All is Well

I felt the need to write this as I was just talking to my husband.  Yesterday when I came home I found my husband and his Mom to be talking again.  I so wished I had heard the conversation that went on while I was at work, but I did not.  I could look for clues or manipulation or anything that would give me a hint that this woman was sorry for the silent treatment that she gave her son all week.  Pat said she did not apologize.  Pat is a happy man right now, but hmmm I am not.  I know why I am not, because i truly believe this will happen again. My husband told me this morning my mother in law misses me talking about what went on at work.  She misses watching DVD with me (chick flicks).  In my husband saying this i had this sick feeling, literally in my stomach.I told my husband I am not where he is as far as every thing being okay. I said I feel still somewhat angry that it took 1 week for her to talk and make things right.  He said he did not want to hear it.  I would think he would have been happier had I said, Oh I am so glad all is well.  I do not feel that way.  Things have never been "well" here.  These behaviors have been going on as long as I have lived here.  Nothing has changed.  I have changed but nothing else has changed.  Here is a woman who told me to shut up the other day, and Pat would love for me to do things with her.  I will not be false.  I don't like her behaviors and will not do the things I know Pat would like me to do with her.  This is his mother, not mine.  I cannot do things with people I find hard to be with.  I would have years ago, but not today.  I had promised myself and Little Jeanette that if there are people in life who are negative, manipulative and meanspirited, I will not befriend them, no will I be buddies with them.  I have been hurt way too much in my past to want to be with people who are false, and not very nice.   If I had seen a behavior that caused me to think she would be different from this day forward, I think I would have relented, but again, nothing has changed, her behavior has not changed.  It is constant. Not sure what the hold this woman has on my husband, maybe because it is his mom and he does want to make things alright so he does not have to be in the place he was all week, depressed, but............I know he probably did not confront her as I would have.  I would have said, you know Mom you create so much tension here and I hate it.  I would have told her she has never said I am sorry for my actions.  As long as she is not called on specific behavior, she will in fact to this again.  Guess I am not as forgiving and I do not feel bad about saying that.  hell I am still working on forgiving my abusers, and I see Mom as an abusive person.  Thus I will not be the kind and caring person I want to be with her.  I will put up a wall of safety for me and Little Jeanette.   I know what happens with me.  I am kind and caring and then get dumped on like telling me to shut up during a conversation the other day when Pat and MOm were discussing an issue. So now I guess I am expected to think, all is okay and I am okay with their making up.  Pat talked to me the whole week about what he is feeling, I empathized with him, but now since I am not as "happy" as he is, he does not want to hear it.  HMMMMMGuess that hurt, no it did hurt but that is what my husband and mother in law does, Shut down. Shut down on their feelings as well as not wanting to hear others feelings.  I will get over his attitude because I know there is something so much deeper in Pat that creates this power his mom has over him.  Have not figured that one out, but it will reveal itself in time.I know that being abused for 23 years in the foster home and healing from that significantly I am not at a place of going back into the pain with my mother in law.  I don't have it in me to be the loving and kind person I have been.  The well once again is dry.  I thought it was dry a while ago, but as long as mom was being nice, I found myself wanting to do things for her.  This past week really made me look at her and see reality.  The reality is that she is not kind, not caring, but creates a whole lotta tension and then acts as tho it is all over.  As I am writing this I am feeling a great sadness that this house has become a place that is not safe for me. And I know it is not the house itself, it is my MOTHER IN LAW who is not safe to be with and hang out with.  So looks like I will stay away.  I will be courteous, and amicable, but that is as far as I will be in my behavior.  The hurt is deep regarding this woman, I am not that person who will forgive as easily.  She has hurt everyone in some way in this household for the last 5 years. When you hurt my family you also hurt me.  I love my husband and son, but they do not see what I see because maybe reading all the books on dysfunctional familes has made me see clearly the roles each of us has played.  I was the scapegoat, Sean was a scapegoat, and Pat, well still have not figured out what his role is here, maybe a surogate husband.  Yep, thisdoes make me sick to my stomach.  Any feedback would be welcomed.  Can anyone see something I am not seeing? 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Because I am not there and do not see the whole picture, I can\'t really give you any more feedback other than I do think, from what you have written, that Pat wanted peace with his mother for the moment more than he was willing to get the problem solved. Mothers DO have a hold over their children, no matter how good or bad they are. Sad in some cases, dangerous in others, but true.
What I can say without a doubt is that I am proud of you for creating and defending the boundaries that you have set up, and ever so proud of you that you are able to be true to thine own self. I know how hard it is to stick to your guns, but unless there is an honest effort from your MIL to figure out what the problem is and then to change her ways, I believe you are doing what is best for you and are taking good care of Little Jeannette and yourself. No matter what happens, that takes precedence over all, IMO.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Seeing people as they really are is both a gift and a curse. For us who are healing the little folks inside us, our tolerance for games is very low. Sounds like you are in the classic rock and hard space. I do know what you mean about holding back good deeds for others when they are not appreciative or deserved; yet you are doing that with class and dignity. It is difficult to accept that even though we change our behaviors, hoping others will follow suit, it doesn\'t always work out that way.
Keep writing and discovering. Safety, both physically and emotionally, are huge for us. It is all about you and yours needs at this point. Take care of yourself.
jeanette474
jeanette474

Thank you both for your support. As the day went on I realized that I was angry at my husband even more than my mother in law. He discounted me by saying he did not want to hear what I had to say. Only after processing my feelings while at work did I finally realize just what I was sad about. This whole week I was empathetic and supportive of what my husband was feeling, as I have felt those same feelings of not being appreciated. For him to say this morning \"I don\'t want to hear it\" was for Little Jeanette a low blow. The sadness of feeling invisible as a child, that my feelings were not asked about, nor did I feel as a child that my feelings mattered was what really going on with me. And Pat triggered all that I felt as a child.

I love when the answers are revealed to me. As I do not walk away from my feelings and sit in them I now have the where with all to process until I feel what I have processed is right and the truth for me. Not sure what I will do with this awareness but I know my truth, and therefore can just be with my husbands comment. I stand tall and know that all of this will be just another lesson to learn and growth
deleted_user
deleted_user

I cannot tell you again how sorry I am for you I honestly think that woman needs a wake up call from her son not you ..... as I said before I am in the very situation you are Jeanette only I am the mil and the daughter in law is horrid to me just horrid I have gone above and beyond for her and nobody should take the verbal abuse that I have taken from her she is just downright bitter and mean and so is your mil .... these types of personalities for some reason get a hold of someone with a good heart and giving soul and suck the life out of them .... I do not know what your husband is like but my son is very loving and giving and he would take alot of heartache from her before he would bad mouth her ..... I unfortunately am the same way but after five lonnnnggg years of hearing over and over the name calling and horrid cursing in front of such young children as in my grandchildren it is just not right ...... I ask that you quit turning the other cheek as she wants this badly it is power to her and she always has to feel in her mind that she has won for some sad reason ....... stand up to her and let her know that she is not to abuse you ever again .... Jeanette you did not ask for this and you most certainly dont deserve this ...... I know it is hard to do as I have my moments as my heart breaks for my son and my grandchildren but she doesnt deserve my love anymore as she not only rejects it she abuses it .... it is a lesson but some lessons shouldnt have to take so long wow five years I know I should be CEO of verbal abuse now lol xo take care will keep prayers going for you xo