Am I being punished?
I was thinking about the events leading up to our accident. I had to take Jarrett to school, come back finish all my house work run back to school pick up jarrett, load up the car, feed the kids, finish the laundry and take my online exam for school all in a 6 hour time frame. I was overwhelmed and annoyed with my husband because he wouldn't take the day off. When he got home I started a fight, complaining that I have to do every thing for the kids with no help and I never get any time to my self, I never get the chance to be alone with my husband. Summer is coming and I'll have both boys 24/7. While trying to finish school.... What was I thinking throwing a fit over being with the kids. Did god hear me and say " Okay, if they are too much to handle I'll take one back!"????? Now I'd give anything TI have my Jarrett here fighting with his brother, collecting his rocks , watching TV, cuddling with us on the couch, climbing into my bed in the morning...,I don't think I can survive years away from my son. My husband made a comment last night, he asked me if I thought Jarrett would recognize us even if we die old. I told him I don't intend to stay that long, once jonny is old enough to become an adult, my job here is done.
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We all have those days when we feel overwhelmed! That doesn\'t mean God takes away our kids! In fact, my minister said right off at Jim\'s memorial, \"God did not take Jim, He was the first to cry.\" I have NEVER thought God \'took him\'. I\'ve been angry with God for my constant prayers that went largely unanswered or not answered in a way that I wanted them to be, but I depend too much on him to see me through every single morning now. Used to be everyday. Now it\'s the morning\'s and when I fall asleep. I have PTSD. I say, \"Dear God, help me.\" AND He does. I get up get busy. The PTSD wears off.
All sorts of thoughts come while trying to deal with grief. Self blame, for some anger at God, it\'s all part of the mind trying to find a reason. I don\'t think there is a reason. I\'ve arrived there after much self blame for not taking Jim to the ER. Believe me I considered it on that one single day. BUT as you know, he\'d seen the doctor, was to see his orthopedist the day following the next day and had pain meds. AND it wasn\'t his back as the doctor had diagnosed anyway.
The mind reaches and reaches and, in my case, does not have answers.
Do not punish yourself or doubt yourself or God. The \"unforeseen befalls us all\".
Always here for you.
LOVE,
Soos
It feels like I\'m walking in this thick fog, it\'s so hard to breathe. There are only two reasons I\'m still here. My husband Matt gas already gone through such a big loss, the trauma from the accident and watching my son die has caused him many sleepless nights, I don\'t want him to have to go through that again losing me too while he is still dealing with Jarretts death. The second is Jonny, my mom died when I was his age. I never knew a mothers love, I resented her for leaving me. Can I do that to him? My dad was in the military too I was shifted from one home to another while my dad would gave to go on these 6 month deployments. It\'s a scaring life, to be alone your whole childhood without a parents guidance and affection. I would never afflict that on my baby boy. But everyday I think of how much I don\'t want to be here any more. I resent every breath, every heartbeat, I\'m trapped in this life that I no longer want to live. I don\'t think it will ever get better. Greif is such a long process, something that I hear takes years just to manage to function and I can\'t handle that.
All that you are feeling is part of the grief process. Yes it takes a long time. He was your son. No one expects you to just get over it. That fact that you see what Jonny would miss without you hear is a good thing. You have to remember you are still a mother to a beautiful little boy. Think about what he is going through. Is there something you, your husband and your son can do together to help your grieve. Maybe sit and tell silly stories about Jarred together. It will make you laugh and cry but it will help you heal in a little way. Please talk to your doctor if you are still feeling like life is not worth living. You have been hit with a tremendous blow. There is no shame if you need something to help you through. Sending you a hug with a shoulder to cry on.
Oh sweet girl, no you are not being punished...though I KNOW it feels that way right now. I personally believe God does NOT take our children from us. Of course in those first weeks and months after losing Kala I totally blamed God. I was in such a rage and questioned why she wasn\'t protected. I had to totally throw out everything I thought I believed in and start from scratch. Other moms here have found great peace and comfort in, and a strengthening of, their original beliefs. All I know for sure is that none of our tragedies are due to some sort of cruel punishment.
Please try to not place undo guilt on yourself. In that moment when you were venting about being overwhelmed you were being honest. Of course we\'d take it all back now, but darling, in that moment you were doing all you knew to do...you were crying out for help...yes, maybe in an argument, but the core of what you were saying is \"I need help\". I don\'t think there is a mother here who doesn\'t have regrets for things said or done at one time or another. And even things that we had no control over, we still blame ourselves for and torture ourselves with all the \"if only\'s\".
My daughter\'s human experience ended on Jan 2, 2007. At that time I did not know if or how I would survive. At first I wasn\'t sure I even wanted to. I think we all feel that way in the beginning. Now, 4 1/2 years later I can honestly say I\'m living a happy, productive life again. It\'s been hard, yes, but I committed myself to finding life again and to living it to honor my daughter and to make her proud of me. For me, that was key. It gave me a purpose....making Kala proud. Not everyone understands that, and not everyone feels a need to make their child proud, and that\'s OK. This is what works for me...what motivates and pushes me. That, and all the incredible moms of ForMomsOnly. It makes a huge difference being able to share our deepest pain, thoughts, fears, and even anger, with other moms who know exactly what we\'re going through. We have a common bond, the tragic loss of our children, and we are forever binded together in love, compassion, and understanding because of it.
Please know there IS hope. You CAN survive this nightmare. We\'re all here to help in any way we can.
Michelle, I am so sorry about your precious son Jarrett. I have just read your journals and my heart breaks for you. When I read this one, I felt like I had to tell you this. I lost my son Chris 3 years ago. I also lost my stepson Pat Jr. 13 years ago. The morning that Chris died, we had a little argument over his room not being clean. My husband & I went on to church and when we came home, we found him. He died from a sudden cardiac death at the age of 23. He was born with heart problems and had surgerys growing up. But his heart was repaired and he was doing great! I too felt like I had put so much into getting him well thru the years and then God took him from me. What had I done? I felt so guilty about arguing with him about something so little as cleaning his room........was that really important? But what I wanted to tell you was...this morning at church our preacher\'s sermon was about compassion and understanding when someone is hurt. He talked about this mom who had to bury her son and felt like she was being punished for something she had done. He assured us....this is not so. That is not how is works. And while I did know this, many times I still felt like I was being punished. He told us that He crys with us and feels compassion for us and feels what we feel. I cried all through that sermon today, but when I left I felt like God used my pastor today to deliver that message to me. Something I needed to hear....and something I now feel I need to share with you after reading your journal. You will find so much understanding and support here on FMO and I offer you friendship and support as you are on this journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you and family. Love & Hugs, Kim
Of course you would do anything to have your Jarrett back. We all have to take this journey back to those last days, hours, minutes to poke around in them. The big \"G\" (guilt) is always there for things said, left unsaid, things done and left undone. I truly believe our mind and heart is trying to absorb the most tragic hurt of a lifetime. I also know that I wondered too if I could stay and remain on this earthly path without my son? I\'m still here and I really don\'t know how it can be? You too will figure out a way to put one foot in front of the other and simply to inhale and exhale. Healing is our birthright and somehow it happens. You are in the eye of the storm my friend and riding it out and we are all with you. Each of us needs different \"tools\" along the way whether it\'s grief counseling, support groups, medication, reading books on grief and loss, talking with other bereaved parents, writing, praying, cocooning, screaming... it\'s all to be experienced and none of it can be hurried along. Your timeline will be yours and it may not look at all like your husband\'s. Your family needs you and surviving this is happening now. My heartfelt prayers are with you and so much understanding. Gentle, gentle care, Michelle. Love, Joanie