Ahh...the Is-ness of Life
I received this letter from my S-I-L two days ago. First I was filled with anxiety; but this morning, Spirit led me to reciprocate. It feels right in my heart, so I am sending it. I don't know where all of this is going, but my only prayer for me right now is to ask "I don't know how to trust this process. How to I trust this process? Show me how. Thank-you!"
My daughter's lifetime best friend text me yesterday and wanted to know if I wanted to help with Erin's baby shower. I prayed about it and it just doesn't feel right at this moment. Being I haven't seen my daughter, I don't feel like it would be good timing to see her around a bunch of people because knowing me, soon as I see her, I would sob. I have not seen her pregnant belly and to see it the first time amongst people (and our not talking) as I said, doesn't feel right. Too many emotions. That being said, I told her friend I didn't feel comfortable doing the shower with her. Ahhhh....the Is-ness of Life.
The letter....
Good afternoon!
Not sure how to even start this out... But, I was wanting to see what it would take , what I could do, etc.. To have you be apart of the babies life, Erin's life and out life as a family? I have always said I wish that my mother was here and I couldn't imagine not having a relationship with her. I know you and Erin have your own struggles, but I would like to see what it would take to help out, put our differences aside.
I do not have a great relationship with my own family, as they do not live a life that is conducive to our relationship or our path. It is our loss, but we both have become very protective of our faith, relationship and family.
I know time has passed and I have not always been a huge help in the relationship department with you and Erin and for that I apologize.
Again, Not sure where to even begin, but we are at 28 weeks and he (Roman James Roesch) will be here soon... It would really mean a great deal to us to have a grandparent in this lil guys life and to have you in our life. We have moved and live only about 3 miles away.I know you & Erin have tried to talk, but I think if we had boundaries this could be start... I may just be talking, but I wanted to try at least!!Don't feel you have to reply, I just wanted to reach out..Thank youT.C.
T.C.
Thank-you for taking the time to write and express yourself. Now, from my heart and my personal little t truth, I will do the best to express myself.
When I read your letter (which I have over and over and over), the feeling the comes to me is dis-trust. My mind wandered back to the couple of times you expressed
the same thing as you said in the letter, but when I would see you, the actions would not coincide with what you had said. I have no idea why after you and Erin were married,
I was not spoken to, nor made feel welcome and I have stopped trying to figure that out thru the years. but it did give me the opportunity to come clean with myself and look at the way I did
same thing to Dale’s parents and his siblings as soon as we were married. I was so nice to them when we were dating and after we married, I treated them badly by not speaking, ignoring them, and didn’t want them in
his life. What changed? Why did I do that? Over the years, through self-awareness and meditation and prayer I come to find out I did that because I was so envious/jealous to think
that he was loved! What a concept. Never being loved, I had no idea what the looked like. I was so very insecure, I wanted all his attention (which would never be enough) and I did NOT want him giving it to anyone else. I was so
jealous of Roger and Eileen because they seemed to be so happy. I would think in my mind “oh, they
are so phony!” I can’t stand them. Well, there came a day when my self-hatred
was so apparent to me and I was blessed by the awareness “it wasn’t about ‘them’, it was about me. Wow, what a concept; I was the biggest PHONY of all. I would act so nice in their presence and when
Dale and I got alone, boy would he get it. I didn’t know what love was, but I do know that was not it. I feel I am blessed to be aware of this as thru this awareness and forgiveness/self-forgiveness I was able
to become good friends with my ex-mother-in-law and Roger and Eileen.
So, back to your letter. I am working on trusting the process of my life and want to trust what you say, but I am not there yet. My prayer is “I am asking for the blocks I have with dis-trust to come
tumbling down so I can trust God is in all of this and open my heart to another level.”
Our situation has taught me so much. In my humanness, I see you as being phony and manipulating; but I cannot see something in someone else if I did not have it in me. It has made me look inside and see ALL THE WAYS
I WAS A PHONY ALL MY LIFE and a MANIPULATOR. Ouch! In owning this in myself and letting myself off the hook because I didn’t know any better and did this from a place of fear; it then in turns allows me to let others off the hook. So, in a way,I thank-you for showing me what I needed to look at and own in myself! It’s actually been a gift.
I have no idea where things are going to go with all of this; but I am willing to trust there is something much Bigger going on. Through our separation, I continue to peel the onion of my own self-hatred, my dis-honesty, the lies I tell myself, the manipulation I do at times, and most of all JUDGMENTS OF OTHERS so that I may be aware of God’s Hand working in it all. So, I leave it at that.
As far as Roman James, I talk to him every day and tell him he is loved before he is born. As far as Erin, I do the same. I go to her picture and talk to her every day; so you see, she is really not apart from me because I hold her in my heart.
I bless you, your family and myself and my family (I love my children like you love yours) as we all seek to find our way Home!
