comes on Mondays too and we didn’t know.  She thought we were the same.  I don’t know.  He just got back from Pittsburgh and his brother is not doing well at all.  My therapist and I had lots to talk about today.  Happens a lot after a long weekend.  I told her I wanted to call my Aunt, I’m so scared to, but we may not have enough time.  First I wanted to start talking about what happened day by day.  I started with Thursday and ended with today so far but I pretty much skipped Saturday (Amish Country) to the end because it’s so long.    Last Thursday when I left her I went to the massage therapist and I was there for an hour after looking at her couple Chicago (Sears Tower) and then her out west trip pictures on her laptop.  I know it was for over an hour because I heard the door opening – them getting more clients.  I was scared that I would have to go to the bathroom and then bring it on quicker by worrying about it.  So I tried to stay focused on the pictures and by thinking that I was just with her and went to the bathroom two times.  I haven’t drinken anything in hours so I’m not going to need to go.  It worked.  I didn’t need to.  She was so happy for me and so was I.  She asked me if I went after.  Yes.  She asked me if I needed to would I have said something.  Maybe not – I’d be afraid.  She looked surprised.  “No?  Why not?”  Because I don’t normally do it with her.  Once in a while before we start but not like her or my friends knowing.  She said something to the effect that it would be OK to tell her I’m going to the bathroom and I’ll be right back.  I told her, “I know,” but still that would be hard for me.  Then Friday.  I told her Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday it’s really hard for me to do more drinking and waiting as long as I can.  It’s too hard on the weekends when so much is going on.  She agreed that it’s better when I’m at home.  So I haven’t been.  But Friday afternoon my cousin called to come over before dinner and then go out to a Chinese restaurant for dinner with them after.  It was so special being with them for who he is.  The restaurant we went to my food was not hot at all.  Once my husband got sick after eating there.  So I was scared all night and the next day.  But, knock on wood, I was OK.   Sunday we celebrated my daughter’s birthday which was really on Monday.  The “girls” went out to the Mall and the “boys” stayed home.  She said that was great for my granddaughter feeling girly and like she’s like the rest of us.  I told her it was so very nice seeing her walk around my house on her “robot” leg instead of the walker or crawling or hopping.  That was the best!  And she even danced and we told her to “shake your booty”.  Almost like a normal, regular kid.  So nice!  She said if I don’t do anything at all the impact I have on my grandkids is so very wonderful.  She even asked me if I know that.  Yes – I love my grandkids and my kid so much and they are the most important things to me.  She knows.    So my grandson seemed OK at first.  He rode his bike outside and came in and did Marble Works.  Then we left.  By late afternoon he had a headache.  I told him he didn’t have to eat dinner – just sit with us.  He did but he felt awful and laid on the couch most of the rest of the time – just miserable.  His temperature was 100 degrees.  I gave him a wet washcloth.  We found some Tylenol my daughter gave him.  We wanted to take him with us yesterday but couldn’t and it seemed strange not picking up a kid at babysitting.  His tummy hurt so bad yesterday and last night.  He hasn’t thrown up (knock on wood) but he can’t stand up it hurts so bad.   My daughter put in a call (they took 3 hours to call back) last night and then took him to the doctor this morning.  No H1N1, no strep and they took blood for appendicitis but won’t have them back until Thursday.  So, of course, I’m so scared.  I’m scared for him and for me – all of us.  I don’t want any of us ever to get it (really anything).  Thank goodness he hasn’t thrown up.  They are suppose to come there tomorrow so I don’t know, or if I’ll come to watch him.  She said they shouldn’t come with him for him to be out in the waiting area contagious.  Later she said about him coming to my house.  I said I come because I never know if she’s going to see him.  She said she won’t see him sick.  I said in general.  I didn’t say but not at my house either when he’s sick.  She asked me about yesterday.  I said it was hard for me.  I could hardly read the sections because I wanted to cry.  I also wanted to cry about his talk about silence and how it hit home so much because that’s my life.  My husband was sleeping and I kind of nudged him to listen.  You should say 4 things:  1)Thank you  2)I love you  3)How are you  4)What can I do for you or how can I help you.  That’s so nice because people take each other for granted.  I felt so guilty I didn’t go the night before that I watched songs on You Tube.  I gave up gum the night before (wanted it real bad) kind of like Catholics for lent time.  I also said I did healing for her and said it wouldn’t hurt – both times.  She thanked me.  One going up and saying her name and the other in my place in my mind.  But God heard it so that’s the most important thing.    