Almost Made It And Then I Did Yeah

I came in and she told me I looked like a California hippie with my shirt.  I told her I know one of my cousins was one at one time.  I changed the subject pretty quickly and told her I wanted to go next door.  “Right now?” she asked.  Yes.  I want to be able to do this – I can do it.  We’ll go to the bakery, buy something and then come back.  She asked me if I wanted to bring something with me and looked toward her drawer.  I said I brought with me in my purse.  Great – she seemed happy I came prepared.    So we left.  In the hallway going out – which is kind of narrow – we almost literally ran into her partner and her client in which she just got from the waiting area.  I asked her if anyone has said anything about it before.  No but she said she’ll have to apologize later to her partner for that.  She said that’s the dangers of going so early instead of waiting 10 minutes to go and better for my privacy.  I told her how hard it is to time this just right.  I think she knows this.  It is hard to time when I’m needing to go to the bathroom and may not be able to wait the 10 minutes to start out (I didn’t say but am thinking).  I asked that it’s not a big deal – is it?  No.  I’m still feeling badly for it and feel like it’s my fault and what we did was wrong.  But it wasn’t.  When we were leaving the waiting room a guy came in that I told her looks familiar.  She didn’t say a word.  She had to pause a minute at the top of the stairs to wait for me to come because I let them go first.  We walked down the steps and there was no conversation until we got to the bottom and we were walking out.  I asked her if she had a nice weekend.  Yes – she said nothing else.  We were outside walking over to the store and she asked me if I went to the walking thing this weekend.  Yes – and I’ll tell her about it later.  She commented how good that was and how I’m facing hard challenges.  Personally, I think she doubted that I’d go or not.  We got to the store.  I think I went in first but I don’t remember.  There was no one at the bakery counter.  That was good.  I asked her what she wanted.  She said whatever I wanted.  I told her to choose.  I’m sure she knew we didn’t have a lot of time here.  She pointed to what we usually get.  I asked what flavor and myself and the girl there named all 4 flavors.  She chose poppy and I said apple – in 2 bags.  Once I looked at her while she was getting them ready and she just gave me a big smile.  I tried really hard not to show I needed to go.  I saw someone with a “Bleed Blue” shirt on and I told her about my cousin saying that and so do we.  One more time I looked at her and she wasn’t looking.  Needed some encouragement I guess.  I remember once leaning on the counter looking down into the bakery items for a few seconds.  The girl gave me the bags, I paid and we left.   We walked out, I told her the older lady who was walking in, owns the store.  We got on our parking lot now and I said, “I really want to do this.”  She said to me, “You are doing great.  We are going to have a success here.”  She asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom downstairs or upstairs.  Upstairs.  We went into our building and stared going up the stairs.  I don’t know who went in first.  But on the steps I didn’t say a word and neither did she.  We just walked.  I hate the silence but at this point I was really trying hard and concentrating not to go to the bathroom and had to go really badly by now.  Again, she walked ahead of me, I was lagging behind a little.  We were just about at the top of the steps and I said, “Her name, I can’t do this.”  She turned around and looked at me (just my face) and told me to go into the bathroom down the hall so we walked in that direction instead of going into her office which was right there.  I’m sure I was putting my hands on my thighs, bending over a little like I do, to try and cover the best I could.  She didn’t look.  We were just about at her door when this happened but I guess since she knew I was not making it she chose for me to go down the hall and not back into her office.  Maybe in case someone was in there.  I’m not sure.  We didn’t talk about it.  So down the hall we went, me behind her.  We got to right outside the bathroom and she asked me if I wanted her to hold my bakery treat.  Yes, I gave it to her, almost gave her my change but put it in my purse instead.  She told me she’d wait for me in her office and I went in to the bathroom to change.  I like for her to stay and wait for me, like she does downstairs, but she didn’t.  I didn’t say anything.  I got back to her office and sat down saying, “I almost made it.”  She repeated trying to give me encouragement.  We then talked about the dangers of leaving so early a bit.  Then she talked about how we were at the top of the stairs and I told her I couldn’t do it anymore.  