Love and Blessings,
Vicki
My daughter's lifetime best friend text me yesterday and wanted to know if I wanted to help with Erin's baby shower. I prayed about it and it just doesn't feel right at this moment. Being I haven't seen my daughter, I don't feel like it would be good timing to see her around a bunch of people because knowing me, soon as I see her, I would sob. I have not seen her pregnant belly and to see it the first time amongst people (and our not talking) as I said, doesn't feel right. Too many emotions. That being said, I told her friend I didn't feel comfortable doing the shower with her. Ahhhh....the Is-ness of Life.
The letter....
Good afternoon!
Not sure how to even start this out... But, I was wanting to see what it would take , what I could do, etc.. To have you be apart of the babies life, Erin's life and out life as a family? I have always said I wish that my mother was here and I couldn't imagine not having a relationship with her. I know you and Erin have your own struggles, but I would like to see what it would take to help out, put our differences aside.
I do not have a great relationship with my own family, as they do not live a life that is conducive to our relationship or our path. It is our loss, but we both have become very protective of our faith, relationship and family.
I know time has passed and I have not always been a huge help in the relationship department with you and Erin and for that I apologize.
Again, Not sure where to even begin, but we are at 28 weeks and he (Roman James Roesch) will be here soon... It would really mean a great deal to us to have a grandparent in this lil guys life and to have you in our life. We have moved and live only about 3 miles away.I know you & Erin have tried to talk, but I think if we had boundaries this could be start... I may just be talking, but I wanted to try at least!!Don't feel you have to reply, I just wanted to reach out..Thank youT.C.
T.C.
Thank-you for taking the time to write and express yourself. Now, from my heart and my personal little t truth, I will do the best to express myself.
When I read your letter (which I have over and over and over), the feeling the comes to me is dis-trust. My mind wandered back to the couple of times you expressed
the same thing as you said in the letter, but when I would see you, the actions would not coincide with what you had said. I have no idea why after you and Erin were married,
I was not spoken to, nor made feel welcome and I have stopped trying to figure that out thru the years. but it did give me the opportunity to come clean with myself and look at the way I did
same thing to Dale’s parents and his siblings as soon as we were married. I was so nice to them when we were dating and after we married, I treated them badly by not speaking, ignoring them, and didn’t want them in
his life. What changed? Why did I do that? Over the years, through self-awareness and meditation and prayer I come to find out I did that because I was so envious/jealous to think
that he was loved! What a concept. Never being loved, I had no idea what the looked like. I was so very insecure, I wanted all his attention (which would never be enough) and I did NOT want him giving it to anyone else. I was so
jealous of Roger and Eileen because they seemed to be so happy. I would think in my mind “oh, they
are so phony!” I can’t stand them. Well, there came a day when my self-hatred
was so apparent to me and I was blessed by the awareness “it wasn’t about ‘them’, it was about me. Wow, what a concept; I was the biggest PHONY of all. I would act so nice in their presence and when
Dale and I got alone, boy would he get it. I didn’t know what love was, but I do know that was not it. I feel I am blessed to be aware of this as thru this awareness and forgiveness/self-forgiveness I was able
to become good friends with my ex-mother-in-law and Roger and Eileen.
So, back to your letter. I am working on trusting the process of my life and want to trust what you say, but I am not there yet. My prayer is “I am asking for the blocks I have with dis-trust to come
tumbling down so I can trust God is in all of this and open my heart to another level.”
Our situation has taught me so much. In my humanness, I see you as being phony and manipulating; but I cannot see something in someone else if I did not have it in me. It has made me look inside and see ALL THE WAYS
I WAS A PHONY ALL MY LIFE and a MANIPULATOR. Ouch! In owning this in myself and letting myself off the hook because I didn’t know any better and did this from a place of fear; it then in turns allows me to let others off the hook. So, in a way,I thank-you for showing me what I needed to look at and own in myself! It’s actually been a gift.
I have no idea where things are going to go with all of this; but I am willing to trust there is something much Bigger going on. Through our separation, I continue to peel the onion of my own self-hatred, my dis-honesty, the lies I tell myself, the manipulation I do at times, and most of all JUDGMENTS OF OTHERS so that I may be aware of God’s Hand working in it all. So, I leave it at that.
As far as Roman James, I talk to him every day and tell him he is loved before he is born. As far as Erin, I do the same. I go to her picture and talk to her every day; so you see, she is really not apart from me because I hold her in my heart.
I bless you, your family and myself and my family (I love my children like you love yours) as we all seek to find our way Home!
Love and Blessings,
Vicki
Replies
Mannnnnn...., there\'s a BUNCH of stuff in here! And, \"cutting to the chase\", if you\'re not ready, you\'re not ready. Simple. I see a lot of confusing and conflicting emotions in this post, that need to be sorted out: intent, desire, sadness, control, obligations, loss, love, withdrawal...it goes on & on (in my interpretation of what I read). Respect for your daughter\'s choice seems to be the real conflict, going against what \"you want: to be able to share your Love\", to not have \"Your Love rejected, not important, not good enough, not valued\". Very painful.
Then again, I could be wrong, IDK. How can we help? Or do you need help? is probably a better question. The \"Push-Pull\" conflict is definitely testing, for me. I guess \"Letting Go\", for the moment, is good enough for now. Who knows what to future good will yet be?