We talked a little about my husband being so practical – she calls it.  He’s just not there in talking.  He’s very surfacy and not deep down into feelings.  Yes, he may talk a lot and go off on tangents but not deep down, important things.  She said not like a friend.  No.  She said there’s a story in their family about her parents.  I think she said after they got married and before they had kids.  Her Dad was a quiet person and her Mom talked a lot.  Once she was so mad at him at dinner for not talking she poured a whole gallon of milk over his head.  I told her my friend won’t ever let me down on that one.  A long time ago, the kids were really little and it was in our old, old box house.  I got mad at my husband and poured a cup (not a lot like a gallon of milk) of kool aid on him.  I hope she thinks that’s not a bad thing what I did.  I feel so bad I did that but didn’t say.  She said she drove by yesterday about 1:15 PM.  Lots of cars.  She didn’t realize I was in the middle.  She said I don’t seem to be.  I told her why.  And how I like the traditions of it and I’ve been all my life.  My husband kind of mixed up and to extremes but after being with me stuck with me.  She also said about a monthly meeting she goes to – maybe that’s the Mondays we have to reschedule.  But she said about a Cancer speaker lecture she went to.  I don’t know if it’s the same.  A man got up and told everyone he has Neurogenic Bladder.  She asked me if I have that.  I don’t know.  Something to look up and do research on.  He said he has to go every hour and a half though the night.  The doctor said that’s OK – that’s what he needs to do.  But she doesn’t know how he wakes himself up – by himself or an alarm.  She said she won’t see him again to ask.  It was a 2 hour thing and she doesn’t know if he got up to go.  She commented again how he told everyone.  I would never do that!  I said how my husband and I went out to lunch and I feel guilty but I have it in my heart.  Everyone does things how they can for themselves.  She said how maybe I don’t do that but do other good things that are better, that others don’t do but do the other.  Yes.  In other words, what I think she meant, is that I’m a good person for me and what I do.  Other people may do things correctly in that way but are not so nice the other ways.   OK … now Amish Country.  She said she’s anxious to hear about it.  First of all, after I left her that message, I went outside and my husband said he was going to pull the car out.  OK and I went back inside.  Soon he’s calling me and I went back outside.  We had a flat tire.  One flat, one almost flat.  So we had to take another one of our cars.  Our friends came over and we went to our other friends house in our car and I thought they’d come with us on the trip so we wouldn’t get the annoying ones but another friend said no – they are coming with them.  She laughed.  But we had them (the first couple – not the annoying one) on the way home because I spoke up.    I told her again, I must have gone to the bathroom 12 times during the day.  I went before I left our house, before we left their house, we stopped once before lunch, then lunch (I went 2 times – one when we got there and one when we left) and then we stopped after lunch and then there.  I told her she was right.  Once before, lunch, then once after.  That’s what she had said.  She said that’s great that I sounds like I made it there without any problems.  Yes – there.  But …. and then I went on.  I told her I asked the other driver before we left if I should call him when we need to stop.  Yes.  I said it may be a couple times to prepare him.  She said that was good I said that.  He was kind of grumpy when I did call but oh well.  But when I said that my annoying friend said I have to do what I have to do.  She asked me how that felt.  Good.    So I worried a lot at first.  I worried I’d have to go to the bathroom and we ended up stopping only about 45 minutes out.  I didn’t have to go but I said to stop.  Before that I tried to get into the conversations not to think about it.  When we got to the store at our destination we looked around and then got the CD to leave.  Furniture, beautiful Amish quilts and clothing but nothing I’d wear.  Like all polyester – maybe for the Mennonite (they may dress plainly) but nothing I’d wear.  No Juniors for sure!  It was my annoying friend’s idea to all pile in the other driver’s mini van which sat 7 but we were 8 people.  I, too thought it would be more fun all going together to listen to the CD and tour the countryside.  My husband sat up front with the driver, 3 in the way back and myself and a friend had a seat in the middle with the annoying friend between us like in a hole.  I said I’m not that big – I could share part of my seat with him so he did.  We had trouble with the CD with it being in it’s place and he’s so serious.  Plus he has his GPS toy that was very annoying.  If I had it he would have told me to turn it off.    So we went out in the farm area.  The weather was a little rainy, the clouds were ominous looking like tornadoes and it was cold and windy.  I always have to go to the bathroom faster when I’m cold.  I asked her if she’s ever been to Amish or Mennonite Country.  