She wanted to know if I pushed myself too far or if it was the fear factor.  I told her I think I pushed myself too far because we were so close to coming back.  I just couldn’t do it anymore.  She said I was very calm at the store.  I did fine.  I asked her what I looked like.  She said she could tell a little in my face but no excess movement.  That’s good.  I think I stood at some point with my legs crossed but I guess she didn’t notice.  And she said they were fast today.  Yes.   Then we started talking about my weekend.  First I wanted to tell her about my Friday shopping trip.  I went to the new, big Walmart looking for my granddaughter’s birthday present – an Easy Bake Oven.  Oh, that’s so nice and she wanted to know if I had one as a child.  No but my friend did.  I went on to say I was in the toys with my cart looking and I needed to go to the bathroom.  I wanted to wait a little bit so I tried.  But I only lasted about a minute and told myself I better go.    The toys are at the far end of the store and the restrooms are up front.  So I left my cart there (with other things in it) and walked to the front of the store.  Only this can happen to me because when I got to the restrooms there was a big cleaning cart in the way saying they were closed for cleaning to use the ones in the back of the store.  I really didn’t read it all and went in anyway.  There was a man in there, I didn’t look at him and went into the bathroom and went.  I got out, washed my hands and left.  Outside were people, even with little kids, reading the sign saying they have to go to the back of the store.  It makes me feel like – they can wait and I don’t know if I would have been able to – probably not.    She said it was good that I went in anyway.  I told her I know even though I felt bad about it.  But it’s good that I took care of myself in that way.  But what would have happened if he was standing there blocking the bathroom and wouldn’t let me go at all?  One of 3 things would have happened.  One – I would have tried to make it to the back of the store and I don’t know if I would have been able to.  But I only waited a minute at the toys, maybe 2 minutes to walk to the front and maybe 2 minutes to walk to the back if I did that.  I can wait 5 minutes!  That’s why I think the fear factor came into play this time.  I may not have been able to wait until I got there.  Two – I would have froze and stood there and wet my pants in front of everyone.  Three – I would have left the store, gone out to my car and peed all the way there.  She said and then I’d have to go home and it would have ruined my day, my shopping trip.  Right.  She asked me how that is for me.  Really hard.  She asked me if when I go to stores do I always look to see where the bathrooms are as soon as I get there.  I try to.  Sometimes I know but sometimes I can’t or I’m with other people and can’t.  She asked me about Walmart and I told her I just know from other Walmart stores that they are at the front.  She asked me how that feels.  I told her bad.  It’s a pain.  I’m sure she knows.  Then I told her about Saturday going to the hockey game with my son, husband and grandson.  At first I started to worry, what will I do?  But then I decided it would be a fun thing to do so I told my son yes (he won 4 tickets at work).  I said how sometimes it’s so much better to do things spontaneously so I don’t have to worry so much in advance like I do like with the walk and such.  She commented about me worrying for a week.  Yes, I do that.    So we got there a little late because my son was so busy with the high school football game (he knows friends who teach there and he went to that school), a company picnic and a flag football game he was in.  I always worry even about walking there from the car hoping I don’t need to go to the bathroom before I get there.  But we got inside and before we went in I said I wanted to go to the bathroom.  I did and my son took my grandson to buy him a lemonade and popcorn and my husband and myself caught up.   He got him a huge, commemorative cup of lemonade.  I said I wanted to be normal, like everyone else so I got one, too and a pretzel I shared with my husband.  He got a soda and my son got a beer.  I only drank a little of it but my grandson drank the whole thing!  All that in his little 7 year old bladder I knew he’d have to go to the bathroom.  I had to go before him and then took him two times which gave me a chance to go.  Since he didn’t want to go into the womens I told him to stay put and wait for me when he’s done.  But I’m so fast I got finished before him.  Then we all went before we went home. We had excellent seats (she hasn’t been in a long time) just behind the goal maybe 11 rows back.  