Almost Suicide Attempt #2

It has been the absolute worst weekend this season. I found out that my husband is still emotionally unavailable and still thinks that I am "over-dramatic"..... his exact words was "Crying and whining" He also told me I  that I don't love myself. Last year when I was laying on the bathroom floor hoping to take my last breath. I knew that. I knew that the love that I had built for myself had been wiped away during the 5 years of my marriage. The babymoma drama, the financial instability, my mental illness used against me. No, I don't love myself. In fact. I hate myself. I believe I don't deserve to live. That I am a waste of space never meant to find happiness.....only aid others in theirs. I haven't thought about being raped in a while....but today I did. That lonely, nobody cares nobody is going to save you feeling came back. It's fully amazing how  feelings can remind of the ones that are similar to it. I'm gonna go cold. I am freezing. And soon, nobody is going to be able to thaw me out. .......but my kids.....my babies.....they need me. Even if they don't know it. But I can't ask 4 little souls to protect me. Even though they are the only sincere unconditional love I have. It is one of constant giving. But the only way I'd leave them....is if I died. I would literally have to not be on this plane of exsistence to not be there for my kids. I wonder who I would be if I did love myself. I think about future me. 100 pounds lighter and smiling a real smile. I used to tell my mother before I had kids that I didn't kill myself before because I deserve to be happy one day....that I didn't want to die without knowing true happiness. I'm resigning myself.to the belief that that doesn't exist. I've been waiting for someone like me to show up. I thought I had found that person.....but .....it was a lie. A bunch of lies on top of a man who I saw every red flag waving in my face and I still fell for him..still gave him my heart and was truly surprised to see that he has maybe 10 years in his tank for me...until he gets bored and moves on. He's getting bored. I'm tired of crying. And he's tired of watching. I just want it all to stop. I want to heal. I want to be ok.