Ahhhrrgggg

Man!!! I'm getting fatter and fatter - I weighed myself today and in only a half a week or so i've gone from 55.2 to 56.9 ... oops and fucksies. All this crap i've been downing has it's affect and of course i can't expect it not to. I keep eating all this food to make myself feel better but it just makes me feel worse!I feel like a sloth and a glutton and I feel a bit trapped. I know i tend to try to go to extremes and it's totally the night times that catch me out... that and my stupid mentality. Anyway, I've got the day off - I've taken work off because I have the flu thats affected my voice.. which is a big thing for me because I try to do something even though I'm sick or sad or whatever. And having a new fill in vocal teacher seems a little worrying because there's the concern that they'll take over my shifts and all.. but i suppose its a good thing. anyway i'll try to not think about food - my personal / internal world really needs to pick up! OK SO I NEED TO BE ACTIVE IN THIS! I know i've hit a rut, and i hear myself saying it - I'm not getting to uni as often because the nature of my course this semester and then I'm not getting to church because I can't find one i'm happy with and then I wonder if i'm being too fussy!After eating all this crap today non stop then i'm thinking that's it.. i'm going out to get my hair done soon today and i'm going to start a diet - and i'm not going to have the typical attitude of i'll start tommorrow... i'm going to not eat a heavy laden carb thing for the rest of the day! I've already had like 4 days worth of food a nd it's only after lunch.I'm also going to call up and book into a counsellor again because I can get it free for a student and i'm going to go to the local church and stuff it - if i dont like it that much i'll at least give it a shot for a few times in a row and focus on the important part... GOD. I'll also go early in tthe morning service, save seeing people that i used to know (bad history) and save worrying about having to socialise in that really pyramid busieness fake like climate. But I know theres heaps of youth there so it gives me a chance ot meet someone.. and be encouraged. I know i was going to grow my hair and that was a big thing for me having shaved it off and all, but I also know that it will make me feel so much better about myself to do something with how I look - and short hair is so much easier to make look good fast -and that's typical me! I'll also have someone else do it and do it well I hope - now i've scouted an apparently good stylist. I at least am going to determine in my mind to keep it as my natural colour and so it will be unlike straw for a chance and if I want in the future I'll get a streak i figure!I also know that the tony ferguson diet worked for me so I'm thinking i'm going to try less extreme and just try and do this.. I might even see if I can do a weigh in as a deal with my friend.... i need so so so much motivation! from external sources not from internal because evidently that's not working!arghhghg i'm trying, there is