alone and forsaken by Johnny Cash

it was 20 months since I lost Brad and i am discovering who my real friends are.And It is very,very lonely at the top.I feel so abandoned and i have  got really noone to talk to.This is because Seattle is a young city and young people today are interested in parties and such.They are not interested in making friends with someone who is as old as me and when people find out how Brad died...they avoid me like I was the Black Widown of Texas. There is a stigma on suicide.Noone discusses it.Yet they discuss lupus and the ads on breast cancer...please give me a break.....I dont have breast cancer and i dont know anyone who has had it.I do hope if they do work and meet me that they are rather quiet about it.I dont know how to react or what you as a friend want me to do.If you want someone for moral support I am not for you.My Moral support has to be myself.Thispain is killing me and I want to talk about it..but how can I if everyone here in seattle is discussing illness? I am getting tired of hearing about operations!Enough already! Cant we talk about something more nicer? Can we talk about the Road to Recovery? Or what about Lady Ga-Ga? Can we talk about the after effects of suicide without anyone getting huffed up?So lets not discuss illness.I am the wrong person to discuss illness with.Brad was very,very ill and i couldnt get him into rehab.Noone talks what alcohol and drug addiction does to health,family and your mental status? Isnt there anyone who wants to talk? Must we discuss all of these things?Guys...do me a favor....please do not discuss erectile dysfunction.It is not my concern.It is yours.Men do experience impotence sometime in their lives and it is up to them to get help not broadcast this to your employer or mailman.It is very very embarassing.It is embarassing.Please...there are more things in a relationship at 60 besides sex.In fact,I will clue you all..Brad was having certain physical problems and he blamed me for them,when you drink and take drugs it will effect parts of your body.This is one of the reasons why he drank.Impetience isnt a womans fault.Now let me say something.I loved Brad and we were together for 12 years and there will be no one else for me.We did have our share of good times together and I will never forget them.Do not blame me.His death wasnt my fault.People committ suicide for only reasons known to them and sometimes they leave no note and no explantation and this is true.I hope that Brad is in a better place and he is out of his pain because the past 3 years of going thru his drunk driving arrest,his jail time....and his other drunkness have been hell and I refuse to repeat them again.So if you have a drinking problem and you see me at the coffee house....you can talk to me..but i refuse to give you my number and i refuse to get involved with you.Once was enough and I had 12 years of it.And if you have got children.....I dont care if they are grown and i dont care if you have grandchildren...we will be cofffee friends and thats about it.I dont want to be a step mother and I have never wanted children.And I am glad that I am single because all of my married friends with children have got tremendous problems and i dont want any more then I have now.I also dont like a lot of things and at 63...I dont intend to go horse back riding or camping.Enough said..I will always love Brad.