All the reasons why
So i have been away for awhile mainly because I've gotten too frustrated. I did find medical attention, but it didn't work. It didn't work at all. He wasn't getting me, my therapist, I doubt he even cared. I miss my grandmother, maybe for selfish reasons, but I'm not the kind of person to look for people that already passed. Actually, I respect them, but I have no longing, I guess I respect this kind of loss and it's never been hard for me. So I think I just miss her understanding. I feel alone, all alone. I have no friends. My family is made of good people, with flaws of course, but they are mostly very good people. The thing is that I don't feel like they are my family, I don't feel like part of this family at all, I don't fit, I don't belong. My closest friends are only friends for the good times, the bad times we handle by ourselves. I tried to make friends online, but guess how that turned out? I have failed. I have failed at mostly everything, and I know, I just so know that I shouldn't be so harsh with myself, that I should see things positively, but right now I don't have the strenght. Right now I just want to let it bleed, I honestly just want to cry. Any effort to see my life as a not so failed one is going to be pushed to tomorrow.
I'm tired of all this. I wonder when it's going to end. I wanted to understand this before, but it seems there's no answer. I've lost hope, I've lost my pride and maybe my dignity. I feel like a burden, like my existence there's no meaning, but still here I am, filling space, my parents have to pay the bills, they gave me my room, they buy me food, my mom washes my clothes, and yet I make they suffer for having a daughter like me, they have to watch me lay in bed all day doing only God knows what on my computer. My father said to me that I only give him expenses. He got tired of asking me if I plan to work someday. My mother doesn't say anything. But they always seem to care when I'm sick or when I don't eat for more than one day. They want me to be alive, but for what? Why they want me to be alive? Don't they see how my life is miserable? Do they do something to make my life better? They want me to be alive just so they can hurt me over and over again?
Also I'm tired of thinking about suicide, because looks like I'm a failure at this too. I'm such a fraud, a hypocrite. I can't take this anymore, but still I can't slash my wrists. I can't stop fearing death, I can't stop thinking in the fucking hurt I would bring to my mother who had already lost a child. I can't stop thinking that I would leave my brother to grow up on his own, like I did, with indifferent parents, like I did. I could just quit, you know, but I care too much. And now I cry, I cut and I scratch my skin because that's the only thing I can do.And apparently, I write. I write to no one. I face the truth that it's real, that I'm like this, that I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be no different than today. That I'll have to deal the best way I can, or refuse to deal at all, because sometimes I just can't help it. Somedays I fall and I have no one to hold me, nothing to lean on. Maybe I should stop dreaming and live with what I have. Maybe I should stop holping to make good friends. I should stop waiting for a best friend that will be there for me when a need to talk or even just a hug. I should stop dreaming with some awesome girl who would want to be my girlfriend. I should stop wanting a good and long term relationship. I should stop waiting for someone to care at all. I should stop wanting to accomplish anything if I'm going to let my pessimism and my obssessions get in the way. I should write something positive, so I can end it on a good note, but like a said, today is not one of my good days.
I'm tired of all this. I wonder when it's going to end. I wanted to understand this before, but it seems there's no answer. I've lost hope, I've lost my pride and maybe my dignity. I feel like a burden, like my existence there's no meaning, but still here I am, filling space, my parents have to pay the bills, they gave me my room, they buy me food, my mom washes my clothes, and yet I make they suffer for having a daughter like me, they have to watch me lay in bed all day doing only God knows what on my computer. My father said to me that I only give him expenses. He got tired of asking me if I plan to work someday. My mother doesn't say anything. But they always seem to care when I'm sick or when I don't eat for more than one day. They want me to be alive, but for what? Why they want me to be alive? Don't they see how my life is miserable? Do they do something to make my life better? They want me to be alive just so they can hurt me over and over again?
Also I'm tired of thinking about suicide, because looks like I'm a failure at this too. I'm such a fraud, a hypocrite. I can't take this anymore, but still I can't slash my wrists. I can't stop fearing death, I can't stop thinking in the fucking hurt I would bring to my mother who had already lost a child. I can't stop thinking that I would leave my brother to grow up on his own, like I did, with indifferent parents, like I did. I could just quit, you know, but I care too much. And now I cry, I cut and I scratch my skin because that's the only thing I can do.And apparently, I write. I write to no one. I face the truth that it's real, that I'm like this, that I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be no different than today. That I'll have to deal the best way I can, or refuse to deal at all, because sometimes I just can't help it. Somedays I fall and I have no one to hold me, nothing to lean on. Maybe I should stop dreaming and live with what I have. Maybe I should stop holping to make good friends. I should stop waiting for a best friend that will be there for me when a need to talk or even just a hug. I should stop dreaming with some awesome girl who would want to be my girlfriend. I should stop wanting a good and long term relationship. I should stop waiting for someone to care at all. I should stop wanting to accomplish anything if I'm going to let my pessimism and my obssessions get in the way. I should write something positive, so I can end it on a good note, but like a said, today is not one of my good days.
Replies
MAYBE YOU DON\'T SEE YOUR MOTHER PAIN, HURT, HAVE YOU LOOKEED AT HER ,SHE CARES FOR YOU, WHY DON\'T YOU JUST TALK TO HER, AND ASK HER TO TALK TO YOU ,ALSO YOU SAY SHE LOST ONE CHILD, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PAINFULL AND HEARTBREAKING IT IS, BELIEVE ME ITS HARD TO LIVE WITH SUCH LOSS, AND IT MUST BE SO PAINFUL FOR HER TO SEE YOU WASTING YOUR LIFE, YOU WANTS FRIENDS, BELIEVE ME SHE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND, GET CLOSE TO HER, SHE IS HURTING JUST LIKE YOU, JUST HYDING IT, LOOK A LOT OF PEOPLE GOES THROUGH TIMES WHEN ALL IS BLACK, AND THEY LIVE AND MOVE ON AND LOOK BACK AND SAY \'\'HOW DID IT HAPPEN\'\' AND THEY HAVE GOOD LIVES. ASK YOURSELF ,WHAT MAKES YOU WANTING TO HURT YOURSELF, WHAT KIND OF HELP DO YOU NEED, INSTEAD OF GOING FROM SITE TO SITE, SIT DOWN AND SEE WHAT IS REALLY WRONG, TALK TO MUM, LOVE YOU LUCY,,