all dusted off
I am feeling good. Picked myself up, dusted off and got on with it. I got a lot of work bids finished and sent out today. Work is moving. I have so much fear connected to my financial security. But I pushed and got it going again. I do not even realize how that taints my whole view subconsciously. I feel like I am all by myself, doing it all. I guess that is because I kind of am. I do have Brian now , but I have let go of my best friend of 3 years and I feel a void.I am dealing w this stuff in therapy and I would set a boundry and consistantly would cross it . I felt on a daily basis, violated. He did not hear how important that it was for me when I asked him not to touch me. I have a hard time letting men touch me , or hug even as friends. I understand that this is my issue but it is also my right to have this respected when I ask. So generally, I had some things happen when I was a child and growing up. Then as a young gay man I learned that all I had to offer and my self worth came from sexual attention.I put myself in many situations that I let myself be violated and hurt. Yes that was a long time ago but in therapy this stuff that I thought I so neatly put away came back. I always knew it was there but I felt very numb to it all.Well not anymore. I grew up that boys do not cry and I did not for many years.After I decided that it was normal it was too late it just did not happen.It does now .Maybe that is the way to let go. Natural release, then move on.In my relationship I have been able to be affectionate. About time after many years of pushing to grow and therapy . Humbling that this stuff is just coming to a head and that yes I was really "F"ed up. I do not want to dwell on the hurt and anger. I really feel that I have forgiven these people years ago. I was thinking the other day, "God Eric you are such a victim in your head." True that is so who I do not want to be, If I look at my adult life I am not a victim. I have chosen to walk into the fear to many times to learn and grow. I grew up in a town of 400 and had never been out of my state until I was 18. I have made many moves to major cities in my adult life. I have faced many of my own monsters . Pulled myself out of the gutter and sobered up. Started my own business. Ran a marathon and countless half marathons. Carried 12 step meetings to prison for 3 years and state hospitals. I am not an "F"ing victim and I need to find this side again AND KEEP IT!!!
Replies
Yeah it\'s hard being a gay man. A huge emphasis is put on sex and you are told or given the impression that if you get into a relationship and don\'t have sex, then you are going to be abandoned. I had a couple of situations where molestation took place in high school. Later while coping with things by using drugs and alcohol, I too had situations where hurt and violations took place. When you factor in emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse, that makes the sex and intimate things harder. I am glad you have not chosen to dwell on it, that shows you are a strong person.
I\'m proud of you both for addressing this. All people, of every orientation, culture, race, class, and lifestyle, have the right to healthy, supportive, nonviolent, and joyful love lives. I hope you will both continue to advocate for that.
I found when my condition gripped me with its hand it took me into hell.I have so fought to get myself to where I am now and still have alot to work on.Your journal is so honest and moving but people reading it gives such inspiration that you can overcome things.Like what you say to be angry is not good and to let go thankyou cire for sharing this its probably helps you but it will help others alot