But one of the times that I took my grandson my son mentioned to me, in a nice way – not like my other son or daughter would have – that you are not supposed to go during play and you need to wait.  I told her my kids have no clue how bad this problem is for me.  She shook her head in agreement.  So I said to him – what if you can’t?  He looked at me and said, “You can.”  Then later unless it’s an emergency.  He did put it in a nice way – he’s like that.  And it wasn’t me who had to go that time.  It was my grandson.  So she was happy I was able to solve my problem and work around it without any incidents or anyone knowing.  Yes.  So then I went on to yesterday and the walking.  We didn’t need to be at our friend’s house until 3:30 so I kept as busy at home to try not to think about it because I was really scared.  Then as time passed on I looked at the clock and knew I had to wear my “concoction” and get dressed.  So I did with the pad, bike shorts and those special black pants.  Everything was so tight – I know those bike shorts are a boys.    Even in the car I was so scared my husband asked me if there was something wrong.  I’m usually good about hiding it but he even knew this time.  I just fluffed it off telling him I’m OK.  So we got to our friends house, talked a bit and were ready to go.  We were looking at what we were wearing and I even said how I got these pants at a thrift store for 3.00.  There were 6 of us (3 couples to walk) and 6 more joined us just for dinner later.  I went to the bathroom before we left the house and I didn’t know whether to go before we left our friend’s house.  I didn’t want to call attention to it.  Then I decided I better and did.    We were standing by the door and one of my friends mentioned about bathrooms out there and I said there are none.  Her husband looked at me and asked if I went.  Yes – I just did!  Looking out for me I guess.  So we went in 3 different cars.  I said I just wanted to do that and then go to the restaurant and then go home and the others followed suite. But I also did that on purpose because I knew I’d have to change my pants at some point.   First we went to a park with sculptures.  The more time we spent the more worried I got because we hadn’t even started walking yet.  So finally we left.  But I did spot some porta potties way across the field that I couldn’t get to that I wanted to so badly.    We got to the levee area and parked.  We got out and one guy friend (same as at the house) spotted a building across the field and said there may be restrooms there.  It was across a muddy field and he went first to check because I said the bathrooms may be locked.  Well, they were.  I guess he was watching out for me again but maybe he needed to go – I don’t know.  I said I didn’t need to, asked him if he did and he said no.  Another friend of mine said about going in the back of the building but I just said I was OK and if something happens I’ll just deal with it.    So we went on.  Just before the trail was a porta potty.  The guy friend went and so did I.  My therapist very happily said that God was watching out for me this weekend.  Yes.  Then I went on.  I told her I was a little worried because about every 15 minutes I went to the bathroom it happened a couple times.  I don’t know if I was so worried about this whole thing or if I was using the pad as a crutch in which I did not want to do at all.    I was really worried.  In fact, I almost took my phone with me because I thought I would have to call her.  I try my hardest not to call – I really do.  So I didn’t bring it.  But I maybe should have because I got 4 missed calls I saw at the restaurant.  She thinks it wasn’t a crutch because I know the feeling of being wet and I don’t want that or like that.  Right.  She thinks that I did that because of being cold and just worried.  Then she said that I could have gone a little thinking it would extend the time that I’d have to go again.  But I told her I just started going.  She asked if I couldn’t stop it.  No, so it probably wasn’t that.    So I did this going a little a couple times but it wasn’t a whole lot.  So I’m thinking the 2 times equal 1.  My pants weren’t wet.  And I remember what we said that the pad would only work for one time.  So we got to half way and then turned around.  We were all together at that point but then split up in 2’s.  A couple together, my husband and a guy friend together and me and another friend behind everyone.    Then I really needed to go to the bathroom again, I don’t know times, and for a little bit I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know how much that pad would hold.  I didn’t know what was going to happen.  So finally I decided to tell my friend.  She said, “You don’t want to fall down that hill.”  My therapist laughed.  No – I don’t.  We walked a little more.  There was another porta potty but it was too far away and I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it.  