All Over The Map
I find myself having so many moments where I think, OK this is not real, I'll wake up tomorrow & everything will be normal. I'm all over the map mood wise, up down & all around. I keep having people tell me I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't experiencing these moods so I try so hard not to be too hard on myself.
I've gotten pretty much all the gov required stuff taken care of, various death benefit stuff, you know. I've just got his city pension benefits to take care of but I think my financial advisor can have me sign a waiver so the city can turn necessary info straight over to him. He's coming here tomorrow so we can draw up the forms necessary to have all hubby's holdings over to me. Boy do I have moments where the whole financial pic is a huge monkey on my back. My investor assures me that things will be fine. He believes that we could even set up a small monthly income yet not touch the principal of my investments. Somehow I'd like to hold off on touching any of that for a few yrs yet but I trust him totally so I'll abide by what he feels is best.
Keeping the house now suddenly feels like "what the heck do I think I'm doing". My sister & brother-in-law have been having brain storming sessions with me on sreamlining alot around the house, making for much easier maintenance overall. I've been slowly changing minor things & in all honesty I do plan on some major decorating things. I have moments where I feel almost guilty in this thinking yet instinct tells me hubby would want me to totally make it mine now. We had sort of talked abt this in the past. Making sure when I feel myself getting too carried away I pull the reins in & kind of whoa girl, take it slow, breathe, etc. etc.
My health is still a battle. I've still got the remainder of whatever flu/cold I had & I feel that when I shake the rest of this I can fully concentrate on the lupus end of life. I've only gone thru one period like this, over 10 yrs ago, when I was diagnosed. This one seems like a huge uphill battle but I guess when you think I'm that much older now it can make sense, doesn't make it any easier but makes sense. Not sure abt my new med routine. I had major doubts on the Cellcept at 1st but I'm still on an extremely large prednisone dose & that can mess with you. Just started a slow reduction of it so thats that. I feel like I must look like a baby elephant or something I tell ya. I sure pray that I can keep working to get back to what I feel is the real me. I get so exhausted so easily. I find if I have to be out & am on the go for up to say 4 hrs then by supper time I'm done totally. I don't know if I've got time for this darn it. The most major thing dragging me down is the possible kidney issue/involvement. I've got further follow up tests etc coming up over the next month & darn it all I need this to go right thats all I'll accept!
Angel had a hard time for a few days, boy could I tell, poor little princess. I make sure I'm always there for her, taking care of all the little things that hubby would you know, trying to make her life as normal as possible. She was totally a daddys girl. Doing our best together.
Have communicated with my reflexologist & she says she'll do whatever is in her power to help reset my overall wellbeing. She's got some ideas planned already & I'll probably see her every second wk for a while. She'll put together a treatment plan that she can specificially target individual organ areas of the body & then do overall rebalancing. I've been seeing her for alot of yrs now & have many times experienced her benefits. Probably the major thing I'm looking forward to. Sure wish I could get to the gym and/or yoga but I've got to admit that I'm just not strong enough now in any way.
Well I guess I'll stop rambling for now, pooped & have to think abt supper. Never thought that thinking groceries, cooking, etc for one person could be so difficult.
Replies
Hi Kitty, honestly I think you're handling all of this very well. This is a huge life changing thing, so sorry about your DH (again I know I keep telling you). I'm happy Angel is with you and that you're getting such good support from those close to you. The only red flag for me is to make sure you absolutely trust this advisor as he's handling alot for you. TRUST is big. Maybe your bro-in-law or someone else can attend these meetings..... hopefully this is a non-issue but you know me, just putting it out there. So, stop, take a deep breath, keep yourself well first, then the other stuffs will happen. Love you friend, wish I was closer to lend a hand during this difficult time. xxoo
Hello, finally, my sweet friend. I too think what you are going through is not at all unusual but I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier. You have a lot on your plate at one time but taking it one moment at a time really can help.
I'm so sorry and heartbroken that I wasn't on DS sooner.
I think your investor sounds like a great guy to have on your side and I'm hoping you will be able to let that rest upon you like a gift (instead of a $ being a worry). It sounds like that all will be OK in that department.
I hope this lupus flare doesn't take hold too long. I'm praying for healing and protection for you, especially for your kidneys. I've heard that grief alone is terribly exhausting and adding a flare+++ to it seems like you need to have a lot of patience with yourself if you can. As long as you are eating, I would give yourself the grace to let everything else go (like housework and errands and whatever you can, let it fly away : ). I used to say that if someone saw my mess and didn't like it they certainly would be welcome to FIX it while I took a nap!
If you can squeeze in some massage therapy that would be wonderful.
I'm glad to hear that your sister and BIL are trying to help you streamline things around the house. I used to use a lot of "tricks" to take shortcuts when I was really low on energy. Maybe sometime soon I can share some of those with you, not that they would be new to you, but sometimes reminders at just the right time can really help when you are overwhelmed. I remember that I needed just one tip a week to try. : )
I guess my tip for this week, since I'm sadly behind, would just be to breathe deeply, linger in prayer and drink as much water as you can handle.
I love you and am in prayer for you!