Ahhhhh!! This place.

  Feeling not bad today. Got up about 5am, had a couple of coffee's and read the news. Then back to bed until 10am. Seems so hard getting any motivation. It really feels bad at times. I feel like sometimes I just want to explode. Life now just seems like," another day, oh well." Nothing exciting, and nothing to look forward to. At times a thought will cross my mind that I wish I could have a couple of beers just to take a break. That's not going to happen because I know where that goes. I even feel like I need a break sometimes from recovery

   I even feel like I need a break sometimes from recovery. I really feel that I just want to get away from this place. Most of the guys don't give a shit about recovery. Some are avoiding jail by being here, some it's better than the shelters. I'm the only one going to meetings it seems right now.

    I feel very lonely most of the time, and negative thoughts, or perhaps it's reality seeping back in, start making me think, " Is this all there is to being sober." I try not to believe that, and I know that I can change, but it just feels like I'm stuck for now. I try practicing the things I learn from recovery such as gratitude, praying, doing for others, but at times I start wondering, "what the hell am I doing." 

   A lot of the time I get that feeling of being the oddball here. Most of the guys are from the streets and have that mentality. I know some think funny about me because I keep a distance, and do my own thing. I don't join in on the talk about dope, or what this guy or that guy's doing, or the immature shit about a woman. Yes, I do think I'm better than that. I did it before when I was younger, and I experienced bad consequences of people doing it to me, and I do not like it. I don't think I'm better than others tho. At times I'll start cleaning things that they just would never even think about. It's not trying to show I'm better. I just think that it's far better to be a " good person," and make the effort to improve the environment. To set an example of the good things I've been taught in my life. But street people really have no use for that way whatsoever. They couldn't give a rats ass about anything unless there's something in it for them. It's almost impossible for them to do something just because it should be done. The washrooms are a perfect example. They will let the dirt pile up, let shit stay in the toilet bowl, not wipe anything, and just let it keep going. It's really sad. I've been cleaning our washroom every day since I got here because I don't like living that way. I like things nice. I've come to learn that your environment plays a big role in how you feel. At least with me it sure does.

   At times I'll start cleaning things that they just would never even think about. It's not trying to show I'm better. I just think that it's part of trying to be a " good person," and make the effort to improve the environment. To set an example of the good things I've been taught in my life. But street people really have no use for that way whatsoever, and a lot will get jealouse. In prison I even got into fight because of keeping things clean. Guys would just be looking for anything to start a fight over. They couldn't give a rats ass about anything unless there's something in it for them. It's almost impossible for them to do something just because it should be done. The washrooms are a perfect example. They will let the dirt pile up, let shit stay in the toilet bowl, not wipe anything, and just let it keep going. It's really sad. I've been cleaning our washroom every day since I got here because I don't like living that way. I like things nice. I've come to learn that your environment plays a big role in how you feel. At least with me it sure does.

    They couldn't give a rats ass about anything unless there's something in it for them. It's almost impossible for them to do something just because it should be done. The washrooms are a perfect example. They will let the dirt pile up, let shit stay in the toilet bowl, not wipe anything, and just let it keep going. It's really sad. I've been cleaning our washroom every day since I got here because I don't like living that way. I like things nice. I've come to learn that your environment plays a big role in how you feel. At least with me it sure does.

   At times I'll start cleaning things that they just would never even think about. It's not trying to show I'm better. I just think that it's far better to be a " good person," and make the effort to improve the environment. To set an example of the good things I've been taught in my life. But street people really have no use for that way whatsoever. They couldn't give a rats ass about anything unless there's something in it for them. It's almost impossible for them to do something just for the sake of doing it. The washrooms are a perfect example. They will let the dirt pile up, let shit stay in the toilet bowl, not wipe anything, and just let it pile up. It's really sad. I've been cleaning our washroom every day since I got here because I don't like living that way. I refuse to. I like things nice. I've come to learn that your environment plays a big role in how you feel. At least with me it sure does.

   Anyway, enough bitching. I do feel a bit better just venting it here on my journal. It's really good having that. Sometimes it's just good to have some time alone to get those thoughts out.

   Thank you, Lord, for another day to do your will, and not my own. Please give me the strength to do that, and to stay sober. Thanks