Alone again with the Cat.... heartbroken
studying today, trying to focus on me.
I need to finish medical school, I know I can do it, can improve, I have potential...
everytime I take space and distance, I make progress. I think I need space more than ever.
which was unlike me before, always trying to fix things, feeling like I cant have a good day without him, I feel myself pulling apart from him and being more independent. I have a job now, my own income, I have my driver's license, my own savings.... Im more stronger financially to make a decision without him or being able to walk away from him without depending on him. The emotional rollar coaster of up and down every week are too hard to process.... one minute its paradise then its a livid nightmare.... I cant live with that much emotional crisis so often... every week or 2nd week there are crazy scary fights....last night he really weirded me out, slamming his gaming controller and fists on the desk that was supposed to be my study space.... clenching his jaw and showing his teeth growling with big eyes I thought he could become maybe violent? he'd never hurt me... but I could see him throwing things in another direction or breaking something ...even if it it doesnt touch me or never laid a hand on me... his anger was out of nowhere, and I dont know what to expect... its hard to trust and let yourself get close when its a yo yo game of come back or go away and you dont know which one it is that day or that week....
I actually pictured myself living alone, in a different city, or doing my clinical rotations in the states, without him, like he is stuck here with nothing, and Im lookig at this whole life I have ahead of me, all these possibilities... the cat is next to me, and I wonder, ok..if I left, Id have to figure out a place that allows pets... since I have 2 furbabies... :/
so im studying right now, Ive got my book out, I made some notes, and Im practicing questions and focusing on my license exam.
I really need space, its too much emotonally and very distracting for me, I cant study and do school when my marriage is basically a yo yo of crazy fights and unexpected paradise that wuickly turns into a nightmare every day or alternating week.
Replies
Its a month later since your first post, sadly it sounds nothing has changed.
You are on the right track for focusing on yourself, studying harder, working better, eating right, and taking care of yourself.
You must be the best version of yourself, strive to better yourself in every aspect,
Know the fact that we can not change people and their character any more that we can control when the sunrises.
Each one of us has to work hard daily to improve ourselves, to pray for ourselves and others.
I can not change the things I did in the past, but I can ask for forgiveness and have a desire to be a better person and live a more Godly life style. I am doing the work to be a better person because I want to, no one is making me.
This should be the same for you and your husband. No one can make you change. No one can make him change.
Decide why you are fighting and if your fights are worth the stress and if you are a better person because of them.
Are you living to learn and grow, is he helping you grow?
Ask yourself what would you say to your best friend who was having this problem?
I pray you are healthy and safe.
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Thank you MemphisWH and crystal for your response. I appreciate the offer of comfort and help.
I am very touched by your messages and I do sincerely appreciate what is written.
I do believe that you are right MemphisWH. This morning I made myself a coffee, started my routine. I didn't bother making breakfast or focusing on him and waking him up so that he doesn't sleep in till 3pm in the afternoon, since he has no job or kids to take of really....
Instead, I made sure my uniform for work is ready, even though it was his responsibility to clean it and cook and take care of the home since I work and financially support him (not a sexist or mean thing, just an agreement we had both decided on because I was doing all of it before, so we split the chores to lessen my load of work).
Im studying now, I have my book open, my questions are up on my laptop and Im giving myself the whole day to just focus on me and forget him, it sounds mean, but its necessary, or Ill will keep resenting him for hindering my career and holding me back. he has not helped me grow, I have learned a lot from this relationship, but my heart has taken so much pain. Even after talking to him yesterday, he stopped me from leaving with a suitcase because I think he is scared to be alone or doesn't know what to do without me.
Anyways, time for me to sip my coffee, do my work, enjoy my studies and get my life back on track.
Im going to be selfish and actually take care of myself for once!
Good for you to listen to yourself.
Now there is nothing wrong with him sleeping all day, and nothing wrong with him doing all the domestic choirs while you are the bread winner. No need to be formal conforming while things are still getting done.
There is no way you will change him, in fact he will grow more set every day little by little.
No kids means you only need to take care of yourself and your domain. whatever agreement you two have agreed on he must respect you and do his part. If he does not respect himself he will never respect you.
If he is not out to improve his life he will never encourage you to improve and be a better person. We all can improve ourselves, and be the best version possible.
Remember to praise yourself and thank God for how industrious you are by working and studying and taking care of your life and others.
Remember to take in the silence and listen to yourself, you are worthy and loved.