Am I a bad person
Dear Jameson,
Mommy is really sad today as usual. Mommy can't get over being resentful toward Alexis. I don't want to be angry at her but I can't seem to help it. She died the same day as you. She was 18 and a senior in high school. She died in a car accident in which they think was caused because she lost control of her vehicle while texting. The WHOLE communtiy is mourning for her and I feel like people are not remembering you or me or your daddy. We didn't even have a car to take us from the funeral home to the cemetery after your service because of an error and her family rented the car from the funeral home that we used for you. Her death has been everywhere for the last month and mommy is sick of hearing, reading, and listening to it. I just want people to remember you. Mommy's cousin Brooke didn't even say anything to me about losing you and was not their for your service because she was at Alexis' funeral, which was obviously the same day too. They had memorial bracelets made for her and have already set up a scholarship fund in her name. It was on the news several times; especially because they are trying to pass new texting while driving laws. Then someone broke into her parents home while they were at her funeral I think so then that was in the news and then when they caught the person that was in the news. Then we went to Knoch's WPIAL playoff game at Heinz field (thats the school that momme went to and where Alexis was a senior at) and it was like the whole game was to honor her. She was a varsity cheerleader and was the girlfriend of one of the star football players. When she died the team or whoever came up with a phrase that took off and was THE thing for all of the playoffs "One star, One love, One team" Mommy doesn't not want to be bitter towards this young girl and it truly is horrible that she lost her life. But I'm so sick of hearing about it. Even the landlords said something about her last night when they stopped by to try to fix the electric because their son is in the choir and the Christmas concert was last night and a student wrote a song for Alexis and the choir sang it last night. You just feel her presence in the community. She was on the homecoming court too and lost to mommy's cousins Brooke and Chelsea (who won btw) Well actually I think she was the runner up to Chelsea (I can't remember for sure) I feel very bad for her loss and how it must be for her family and the community and for my cousins. But I am just so fed up with hearing about it. I hope it doesn't make me a bad person. Oh, and now someone youtubed the song and people are sharing it on facebook. I just can't seem to do anything without hearing about her which in a twisted way in my mind always goes back to you. I am mad for her esentially stealing part of our grief. Don't get me wrong I am glad to be from such a small community where a young person can have such an impact on the community and I am sure I would have grieved for her and the loss to her parents, family, friends, the community, her classmates, and so on. But I just can't get over somethings about how her death hurt me in ways that nobody else will ever know. I can't get over my own family not being there for me to be there for her family instead and I can't get over not having everything we deserved to have for you because of her. I feel like such a bad person for feeling like this but I just can't help it. I hope you don't think that mommy is a bad person. I really do try to be a good person and all of this has made me wonder what I did wrong to deserve all of this. Please know that mommy loves you very much and I just had to tell someone about these feelings that I feel ashamed to share with anyone else. Love You Always Jameson!
Love,
Mommy
Mommy is really sad today as usual. Mommy can't get over being resentful toward Alexis. I don't want to be angry at her but I can't seem to help it. She died the same day as you. She was 18 and a senior in high school. She died in a car accident in which they think was caused because she lost control of her vehicle while texting. The WHOLE communtiy is mourning for her and I feel like people are not remembering you or me or your daddy. We didn't even have a car to take us from the funeral home to the cemetery after your service because of an error and her family rented the car from the funeral home that we used for you. Her death has been everywhere for the last month and mommy is sick of hearing, reading, and listening to it. I just want people to remember you. Mommy's cousin Brooke didn't even say anything to me about losing you and was not their for your service because she was at Alexis' funeral, which was obviously the same day too. They had memorial bracelets made for her and have already set up a scholarship fund in her name. It was on the news several times; especially because they are trying to pass new texting while driving laws. Then someone broke into her parents home while they were at her funeral I think so then that was in the news and then when they caught the person that was in the news. Then we went to Knoch's WPIAL playoff game at Heinz field (thats the school that momme went to and where Alexis was a senior at) and it was like the whole game was to honor her. She was a varsity cheerleader and was the girlfriend of one of the star football players. When she died the team or whoever came up with a phrase that took off and was THE thing for all of the playoffs "One star, One love, One team" Mommy doesn't not want to be bitter towards this young girl and it truly is horrible that she lost her life. But I'm so sick of hearing about it. Even the landlords said something about her last night when they stopped by to try to fix the electric because their son is in the choir and the Christmas concert was last night and a student wrote a song for Alexis and the choir sang it last night. You just feel her presence in the community. She was on the homecoming court too and lost to mommy's cousins Brooke and Chelsea (who won btw) Well actually I think she was the runner up to Chelsea (I can't remember for sure) I feel very bad for her loss and how it must be for her family and the community and for my cousins. But I am just so fed up with hearing about it. I hope it doesn't make me a bad person. Oh, and now someone youtubed the song and people are sharing it on facebook. I just can't seem to do anything without hearing about her which in a twisted way in my mind always goes back to you. I am mad for her esentially stealing part of our grief. Don't get me wrong I am glad to be from such a small community where a young person can have such an impact on the community and I am sure I would have grieved for her and the loss to her parents, family, friends, the community, her classmates, and so on. But I just can't get over somethings about how her death hurt me in ways that nobody else will ever know. I can't get over my own family not being there for me to be there for her family instead and I can't get over not having everything we deserved to have for you because of her. I feel like such a bad person for feeling like this but I just can't help it. I hope you don't think that mommy is a bad person. I really do try to be a good person and all of this has made me wonder what I did wrong to deserve all of this. Please know that mommy loves you very much and I just had to tell someone about these feelings that I feel ashamed to share with anyone else. Love You Always Jameson!
Love,
Mommy
Replies
I don\'t think your a bad person at all for feeling like your grief is put on the back burner. You are not a bad person and I\'m sure you feel sadness for this girl who lost her life. We can\'t help our feelings. I also get that it seems cuel when all you can think about is your son and it seems that no one else is. I get frustrated too when I feel like people are starting to forget about Martin or won\'t talk to me about him at all. So I bring him up as much as I can. I\'m sure hearing about her loss is upsetting because it reminds you that you experienced the loss of your child around the same time. But because the loss is \'complicated\', it\'s not talked about as this girl\'s loss is because she was able to live until her teen years. I would say just keep talking about Jameson to everyone and remind them that he is and always will be a part of you. BIG HUGS!
Oh sweetie. This is so much to deal with in a small town. You must feel like you are looking in on everything screaming and wondering why no one hears you. You are not a bad person. It is clear you would never want anyone to feel this kind of pain, but your friends and especially your family should be there by your side and should honor the support and love you need right now. Losing a child before they have joined the \"outside world\" is so tough. For us they have been a living part of our life for many months and a part of our dreams forever. I think it is good that you get this off your chest and express yourself here. That is what your fellow angel moms are for. Sending love and healing to you and sweet kisses to your darling boy in the skies xoxo I hope maybe my Sam is showing him around and making sure he has lots of friends.
My heart goes out to you..I lost my own first born
(yrs. ago) when he was 5mos. old, just old enough to get to know him so to speak.You are not a bad person....the loss of a child is literally losing part of yourself and it is a pain that no one, except another who has been through it, can actually understand.
It\'s ok to be upset about folks not thinking about you and your son.
I hope my Johnny is showing Jameson around.
Sending you much love and comforting hugs....