Alright I admit it
So here we go......I am depressed! There I've said it!
I have been trying to talk myself out of this for a while now and it isn't working. I feel guilty for feeling depressed and then I said to myself.....self, you have every right to be depressed.....in the last year I lost both of my parents, I am dealing with a chronic, progressive disease and I just don't feel good and I'm fat and menopausal!
I know this will pass, I've been dealing with depression forever and I know this is a situational depression. I am on antidepressant, so I am already doing what I can to take care of this and only time will get me through. I have these lengthy internal dialogues with myself all the time.....my own talk therapy. I know I am making some progress but I wish this were over already.
I have been feeling very frustrated with my limitations......getting my O2 hose caught just infuritates me lately, I'm guessing everything is coming to a head and I am now going thought the "why me" of this illness. And maybe some of it is I don't fit in anywhere......illness wise. On the mctd board everyone talks about the pain and fatigue. I am only fatigued because of the depression.....I don't have much pain anymore. On the pulmonary fibrosis board everyone seems to be much sicker than I am. I still participate in both because I know I can either help someone or learn something.....but I feel left out.....is that weird or what.
I have not been to the gym in over a month......there's another cause for guilt. I know if I went it would help, but I can't seem to make myself take that step. Things are not getting done around the house that I actually want to do, but I can't work up the energy to do them...and that makes me feel bad. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter I will get to it when I feel better.....but I just want to kick myself in the but and say get over it.
Hubby knows that I am trying as hard as I can....he has seen me struggle before. He is being patient and has not said anything about me sleeping too much....he actually pulled the blinds the other morning so I could sleep in.....not sure how I feel about that. On one hand it was sweet, but is he so concerned about me that he is coddling me? He has never done that before, he is always the one saying get up and shower.....you'll feel better....get moving, do something......am I over thinking this?
Today I decided I should journal all this and maybe just get it out of my head. I shut the tv off ( which I hardly ever do, I like background voices) I moved to my recliner and I am writing. I have been having trouble concentrating, so that's another reason I haven't journal led much......can't keep a train of thought going....today seems to be better.
I am a bit fearful that something neurological is going on.....I mentioned before about my déjà vu episodes and I had an MRI and all seems good, but I've been having (not dizzy spells) off balance moments and yesterday I was watching tv and it felt like someone cuffed me up the back of my head.....but internally....if that makes any sense. Just as if my brain moved in my skull....so we'll see where this goes.
Well that's all i can do for now.
I have been trying to talk myself out of this for a while now and it isn't working. I feel guilty for feeling depressed and then I said to myself.....self, you have every right to be depressed.....in the last year I lost both of my parents, I am dealing with a chronic, progressive disease and I just don't feel good and I'm fat and menopausal!
I know this will pass, I've been dealing with depression forever and I know this is a situational depression. I am on antidepressant, so I am already doing what I can to take care of this and only time will get me through. I have these lengthy internal dialogues with myself all the time.....my own talk therapy. I know I am making some progress but I wish this were over already.
I have been feeling very frustrated with my limitations......getting my O2 hose caught just infuritates me lately, I'm guessing everything is coming to a head and I am now going thought the "why me" of this illness. And maybe some of it is I don't fit in anywhere......illness wise. On the mctd board everyone talks about the pain and fatigue. I am only fatigued because of the depression.....I don't have much pain anymore. On the pulmonary fibrosis board everyone seems to be much sicker than I am. I still participate in both because I know I can either help someone or learn something.....but I feel left out.....is that weird or what.
I have not been to the gym in over a month......there's another cause for guilt. I know if I went it would help, but I can't seem to make myself take that step. Things are not getting done around the house that I actually want to do, but I can't work up the energy to do them...and that makes me feel bad. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter I will get to it when I feel better.....but I just want to kick myself in the but and say get over it.
Hubby knows that I am trying as hard as I can....he has seen me struggle before. He is being patient and has not said anything about me sleeping too much....he actually pulled the blinds the other morning so I could sleep in.....not sure how I feel about that. On one hand it was sweet, but is he so concerned about me that he is coddling me? He has never done that before, he is always the one saying get up and shower.....you'll feel better....get moving, do something......am I over thinking this?
Today I decided I should journal all this and maybe just get it out of my head. I shut the tv off ( which I hardly ever do, I like background voices) I moved to my recliner and I am writing. I have been having trouble concentrating, so that's another reason I haven't journal led much......can't keep a train of thought going....today seems to be better.
I am a bit fearful that something neurological is going on.....I mentioned before about my déjà vu episodes and I had an MRI and all seems good, but I've been having (not dizzy spells) off balance moments and yesterday I was watching tv and it felt like someone cuffed me up the back of my head.....but internally....if that makes any sense. Just as if my brain moved in my skull....so we'll see where this goes.
Well that's all i can do for now.
