Alcohol wins

my son said this to me the other day and it answers so many questions.  But I feel so sad at this time. It was a great summer. Hubby found a new therapist who seemed a good fit for him. He started on Wellbutrin which stabilized his mood and diminished his alcohol cravings, and offered me a glimmer of hope and a chance to relax. But I was wrong! History has shown that as soon as I relax a bit he seems to feel he can start up again and I won't notice. And this is exactly what happened AGAIN.

he started up, as far as I can tell, about three weeks ago. With an escalation in aggressiveness and threats of violence. Progression of disease I'm sure. What makes me so sad is the alcoholics inability to see through eyes of reality. With no notion that their actions, threats, anger, irresponsibility, are so very painful to the one who loves him the most.

in these last three weeks we have had three crazy confrontations because I dared to accuse him of drinking, or asked him to get back on track, or the worst thing ever- have the nerve to be angry!!!!!

im being punished now because I called my grown son to come over to diffuse a very angry situation-I was afraid. I'm sad because he has no thought for anyone but himself. Did he think I called my son for drama? I NEVER involve my children. And although he is back to performing some of the household tasks,he is being a nasty prick. It's sad. Now, I'm not so sure my feelings are all that hurt by this childish addict behavior. I'm well educated about codependency, been through therapy and 12 step. I just relaxed is all. Pulled out all my books and notes and did a refresher course.

If he thinks he can manipulate me now he has a surprise coming !!!! I'm pretty good  at detachment. I have created a new life for myself before. We are moving to a 55 and over condo community in a few weeks, does he not realize why I insisted on this type of set up ? My meditation group will welcome me back with great love. I've already found a yoga studio nearby. Book clubs, knitting clubs. .....I've decided not to retire just yet. Money gets hidden. He will notice when I don't engage. He will up the ante.... with no one to play with he cannot win the game. He can, however continue to drink, I will ignore it. If I leave him to it he is happy.

it is sad that alcohol wins, but honestly sadder for him than for me. I am 61 years old pretty healthy and active with a full and satisfying social life and wonderfully supportive friends. I'm not looking for romance.

he, on the other hand, is a 64 year old man with many health issues and is non compliant in all treatment plans unless it involves pain medications. He is angry, judgmental, and isolated. These are his choices. I cannot help him. It is sad that when someone chooses alcohol above all else, they find themselves emotionally alone.i am no longer in love with this man. I will be kind I try to be kind to everyone all the time. ( just called and asked me to pick up a sandwich on the way home) he requested this not as a favor but as an order!!!! I will get it anyway just to keep things peaceful and not because I'm afraid or trying to get back into his good graces. Also because it is a great sandwich shop and I won't need to cook.

and so in the end, neither my husband, who under all the shit, is kind and funny and thoughtful..... or myself who has tried to stick with him and love him ...... we lose 

alcohol wins.