I told my friend that I really need to go and couldn’t wait very much longer.  She said she’d take off her coat and use it for a cover for me.  At first I was hesitant because I don’t want anyone to see anything much less be that close to me when I’m going.  But I had to so that’s what we did.   My therapist asked me how that made me feel.  Good that she’d do that.  But then she was so super nice – overly nice to me.  She was the one that called me up after our trip thinking I was in cahoots with her sister and gave me a hard time about my accidents on the trip.  It was almost like she was making up for it because before she said she never gives me a hard time about my accidents.  It was weird.  My therapist said she probably felt bad about doing that and was making it up to me.    But after I went to the bathroom I felt really bad again - that shame, ‘what did I just do?’ feeling.  I was with just her and I and I knew I had to talk.  I couldn’t be quiet.  It was hard at first but finally I got into it.  I think my friend felt bad and told me right after that she’s been drinking a lot lately and goes a lot more.  I said I’ve been trying to drink more, too.  But the whole thing was really hard and hard for me to get out of.    So going back it happened again (again I don’t know times) that I needed to go and this time my pants got really wet.  It was so uncomfortable and I had to walk back like that and it was cold.  The whole time everything reminded me of my problem.  The concoction of clothes, the pad, the wetness  - everything.  She asked me if I’d do it again.  Yes – we try to do this every year.  She said maybe next time there will be a tree I could go behind.  Or porta potties that will be there along the way.  I could take a purse and put the pads in and change every time and no one would know.  I said I didn’t carry a purse to these things.  She said to do that, or even a backpack.  I said about coat pockets.  That would work.    So on the way back I went to the porta potty again – just because – don’t know why.  It was there.  She asked me how I felt about it.  I said how everyone but the one friend thought I waited the whole walk but I really didn’t.  I didn’t say but I’m thinking now that that’s when it’s OK to hide.  I get so confused with this hiding/don’t hide it thing.  She said how my friends reactions were very nice.  How they are understanding my problem.  I said that was great but I’m afraid it’s accumulative.  The more I have to do these things the more they will think I’m a pain - like here we go again!  She said I do my best in not inconveniencing others and I’m fast.  She has a friend who’s a vegetarian (I live with one – my husband and daughter) but never says she can’t go to this restaurant or that restaurant.  I said how my other friend used to say to me, “I can’t take you anywhere.”  She said that was so wrong and how inappropriate she is and that’s not the way it is.  That’s the shaming thing.  I’m afraid it will be like that.  She thinks not.  So we went back to our cars to go to the restaurant and she asked me if I got to change my clothes.  Yes.  I did in the car.  I had to say something to my husband and I just told him I have to change my pants and not to say anything, I didn’t want to talk about it.  She asked if he noticed earlier the different kind of pants.  No he didn’t say.  I had brought another pair of black pants with me hoping they wouldn’t notice after I had changed.  I also brought another pair of jeans with me because I didn’t know what was going to happen.  I don’t think anyone noticed at all and that was good.    I needed to go to the bathroom again and I told her I wanted to go next door again.  Not to buy anything but just to go over there, inside and come right back.  I can do this!  She asked me if I wanted to bring extra clothes with me.  I said I didn’t want to … but I better.  So she got my bag out of her drawer, handed it to me, I asked her to hold it and she did.  We walked out again. Leaving she waved and said hi t the massage therapist.  Out of the office and down the stairs and out the front door.  No conversation at all.  I don’t like that.  I know I’m concentrating on not going to the bathroom and why she’s silent I don’t know.  Sometimes, when we walk out back, I ask her to keep talking about anything.  I guess she doesn’t remember.    Out on the parking lot that man that I see up in their waiting room gave me a big, “Hello there.”  I said hi and comment to my therapist, “That’s all I needed.”  She asked if that was that guy - yes.  She said he’ll be asking his therapist to go next door to the store now too.  We chuckled a little.  So we got to the store and went in.  She was leading and we went right past the bakery in the front of the store.  She stopped, kind of hesitated, at the dining area.  I said we can walk through and around and then out.  