Already Dead
Another day alone, another night alone. Do I try and scrounge up more pills to chase with whiskey (this answer is already yes), do I sit with the gun again hoping for courage, or do I call a suicide hotline that has no answers for me? That's what I am down to. More pain than I can deal with. Can't go on like this day after day. People are monsters. I guess I'm a monster too . . .
Replies
Some people are monsters I agree so we must be careful who we trust. If you live for other people\'s approval you will die by their disapproval. Better to make a plan on how to enjoy life and love yourself. Please don\'t take pills.
I don\'t want their approval. But I need to give and receive love. I do need acceptance. What else truly matters in this existence except for human beings? (And 4 footed babies.)
Waking up I am aware once more that the same thoughts fill my nights as fill my days. The memory of hope and love being dashed against a rocky shoreline. Remembering promises made, electric moments between two people, and then the horrible rejection. I\'ve made arrangements for someone kind to take my baby. There is nothing for me here. Nothing except pain. Sickening memories of what people are capable of, and the knowledge that for me life will not get better. I can\'t take these thoughts day after day, night after night. I can\'t take life - or this nightmarish imitation of life. Bring on the whiskey and the pills. Let me know love or let me die.
No, please get rid of the pills and the gun. You don\'t need someone else to complete you, and if you don\'t agree, you will find someone new in the future to love. It\'s not time to give up yet. You need to wait it out, and it will get better.
Are you getting help? Do you see a psychiatrist and/or therapist? Do they know about this?
I have a therapist, but I am careful what I tell her in order to avoid commitment. Not the normal kind we guys are usually afraid of but the kind where the dark side of the moon is showing through a hospital gown. I\'m hanging on just barely. Just took myself off meds recently that my family doctor prescribed which were knocking me unconscious in the middle of damn near anything - I was literally falling out of chairs like a narcoleptic. Now I\'m not sleeping at all. I really feel like I am at the end of the road physically and mentally. I\'m almost too exhausted to think, which oddly enough is the same way I felt when the meds were forcing me to sleep nearly constantly (despite for being out for 14+ hours at a time when I tried to sleep). Had a stalker recently who was a drug addict and who sent me a boatload of prescription pills totally unsolicited. Much to my own amazement I have actually began eating them like candy followed by bourbon on a regular basis. It\'s kind of like my version of Russian Roulette. I don\'t even know what most of them are, although I\'m pretty sure I\'ve discovered which ones are pain pills. I know it\'s not smart or practical. But honestly at this point it feels better than the alternative. Until I pass out, I still feel depressed, but somehow I am more at peace with the depression. Anything, including death, seem better than this terrible pain. This loneliness. And that is probably why I have no friends. :-( I\'m a God-awful buzz-kill . . .
I hope this won\'t piss you off, but what I hear more than despair is a lot of rage. And I think you could act out this rage in a way that doesn\'t harm yourself or others. It would be better to smash the hell out of every dish in your home, break the furniture, tear the books into little pieces.... Expel the rage somehow against inanimate objects, howl like a wounded animal, scream into a pillow. You need to get it all out of your system. Express it. Just don\'t act it out, because that is an irrevocable action. And be careful you don\'t end up with brain damage from drugs and alcohol that leaves you alive but impaired. Also, remember that even if you blow your brains out, some poor person is going to have to clean up that mess and scrape your brains off the wall.
I\'m not trying to say you don\'t have a right to die if you feel that\'s all that\'s left to you. But it\'s clear there\'s a LOT of life left in you and a tremendous longing for love and connection. What you are reacting to now is incredible hurt and rage. These are terrible feelings, but you would do so much better to process the feelings than to act them out. If you harm or destroy yourself, you can\'t change your mind or take it back, no matter how great your regret or remorse.