Am I Crazy...

i posted briefly about this in the Depression Support Group and got a warm responseso here goes... i have ALWAYS wanted to be Dr...and MD...for as long as i can remember, i wanted to be a dr, i was going to be a dr...it was the only thing i wanted in life....in elementary school, in middle school, in high school....i was going to be a dr...and not just any dr...i wanted to be a cardio vascular surgeon....Dr. DeBakey and Dr. Cooley were my heros...i actually had the opportunity to see Dr. DeBakey making rounds with his students one time...in his scrubs, with his and his students white Dr coats flying behind them...and i said to myself..."that'll be me one day.... my mom was a nurse...and while she didn't work directly with them, she did have a few of their patients....and one of my uncle's had open heart surgery by Dr. DeBakey... my dad....well i don't have too many memories of him, since he died when i was 7 y/o...but i do have 2 specific memories that stand out in my mind about him...one good and one bad...and both happened at about the same age for me, about 4....the good one, i had gotten a toy Dr set...a black dr's bag with a stethoscope, a blood pressure machine, a thermometer, and a syringe...it was my favorite toy....and when my dad was home...he would call me to make a house call cause he wasn't "feeling well"....i'd check him out, give him a shot, and tell him to call me in the morning....he'd call me a few minutes later and tell me that he was feeling much better thanks to me!  i was a great dr!....the bad memory...well suffice it to say that the same man that called me a great dr....rejected me and walked away from me when i just wanted to say hi to my daddy....my mom says he was 'sick' but i don't know...that rejection clouded the one good memory for a very long time....anyway.... so you see, since i was 4, i've wanted to be a dr...i had asthma as a child so i spent a lot of time in the hospital and at dr's office....and i wasn't scared of any of it...i admired it...i wondered at it...i wanted so bad to be a dr...that was my dream....in high school, i had one teacher...a favorite teacher...tell me that i would never make it...i set out to prove her wrong...i joined the army to pay for school....i started college as a Pre-Med Student....but as i grew up/got older....i let "life" get in the way....i fell in love....got married...had a baby (my wonderful son)...got seperated....and finally got divorced....and i think when i got divorced that's when i LOST the desire to be a dr....i had failed at my marriage, i would never make it as a dr...it took almost 10 years for me to get over my ex husband....it took 5 of those ten years for me to even get a degree(a BBA in Computer Information Systems)...NOW...i've had that degree for eight years, and haven't done a damn thing with it...i love computers, i love the work that i am educated/trained to do...but in reality, i've only worked in IT for one year!... i worked at a company in a job i HATED for 11 1/2 years! because i had to...the only reason i left was because the company laid me off in 2006...then 6 months later in dec 06 i went to work at a credit union in an IT capacity...i went from LOVING my job to crying every morning on my way to work and at work in one years time...i couldn't work under 2 micromanagers at the same time...i felt more worthless there than i did in my marriage or in my 11 year hated job...that was a horrible year work wise...i had to quit in Feb.08...and THEN....i sunk into this severe depression thing....now....i'm trying to come out of it...but i've had a lot of time to think and reflect on my life...and i'm starting to realize some things....heres a few of the things i've realized this year.... i have NEVER been as happy as i was on Mother's Day Weekend 2000....on Saturday, i graduated from college with my BBA...and on Sunday, i boarded a plane to spend a week in New York City...my graduation gift to myself...i accomplished two major goals in one weekend that i never thought i would accomplish...honestly, i am not one to smile very often, actually since i was a newborn baby, i've been known for my frowning...but on that Saturday, in 2000 you couldn't wipe the huge smile off my face...i remember that day and the way i felt so clearly and vividly.... another thing i realized this year is that one good memory of my dad...for years, since my dad died, the only memory i had of him was of him walking away from me like he didn't know me... also, i've always said that i know everything...i know it sounds concieted, but sometimes i really think that i know everything...i know everything i need to know...and if i don't know it, i guarrantee you that i will find out or learn it...therein lies another realization...i have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge...i love to learn....and to be challenged.... and finally, i've realized that the one thing i haven't done is realize my dream of becoming a dr...maybe not a cardio vascular surgeon, but at least a dr...Dr. Depressed Recluse, MD! ... but then my realistic brain starts talking and says come on...you're to old...you'll never get in...and even if you do, how are you going to pay for it....you haven't been to school in almost 9 years!...and how are you going to pass the MCAT!....and what about all the sacrifices you and your family will have to make...what about your son...you're crazy...you can't become a dr...LOL  Yeah right....from Depressed Recluse...to Doctor...who the hell am i kidding... ...am i crazy? am I venting?  am I feeling sorry for myself?  what the hell do i do....  -DR-