Replies
Hi there! I\'m so sorry about how you are feeling, but I totally get it.... The \"G\" word is my enemy and once I start guilt tripping then I can throw myself into a depression real quick - or vice versa - I seem to do the guilt thing more when I\'m depressed, too! You have every right to feel depressed, it\'s hard to be graceful all of the time. I would often feel guilty when people told me how \"strong\" I am, or that \"I\'m amazing\"... I\'m really not, I\'m just surviving most of the time. Thankfully they don\'t see what my husband or kids see!
The granulomas in my lungs are not just in my lungs anymore, they seem to be coming and going to different organs. My kidneys, my bladder and most recently, my brain. I felt like you did, but what made it come to a head was that I had a focal seizure. I thought it was a classical migraine where you get the \"pass out lights\", but then my right side of my body was temporarily paralyzed and I couldn\'t write. An MRI showed a nodule in the left back part of my brain.... so it was VERY high doses of steroids (one called Decadron), anti seizure meds, meds to counter act the other meds... it has been a drag. All of the steroids made me gain 12 lbs in a month! I\'m so mad!! The sad thing is, that depresses me more than anything else!! I go in for an MRI tomorrow to see if it has come back since being taken off the medication - if it hasn\'t, then it was a granuloma, if it has, then they will do a biopsy because this type of thing can also be CNS lymphoma. Keep tabs on that neurological thing... I was also off balance. Not to add something else for you to worry about!
I\'ve gotten back to working out and as HARD as it is to even muster up the energy or desire to do it, I found that my confidence goes up by leaps and bounds right after I\'m done. I\'m not seeing many physical results yet (probably because after I\'m done I think it is my license to eat candy! HAHA!). I call working out my \"anti-depressant\". Try as hard as you can to start small.... you can do it!!
Also - TRY to nip that \"G\" word - you have enough going on that you don\'t need to punish yourself - you don\'t deserve it. You wouldn\'t let someone else talk to you that way, right??
Keep your chin up -- I totally get what you are going through, and you WILL get through it!
HUGS!!
Andee
Awe hon, I so wish I could reach across the miles & just hug you & hold both your hands & say that I\'ll walk the road with you to brighter better days.
But you know, don\'t be too hard on yourself or try & stop yourself from being too hard. Remember Rome wasn\'t built in a day right! Tiny little bits of progress to better times is always a good thing & there\'s no rules saying what accomplishments or successes you need to have at the end of a day.
You just keep going forward thats all that matters.
My dear friend.... as much as I hate to say this, I think depression is just part of the illness. And as I have said to myself many times... who wouldn\'t get depressed when you feel bad all the time, not to mention all the limitations that come along with the feeling bad.
I know so much how you feel about the depression, and I am sending 1000s of hugs to you. Please know I am thinking of you and am here for you.
Take care my friend... XOXO - TD
When I get depressed I always think of a line of a song, \"This will pass just like the good times do\". God, how depressing is that!
Be kind and gentle with yourself my friend. You have had so much to bear in such a short time.
As a chronically depressed person (I became very depressed just being diagnosed) I say count your blessings. You can actually point to specific events and everyone would say, wow, of course you\'re depressed.
Your husband seems like a very loving spirit, maybe he is comforting you, not coddling you.
Much love for you Beth. Kind and nurturing love.
Oh Beth,,, I wish you could come to Georgia and we could count our blessings and our curses together. Your last line sounds like a CFS brain thingy I get sometimes. The brain cognitive issues.. you have been through a lot and you went through it like a champ.. now it\'s time to let yourself sleep in and relax.. Maybe this is something that hubby knows but doesn\'t know how to put in words so closing the blinds was his way of saying it\'s ok to lay in.
I know that feeling of not belonging... I have been feeling so much better physically lately that I don\'t feel like I belong to CFS or Fibro Groups either. I know the feeling of wanting to belong but not wanting to feel worse to do so.
Have you ever read the book On Grief and Grieving ? It\'s an excellent book on what to expect from your body and your mind while grieving. If you are like I was.. my mother\'s death called a revisit of the guilt and depression of being sick with CFS, losing my job etc...
Hoping that you feel better soon. And you always belong at A Peaceful Place... We are a mixed group there...mostly we are women suffering and rejoicing through life... Make it your own... Spill what\'s on your mind... Start a topic .. I bet others will join in with you right away...
Well, that\'s my pep talk, my cyber hug and all the love I can send you through the net!
Peace, Love and Hugs
at least ten minutes per day outdoors in the sunshine. olive leaf extract is supposed to cure EVERYTHING.
I use chocolate soy milk as well, if i don\'t drink a lot of chocolate soy milk i don\'t feel right.
are you light headed. try potassium. it will lift you up as well. focus factor vitamins also helps me a lot if i feel out of it or foggy headed. makes you sharp. probiotic drink in the yogart section of the grocery store is another NECESSITY, without it i get down.
i hope you feel better! xxoo