So I lead and that’s what we did.  We walked out and she told me we were going to go in through the back of the building and I can use the bathroom downstairs.    So that’s what we did – in silence again.  She did ask me quickly once, “How are you doing?” and I replied back, “OK.”  It was still outside, approaching the back door.  She opened the back door for me to go in first.  I went down the hall and saw the door was closed (she didn’t have to walk ahead of me this time) and went to the bathroom.  She was waiting for me by the stairs again still holding my bag.  When I saw her I said, “Yes!”  I was so happy.  Finally a success! We walked back upstairs, I opened her door hoping no one was in there, there wasn’t and I walked back first back to her office.  That was super.  I did it!    She put my bag down on the floor by her drawers.  I sat back down on the couch.  She asked me how that felt.  Great!  I told her, “I knew I could do it.”   I had told her that I wanted to come back up here (to go to the bathroom) but thought I better not.  She said no, there was too much going on up here.  I guess she means people and maybe that possibility of not being able to get in the bathroom but she didn’t say.  She wanted to know where physically it feels so great.  My upper body and arms like, “Yes!”  She told me to show her that feeling with my arms and to keep that good feeling and handed me the tappers.  And to do that even with the tappers.  I did and they dropped to the floor on her end.  After she picked them up.  I said about doing that exercise we started last time.  She said we’d do it now.  But I wanted to tell her something real quickly first about what happened at breakfast yesterday and I did.    The manager’s family (he was so nice to give me a bagel pack with cream cheese when my granddaughter had her surgery) was sitting right across from us.  Once he introduced us to them – and his partner so he’s gay but that’s no big deal.  When we were about to leave, I’m friendly, I started talking to them.  The one guy looks so much like my youngest son the with blonde/red/brown curly long hair and being tall and skinny.  The other manager has my son’s name.  So we were talking and earlier I keep looking at him like my son being there.  And soon I’ll see my son and I’m so excited!  So we went on to do the exercise.  She read to me what we had said last time while I closed my eyes.  After she asked how that was.  I said how I want to tape record it and put it in my mind to use when I’m out there.  She asked me if I wanted a copy (yes) and how we’ll work on something for me to take it with me on my trip.  Either writing myself a letter or calling my cell phone or something.  But we’ll do it together.  Now, she didn’t say about her calling and saying these things.  Maybe she wants to try to steer away from that and make it coming from me.  But I also need outside reinforcements and I hope she understands that.  Really all the help I can get with these issues because she knows and says how these conflicts will happen while I’m out there.  But here’s what the paper says that she used as a guide that we worked on last time and this time with the tappers.    Issue:  Dealing With Son or Aunt Challenge:  Conflict with them with no warning I need/want to believe:  1.  It’s them/they love me                                        2.  Stand my ground                                        3.  It’s temporary I need/want to feel:        1.  Confident                                        2.  Love                                        3.  Accepted I need to do:                   1.  Protect myself – be proactive                                        2.  Not feel hurt  So we ended and I mentioned that we need to talk about the trip itself and all the different aspects and possible scenarios – things that can happen and how to deal with them.  We’ve not done that yet.  She asked me if I want to do that next time.  Yes.  And, we’re avoiding her – Big Bertha – as I looked at her drawer.  She commented how she’s feeling lonely or left out or something.  I need to do that and I know.  We’ll get to it.    And she talked earlier how it works – like I’ve invented something with the contraption of clothes and pads.  I said it works on the outside and not the inside.  She thought my inside thoughts (I didn’t say but that’s true, too).  I meant that it still gets wet and I can feel it on the inside but I know it doesn’t show on the outside.  She said I can wear the bike shorts under a skirt.  I know.  And then she went on to tell me I can wear them, or bring them, there anytime I want.  I didn’t say but I want to avoid the whole thing as much as I can.  I had to wear them this weekend because I don’t think I had a choice.  But not for every day things.  No way!  Maybe just for extreme situations.  I hate this problem!