Alone
Today I’m feeling alone actually I have been feeling more alone recently than ever. I feel like none of my family not even my husband can understand the pain I am feeling. I was at the house when my daughter was hit I am the one that scooped her lifeless body from the ground screaming and praying as hard as I could to help me do something to help her and there was nothing I could do or anyone else for that matter that’s what cuts the deepest, I am her mother I am supposed to protect her to save her from anything and I couldn’t. It’s like one minute I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner and the next I’m in a hospital room holding my child who is no longer alive. And I feel like every time I close my eyes I am reliving that moment I can’t move past that moment I can’t even think about her laugh or how she said dada or momma I can’t think about how she walked or anything good just that moment.... that moment changed my life forever that was the moment I feel defined my future and I can’t stop living in that moment no matter how hard I try. Nobody understands how I felt in that moment when I try to talk to my husband he says it hurts to much and he feels guilt for not being there and shuts down.
One guilty, Alone momma
Corrine; Alayahs mom
Replies
I hope all us mothers on fmo can help you to feel less alone. .
what you are saying relates to many...
I cant emphasise enough how bad I feel for you.
especially the nature of how it happened obviously adds to your pain...
at the moment its sticking to basics like trying to make yourself eat.. sleep. ..
grief creates exhaustion. ..
its natural for you to feel isolated & alone. ..
I wish I could take away your pain...
but I learned a hard lesson regarding bereavement
after it got so bad with me
I thought I could cheat it. .
so I miss used prescriptions anything to numb myself up. .
worse thing I did..
because when I moved to my flat
I got so alone & despair I decided I didn't deserve to numb my pain. ..
hated myself.
so I stopped most of the prescription etc. ..
the bad ones I was on I just stopped them
went cold turkey. but had no idea that what I suppressed was going to resurface. .
it did..
in volumes far worse than if I dealt with it in the beginning. ..
I grieved til I could barely breathe
after 6 weeks deteriating in every way imaginable
even to point of seeing my bones. I looked like a skeleton.
it was lena this medium who saved me..
she knocked my door with her daughter. .
I will try find wher I wrote it
as it was inspiring how she changed my perception & pain...
I am loving the things you write and I am enspired by this medium and haven’t even got the chance to read the story yet. Everyone here has made me feel less alone I am sooo happy I have found this. The worst thing for me is sleep I can not get to sleep and when I finally do it’s for one or two hours and I’m back up I have not had one good night of rest in 9 months....
Corrine, don't blame yourself my friend. Alayah's passing was a horrific tragedy, an accident. Sometimes terrible things happen to good people. I went for grief counseling and it helped me. Maybe that is something you may want to consider. I can only imagine your shock and terror once you realized your precious daughter was hit. I'm so very sorry. Tight hugs and prayers...
Linda, Ed's mom ♡
Dearest new friend, what you are describing I too have felt still do at times now after almost a decade later. We each grieve so differently and what matters is that you honor your way and know that you are not alone in anything that you describe. I awakened at 3 AM for months as that is when we received the call from the hospital about our son and his overdose. I did not fight it and just got up and wandered around and often logged onto DS where other mothers were present so that I could read and reflect. Other times I would try to focus on my breathing, say my prayers and meditate if I was able. Sleep alluded me for a very long time and sometimes still does when my brain is working overtime.
Of course you feel that you should have been able to protect your daughter, yet as Linda said accidents happen and there is no understanding why they do, yet they happen. What we do with those shattered pieces of our lives takes a lifetime and there will never be a way to fill the Alayah sized heart in your soul. Just feel it all as you are and try to continue to nurture yourself as best as you can.
With my husband I noticed and pictured a figure eight. We both went out individually into our own circles to do our grief work and then came and met in the center of the figure eight when we could to remain connected. Whether we sat in silence, cried together, talked, raged, questioned, it didn't matter, all that mattered is that we tried to make some time for our shared grief in the midst of our own individual sorrow.
Please stay close, keep journaling and feel the deepest understanding that is here for you always because it is.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart from Douglas and me to Alayah and you. I am SO terribly sorry that you are on this path, yet grateful that you found a safe place to come and just BE.
XO Joanie
Hi Corrine,
Oh I am so thankful that you feel comfortable and understood enough to share here. We as moms sometimes, have this expectation that we are to be here, there, and everywhere for our children. We have the expectation that we will always be there to protect our children when reality is, sometimes we are not able to be. What you are feeling is so normal - the "What if's" would haunt me @ night, the "Why's" would paralyze me - it's all normal and the process we must go through on our journey......SIGH
It has been over 4 years since my Jennifer left this earth and sometimes I feel alone (less intense than the first couple of years) but I discovered that I am alone in my missing, my pain, my love for my daughter. I'm here mom, no-one else is.....a dad can feel the heart break and suffer but I don't know exactly how he is feeling either.....I don't like it, as I really want someone to feel exactly and know what I am feeling but no one can possibly know..and I had to come to the hard realization THAT EVEN IF SOMEONE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS FEELING, my precious daughter would still not be here......SIGH......that's why I come here - other moms who have lost their most precious gift understand and will listen which I find is priceless....we listen, say your child's name - Alayah..........we cry with you, we get it.......the gut wrenching sadness we feel and the quiet moments of the day, we get it.......
My daughter's dad had passed on prior to my daughter, so he wasn't here earthside - my husband of 18 years, knew my daughter as an adult so I really did not have anyone to share my grief or pain until I found this site. I don't feel so alone now and I pray you will keep sharing your heart.
Alayah is a beautiful name for YOUR beautiful daughter. I'm so very sorry that this accident happened. It was not your fault. I'm grateful that you found us, but so sorry you are on this journey.
Sending the tightest of hugs to you, Alayah's mom, from me, Jennifer's mom.