All Screwed Up

I don't know exactly know where to start. It's been a very long time since I've posted anything or even checked the site. This time of year is the worst for me. I've been divorced and on my own now for a little over 3 years. It's just me and my dog, Rocky. I lost my job in May 2011 because I began having seizures at work. So now I'm on SSI for the next 3 years so the doctors can try to find a medicine combination that will control my seizures. I was having grand mal seizures. I'm still having seizures, but now they are different. They are either petit mal or tonic/clonic? Something like that. I can be at someone's house, talking to them and then just "zone out". I fiddle with my thumbs and fingers, and ruffle my shirt and stuff. Completely unaware of it all and then I can snap right out of it and join in the conversation like nothing even happened. That's scary. I can't  drive out of town. I have to rely on others to take me where I need to go. I've been having awful anxiety attacks as well. I'm trying to work on being less selfish. I'm working on giving more of myself and my time to others. And I think it's selfish for me not to post now and then to let others know what's going on with me. I'm a recovering alcoholic and therefore, a selfish person because of it, but I'm trying to change that. I had a really bad day Saturday. I just woke up wanting to cry. And I did. I cried off and on all day. And it did not make me feel better when I stopped. That's how bad I felt and I don't really know why I was crying. Could of been anything: my hormones flipping out, my depression, anxiety. Maybe all of that and a few other things I can think of. My AA sponsor passed away a couple months ago. And sometimes it's hard for me to grieve for someone right when they die. It's hard for me to eat 3 meals a day. Today was a better day. I made myself eat breakfast. I don't usually eat breakfast. I drink coffee instead. I need to change that. I just needed to get this out of my head.