She has in Ohio.  I told her here it was flat, just roads and not a lot of trees.  So we toured around and stopped in a few places.  A place with fabrics and a bulk foods grocery store named Beachy’s.  At one point I did need to go to the bathroom when we were back in the car and I asked if we were going to stop at this one place they talked about on the CD.  But they thought we passed it up.  Then I said that I needed to stop because I had to go to the bathroom.  One of my friends (on the seat next to me on the other side of the annoying one) said no wonder I asked if we were going to stop.  There was nothing out there and I was really starting to need to go.  I told her she knows how I get.  I try not to move around but I know I do.  So I was sitting next to my annoying friend and he glanced at me.  I said, “I really need to go.”  I don’t know if the driver looked in his rear view mirror and saw that or if he knows from his wife telling him of my accidents on our girl trip.  I was just starting to get that panicky feeling and just then he pulled over and opened the door for me to get out and go.   I told her it was like that commercial with the lady fiddling with her keys and a porta potty dropping down and her saying ‘like that’s going to happen’.  But it did.  I was just starting to get that panicky feeling and not knowing what I was going to do.  It was on cloth seats and I knew I couldn’t wait much longer at all.  This time the panicky did cause me not to be able to wait as long.    So I got out and they’re telling me what to do, where to go.  The driver said by the bushes but I couldn’t go that far.  So I got out, pulled down my pants, squat down and started going.  I just told them to close the door.  What happens is the door opens again after they closed it.  Close it!  I asked my husband what happened and he said our annoying friend did that.  But I don’t think they saw anything.  I must have started going before that, although I didn’t feel it, because my pants were a little wet.  I got done and knocked on the door to come back in and did.    She asked me if anyone said anything.  No but just before I heard my friend behind me say, “Here we go.”  She asked me how that made me feel and what I thought that meant.  Like here we go again like what happened on our girl trip.  It didn’t make me feel very good.  For about 5 minutes I got into that quiet, shame mode and thinking, “What did I just do?”  I didn’t want to have to do that but she said that’s what I needed to under the circumstances.  I tried to just get out of it by getting into the conversations and such.  She said that’s really good.  5 minutes isn’t bad at all.  It used to be an hour, a day, a week (we laughed).    So we went back, returned the CD and set off for the Amish lady’s house.  We got there at the same time as a 20 people church group.  First she wanted to do the farm tour.  I really wanted to go to the bathroom when we got there so I did that worry thing again.  As soon as the farm tour was done and we got inside I asked where the restroom was and went.  And, before we left I went and another lady was there before me but looked in another room.  She went first because she said she has a hernia that’s resting on her bladder.  That was fine.  She asked me how that was for me.  I told her I knew where she was coming from so I just let her go.  Now … if I had to go I would have had to ‘fight’ her for it.  She nodded.  Going home we had the friends with us that came to our house in the first place.  No need to stop at the other friend’s house again.  We could have taken the annoying friend’s friend home with us because it was on the way but he insisted not.  We stopped a couple times and then getting closer got then getting closer we got lost.  We were laughing.  We tried to turn around but there was no 4th cloverleaf.  So we had to go way out of our way and then turn around again.  The man friend told my husband I was right.  I do have a good sense of direction and can read maps and such.  I told them that we were lost so long I needed to go to the bathroom again.  We got off the highway by a refinery with fire (she’d not been) and then down the road.  I said I couldn’t wait much longer.  We found a little gas station and a grocery store.  But my friend agreed with me it may be too far into the store to go and not knowing where the bathroom is.  So I saw a door to the little gas station.  They said I might need to get a key.  I agreed.   So I get out and open the door, ask the man for a key to the restroom.  He must have looked at me knowing and asked me if I had to go badly.  Yes!  He told me that’ll cost me an extra five dollars.  I didn’t pay any attention to him and took the key and went.  I didn’t make it all the way.  But I thought I’d try to get away with it.  It was dark.  I came out happy and they asked me if I felt better.  Yes.  But I was miserable all the way home.  She had empathy for me and said also that it was a constant reminder.  Yes and how we know it spreads and gets larger when you sit.  She said about having extra clothes, the same color pants, in a bag with me to change and they wouldn’t know.  They would see it walking in – I had them in a bag.  She meant in my purse.  Yeah.  