Aloneatnite
Hello New Friends:
This is my first visit to this web-site and I am not sure about the format and typical method one uses here. As has become my habit I am awake late into the nite and sitting up in the living-room because I am so frustrated with my husband I cannot sleep beside him. I don't feel much like writing because I will vent, and ramble and start crying. I am fifty years old and tired of suffering. I am a Christian and I try hard to remember that life here on earth is a challenge, and we aren't promised happiness here. So being alone, sick, in pain, and depressed is nothing I should sweat because this world is only a preparation for our real life. Yeah, there's a but... I was a fat and homely kid and nothing I tried helped. I did not deserve my weight back then, I do now. I really did not eat unreasonably or sit on my butt. However, I got "fat lectures" about how I was ruining my chances for a life and I wouldn't have boyfriends, good jobs, or even dates. My pediatrician accused my mom of lying to cover for me, and his lectures were brutal! I was suicidal by the time I was twelve years old. What I wanted most in life was to be thin and normal and grow up to marry and have a bunch of babies. To cut the pity party short. The pediatrician knew what he was talking about. The only dates I had were with men who saw how desperate I was. My first marriage gave me one son with a pathological liar who was cheating as we were "trying" for another child. I divorced his sorry lying hide. Most successful weight loss I ever had 220 unsightly pounds in one day Then I met a wonderful guy. I was fresh out of a nervous breakdown and he was so good. He talked to me and held me. He was good to me and acted like he could not get enough of me. He would hug me often, and talk to me no matter what time I needed him. He was a heart patient when we met and I understood he wanted no more children. I gave up that dream for him.
He is unhealthy I know. He has ED, his medicine and health issues cause that. But, he acts like that means we must stop being intimate in any way. He knows I cry and he just rolls over and goes to sleep. He will not hug or kiss me unless I prompt him. You women out there know how perfectly useless that sort of affection is! I am sick too. I have fourteen separate diagnoses. However, I am not a heart patient, so I don't have it as bad. He sits around and leaves almost everything for me to do. I went to college, worked and took care of him. Now I am too sick to work. If I want a hug I have to ask for it. If I want a kiss I have to ask for it. If I complain he doesn't, he says "I'm just worthless," the same answer serves for "why are all the chores mine?" I love my husband but I really hate my life. My Christian faith says suck it up and serve the Lord. What am I griping about? Yes, this really is me hitting only the high spots. I have so many demons that I try to beat down from my past that I feel like I am playing a "whack-a-mole" game. I try to give it to the Lord in prayer but the devil keeps slapping me in the head with them when he throws them back in my path. I am sooooo overwhelmed and have been for so long I don't how to keep pretending I can go on.
Pretending I am real
Alone
This is my first visit to this web-site and I am not sure about the format and typical method one uses here. As has become my habit I am awake late into the nite and sitting up in the living-room because I am so frustrated with my husband I cannot sleep beside him. I don't feel much like writing because I will vent, and ramble and start crying. I am fifty years old and tired of suffering. I am a Christian and I try hard to remember that life here on earth is a challenge, and we aren't promised happiness here. So being alone, sick, in pain, and depressed is nothing I should sweat because this world is only a preparation for our real life. Yeah, there's a but... I was a fat and homely kid and nothing I tried helped. I did not deserve my weight back then, I do now. I really did not eat unreasonably or sit on my butt. However, I got "fat lectures" about how I was ruining my chances for a life and I wouldn't have boyfriends, good jobs, or even dates. My pediatrician accused my mom of lying to cover for me, and his lectures were brutal! I was suicidal by the time I was twelve years old. What I wanted most in life was to be thin and normal and grow up to marry and have a bunch of babies. To cut the pity party short. The pediatrician knew what he was talking about. The only dates I had were with men who saw how desperate I was. My first marriage gave me one son with a pathological liar who was cheating as we were "trying" for another child. I divorced his sorry lying hide. Most successful weight loss I ever had 220 unsightly pounds in one day Then I met a wonderful guy. I was fresh out of a nervous breakdown and he was so good. He talked to me and held me. He was good to me and acted like he could not get enough of me. He would hug me often, and talk to me no matter what time I needed him. He was a heart patient when we met and I understood he wanted no more children. I gave up that dream for him.
He is unhealthy I know. He has ED, his medicine and health issues cause that. But, he acts like that means we must stop being intimate in any way. He knows I cry and he just rolls over and goes to sleep. He will not hug or kiss me unless I prompt him. You women out there know how perfectly useless that sort of affection is! I am sick too. I have fourteen separate diagnoses. However, I am not a heart patient, so I don't have it as bad. He sits around and leaves almost everything for me to do. I went to college, worked and took care of him. Now I am too sick to work. If I want a hug I have to ask for it. If I want a kiss I have to ask for it. If I complain he doesn't, he says "I'm just worthless," the same answer serves for "why are all the chores mine?" I love my husband but I really hate my life. My Christian faith says suck it up and serve the Lord. What am I griping about? Yes, this really is me hitting only the high spots. I have so many demons that I try to beat down from my past that I feel like I am playing a "whack-a-mole" game. I try to give it to the Lord in prayer but the devil keeps slapping me in the head with them when he throws them back in my path. I am sooooo overwhelmed and have been for so long I don't how to keep pretending I can go on.
Pretending I am real
Alone
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