Almost six months

i can't believe in a week or so it will be six months. In that time I have seen two friends lose their husbands and we have become better friends. I have to admit I have been a little selfish as going through the beginning stages of grief with my friends brought back so many hard memories and at times I had to back away.  I still think of Danny all the time, I talk to him, and beg him to come to my dreams, which he has three times.  The emptiness in the apartment remains the same but I am able to cope and deal with it much better. There is a picture of Danny on my computer and I have spent many an hour looking at it, hoping Danny would speak to me through it. I am feeling so much guilt as I am thinking about my future, I am 39, and can't imagine spending the rest of my life alone, but I don't want anyone else but Danny. My world came crashing down on May 17th and the next six months will be the hardest. First the holidays, then his birthday, then valentines Day, then my bday and our wedding day. I hope I can find the strength to get through all of this. I am very thankful for my friends and for Danny's family who have welcomed me as one of them.  my soul mate is gone and with that a huge part of me died too. Money will be an issue soon and I need to think of moving to a smaller place, but Danny is here in our home and the thought of having to move scares and angers me. What if he can't find me? I know that makes no sense but what does these days. I spent the past two days in bed and lied about being sick and cancelled on some friends. Today I feel like getting out of bed, I need to get out of bed, I need to live, I need to remember that i will be with Danny again, it's just not my time.  I am just scared he won't always be with me, and I need him. Here is to small victories.