I did say how my one guy friend kept watching out for me to stop at rest stops and his wife said something about it.  But that was really nice of him.  And after lunch he said we’d probably be stopping in half an hour.  Yes, but longer than that so show I can wait longer.  That was nice too.    So she asked me if it was all worth it.  Yes.  I haven’t not gone to anything because of it.  I just work through it but boy do I worry.  She said how I managed to work things out and not inconvenience anyone and not call too much attention to it.  She said my other friend is more inconveniencing by being so annoying.  Yes.  She said and I’m not a complainer.  No.  And I'm fast.  Yes, they all said that, too.  I said how I almost had an accident and then did but no one knew so that was good.  Everyone just acted like they know this is me and that was good, too.  And as far as attending them I did fine.  I tried to sit on the end and did except one time and I was next to the end – next to a man.  I was able to time it and go at the opportunities that there were.    At the end she said she noticed I said, “I’m scared” a lot.  Yes.  She asked wouldn’t it be nice if I wasn’t scared anymore.  Oh, yes!  She said I’m such a resourceful, capable and confident person wouldn’t it be nice to focus my energies on not being so scared.  She asked me if that would be a good goal for myself.  Yes, it sure would be good.    I told her I needed a break from bathroom stuff and know I need to start on it again with the California trip.  She said I deserve the break.  I didn’t want to do anything today.  Earlier she said I can carry over what I learn from my experiences to use it for California.  Yes.  So I completely changed the subject.  But I did say earlier how the two times on the Amish trip I did escalate it having to go quicker.  She said how I did such a great job in planning it and carrying it through.  My friend said I did good, too but I said it was a hard one with all the canceling and such.    I started talking about the dying after age 25 thing.  How I was talking to my son telling him he’s going to turn 25 and caught myself sounding like my Dad’s words and not going on to say that.  She said that was good.  Then I needed to go to the bathroom.  I told her and she watched the clock.  I talked for a while – maybe 5 minutes.  Then it got harder but I tried to continue.  I continued about how I told my kids that at the birthday on Sunday.  Their mouths flew open.  And the people close to me dying at the ‘1’ years.  She said about my Aunt who may.  I know.  She’ll be 95 this coming November.  My middle son asked about after my oldest turned 25 it didn’t happen.  I said it’s the youngest.  I’m scared but I didn’t want to scare them either.  My husband says it’s all co-incidence.  I’m worried if it will be me or my husband.  She asked me if I was going to kill him.  No – I wouldn’t do that!  She was teasing.  I told my kids I was testing this out because my cousins are still alive and their daughter turned 25 last October.  She said it may have stopped.  I hope so.  I asked how long it was at about the five minute mark when it was getting harder.  At about 7 minutes I was needing to go pretty badly.  She asked me if I wanted to go but I told her I wanted to wait one more minute.  I tried to keep talking about the same thing we were but couldn’t.  I couldn’t concentrate.  So she said something but I have no idea what it was.  It had to do with what my Dad said – I think.  Then we heard a voice out in the hallway.  I asked her if she’ll know if they go into the bathroom – if she’s hears the door close.  She said it may be the bathroom door or the other therapist’s door.  She could tell I was worried about someone going in there and said the other therapist may go in.  “You better go,” she told me and I did.   I came back and she told me it’s the longest I’ve gone into the session needing to go to the bathroom.  I said maybe one day I won’t have to go at all.  She remembered that when I first started coming, the last 5 to 10 minutes I’d zone out and get spacey because I didn’t want to tell her what was happening.  She wondered, “Does this woman have multiple personalities?  What’s going on with her?”   But that was before I told her about my problem.  She asked me, “Aren’t you glad you told me?”  “Yes.”  We laughed about the multiple personalities part.  I finished the story and we wrapped up for the day.  She asked me if she wants to bill insurance for today since we only have 3 in the month of September.  I said no, I’ll save it that maybe there may be a time I need an extra one – if she doesn’t get tired of me – before the end of the year.  And there will be another extra one when we’re in California.  Kind of like accumulating sick days.  I asked her if we need to renew yet.  She counted 17 we’ve used and said she doesn’t need to renew until that week.  All she needs to do is make a phone call to renew.  I told her I was there yesterday later afternoon for my massage and no one was around.  It was weird.  She said she came late.  I got up and left and she told me, “See you soon.”  No massage therapist today because I went yesterday so I just walked out.  A Mom and her teenage daughter were in the waiting area.