All My Life's a Circle
Well, here I am again with the same thoughts, same feelings, same sadness. I have come to the sad conclusion that I don't have a life and it's all my own fault. My psych, my counselor, and my friend who just recently dumped me have all told me that I need to take care of myself. I need to worry about myself first and others later. I need to love myself or others won't. Now I'm even been bombarded with books and articles that are telling me the same thing. Blah, blah, blah.....
I'm confused. All my life I heard that you're supposed to put other people first. You're supposed to treat others the way you would like to be treated. God comes first, your husband second, then your kids, your relatives, your friends, your job is in there somewhere, and yourself last. Don't be selfish. Give til it hurts. Give the guest the best. And I know there are more out there. I would like to know how I'm supposed to take care of myself first when I'm at the back of the line.
When I was growing up, my grandmother (my substitute mother) always put my needs ahead of hers--at least the material ones. She reminded me ALL the time about how she went without things so that I could have them. I felt guilty as hell, but I learned to do the same for everyone around me--especially my husband and children. I never really minded until I really took a look at my "wardrobe".
I don't own a single pair of underwear that isn't torn. I hate spending the money on something nobody is going to see except me--but I'll spend $5 each for a tiny piece of elastic with a tiny piece of fabric that passes for a pair of panties at Victoria's Secret when I'm buying them for my daughters. I have 3 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of shoes, and a pair of flip flops that are two different sizes (long story for another time). I own two dresses that I've been wearing to "fancy" occasions (oh, I forgot I do have a pair of "dress" shoes also) for the last 15 years or so. About 99% of my non-work tops are T-shirts that I've bought over the years from all the sports teams, bands, schools, etc that my kids have belonged to. My work wardrobe consists of scrubs and a lab coat.
It doesn't really matter all that much because I don't go anywhere or do anything that requires me to be dress nicely. But my husband is always yelling at me for spending too much money and asking me where all my money goes. The fact is that if I'm buying clothes, they're for my kids, not for me. HE'LL go out and buy shirts and jeans every time they have a clearance sale at Kohl's (which is at least every season). He has clothes that he's never even taken out of the bag after he brought them home. He has things that have been hanging in the closet untouched for so long that they have collected dust! He's been known to come home with the same shirt he already bought a couple of months previously!! And he NEVER gives any of them away!! He has more clothes in the house (all over the house--in every closet) than all of my children and I, including our grandson, have ever owned! But I'M the one with the problem.
Then there's the matter of time for myself. I don't have very much. If I'm not at work, I'm driving kids to all the places they need to go, or taking them to appointments that they won't go to if I don't take them, or I'm attending one of their functions. If I want to do something to unwind at the end of the day, the time has to come out of my sleep time. I'm a "night person" so no matter how exhausted I am, by 10 pm I'm awake and raring to go. I have to force myself (and take Ambien) to go to bed by 2am so I can get up and drive the 1.25 hours it takes me to get to work every day.
At work I go out of my way to do everything I can to make everyone else's job easier. I always go the extra mile and put in extra time--nope, don't get paid overtime, do it for free. It's just the way I am. But I find myself feeling resentful at the end of the day when I'm still here and everyone else has gone like "bats out of hell". I know it's my own choice, but I wonder why I seem to be the only one who wants to do an excellent job.
Oh well, there is a lot more I want to say, but it's late and I'm tired. I'm still here at work at 1 am because I never get a chance to use the computer at home and it's too tedious to make journal entries on my Blackberry Pearl. I worked until midnight and thought I'd take some time to myself, but now I have to drive all the way home in the rain. My son texted me an hour ago to tell me to be careful because a lot of roads are flooded, which means I'll probably get lost (I'm seriously directionally challenged) because the river that I have to cross will probably have the road closed.
Oh well, I do it to myself......
I'm confused. All my life I heard that you're supposed to put other people first. You're supposed to treat others the way you would like to be treated. God comes first, your husband second, then your kids, your relatives, your friends, your job is in there somewhere, and yourself last. Don't be selfish. Give til it hurts. Give the guest the best. And I know there are more out there. I would like to know how I'm supposed to take care of myself first when I'm at the back of the line.
When I was growing up, my grandmother (my substitute mother) always put my needs ahead of hers--at least the material ones. She reminded me ALL the time about how she went without things so that I could have them. I felt guilty as hell, but I learned to do the same for everyone around me--especially my husband and children. I never really minded until I really took a look at my "wardrobe".
I don't own a single pair of underwear that isn't torn. I hate spending the money on something nobody is going to see except me--but I'll spend $5 each for a tiny piece of elastic with a tiny piece of fabric that passes for a pair of panties at Victoria's Secret when I'm buying them for my daughters. I have 3 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of shoes, and a pair of flip flops that are two different sizes (long story for another time). I own two dresses that I've been wearing to "fancy" occasions (oh, I forgot I do have a pair of "dress" shoes also) for the last 15 years or so. About 99% of my non-work tops are T-shirts that I've bought over the years from all the sports teams, bands, schools, etc that my kids have belonged to. My work wardrobe consists of scrubs and a lab coat.
It doesn't really matter all that much because I don't go anywhere or do anything that requires me to be dress nicely. But my husband is always yelling at me for spending too much money and asking me where all my money goes. The fact is that if I'm buying clothes, they're for my kids, not for me. HE'LL go out and buy shirts and jeans every time they have a clearance sale at Kohl's (which is at least every season). He has clothes that he's never even taken out of the bag after he brought them home. He has things that have been hanging in the closet untouched for so long that they have collected dust! He's been known to come home with the same shirt he already bought a couple of months previously!! And he NEVER gives any of them away!! He has more clothes in the house (all over the house--in every closet) than all of my children and I, including our grandson, have ever owned! But I'M the one with the problem.
Then there's the matter of time for myself. I don't have very much. If I'm not at work, I'm driving kids to all the places they need to go, or taking them to appointments that they won't go to if I don't take them, or I'm attending one of their functions. If I want to do something to unwind at the end of the day, the time has to come out of my sleep time. I'm a "night person" so no matter how exhausted I am, by 10 pm I'm awake and raring to go. I have to force myself (and take Ambien) to go to bed by 2am so I can get up and drive the 1.25 hours it takes me to get to work every day.
At work I go out of my way to do everything I can to make everyone else's job easier. I always go the extra mile and put in extra time--nope, don't get paid overtime, do it for free. It's just the way I am. But I find myself feeling resentful at the end of the day when I'm still here and everyone else has gone like "bats out of hell". I know it's my own choice, but I wonder why I seem to be the only one who wants to do an excellent job.
Oh well, there is a lot more I want to say, but it's late and I'm tired. I'm still here at work at 1 am because I never get a chance to use the computer at home and it's too tedious to make journal entries on my Blackberry Pearl. I worked until midnight and thought I'd take some time to myself, but now I have to drive all the way home in the rain. My son texted me an hour ago to tell me to be careful because a lot of roads are flooded, which means I'll probably get lost (I'm seriously directionally challenged) because the river that I have to cross will probably have the road closed.
Oh well, I do it to myself......
Replies