XXXOOO
I have great respect for my daughters choice; my daughter\'s choice was to have no communication with me. Along with that, yes there has been sadness, loss, letting go of control and honouring her wishes, etc. This was really not about my daughter; I wanted T.C. to understand I was not at a place where I was willing to trust him. And to understand, how I did the same thing he did to me. I feel good about the letter and I feel good about not helping with the shower as I don\'t think it would be an appropriate time to see my daughter for the first time since her cutting off ties with me. My daughter has the freedom to be where she is; I think it is she who feels she cannot be with both of us (myself and her husband). She has set that in motion and I think that is her lesson; but I don\'t know that for sure. Sometimes I think she lets him be the way he is toward me because she would really like to be that way with me. Down deep she has a lot of anger at me; wish she would share it.
As far as not being ready to see my S-I-L yet, I feel I am not quite ready to deal if another \'rejection\' if that should happen. I need to work on that because even though it would be about him, it still hurts. So...we will see. Thanks for the input Rich. xo
I agree that there is a lot of emotions here...and also a lot of faith.
I think it is such a huge step that your son in law understands Erin and the baby are going to need you...that Erin and he will not be enough...and that he\'s thinking about his wife\'s needs before the baby arrives.
Even if he is not an honest person...he reached out to you...he didn\'t have to. Also, as a complete outsider reading the letters, I observe he did not insult you...but perhaps when he reads your letter he might feel very defensive. It\'s just worth considering this but I know you know him and I don\'t. My eldest sister sends me texts that appear very normal to other people but I know are \'loaded\' so it\'s important to trust your own judgment here.
I would also share that I know you are really hurting. When I\'m hurting I do things that hurt myself even more. If you can\'t attend the shower can you send a gift or card to be given to your daughter during the shower so that she knows you were thinking of her? How wonderful that this friend reached out to you! I understand your choices...but be careful to keep your heart open... The universe and people around you are setting the steps for you and your daughter to reunite...it may be time for you to prepare!
Love you Vicki. I know there\'s so much history here and you need to do it your way...you\'ve had to stay strong for a while now and I will light a candle for you and hold you and Erin in the light xxxxxx
This came from my heart and if he gets defensive, I can\'t help that. T.C. has been this way to me for 10yrs. and it has to be looked at if things are going to heal; in my opinion. That is not pointing fingers, I am sure they both have things about me they don\'t like and I am open to hearing them. I have reached a point in my life where I am no longer going to walk on egg shells to have a relationship. I\'m just not. I told them I am willing to go to counselling with them and they said no.
As I explained in the letter, I do not trust his reaching out as he has done this to me three times and in a few weeks it was as if I didn\'t exist. When he cheated the first time he came to me bawling, asking for forgiveness and said It was his fault the way Erin treated me; it was not her fault. I looked at him, took his face and said \"it\'s ok; and hugged him.\" The next week I went to his my granddaughters ballgame and he would not look or speak to me. Last Christmas I got the same kind of letter; same situation, not talking to each other. The letter said, \"Erin is missing you and she would really like you to come Christmas; she needs her Mom. So, I went. And guess what...he would not look at me or speak. This has happened over and over and over. I am no longer willing to put myself in this position. Again, if they want to go to a therapist, I am open and willing.
I am going to help monetarily with the shower and I will send a beautiful letter to Roman James and my daughter. I am not mad, I\'m done with this pattern. Of course I miss my daughter; but I give her the freedom to be where she is. But I give myself the freedom to speak from my heart.
And please remember....Erin is the one who cut off the communication with me. If she wants to do something about this, maybe she should be the one to write/call. Maybe she doesn\'t want me around. I don\'t mean that mean; maybe she isn\'t ready.
xo
Thank-you Rosie! I will graciously receive that lit candle!
He certainly sounds \'toxic\' this son in law. Well done to you choosing the best way to deal with him! He sounds very complicated. Hugs xxx
It\'s not just me Rosie..my old neighbour (where Erin and T.C. met) told me after they had many altercations and finally ended their friendship...\" Mark my words, T.C. will cheat on Erin, he will take her from you and he will have nothing to do with you.\" This last time T.C. cheated and Erin was devastated, I told her that; I had never told her that before. She said \"that doesn\'t surprise me. She also talked about him being a narcissus; had me pull it up on my computer more than once. She talked about how something was terribly wrong with him, etc. He is a body builder and I am sure he does steroids. Anyway, sharing all of this, crying on my shoulder every day, six weeks later she is re-married. I am wiping my hands Rosie. Not because I don\'t love her, but to be free myself. She will find her way; whatever way that is.
I just decided to be as honest as I could; without malice. In doing that, I had to say \"I wasn\'t sure I could trust his intentions.\"
Spirit wrote that letter, not me. It took me a total of 2 minutes. I knew it was right when that happened.
Love ya Rosie girl! xo
Vicki,
That happens to me, too. When something gets written in minutes I know it\'s not me. When I write I go back and change words and sentences, etc., etc. I\'m very aware of the difference.
Trust yourself. I agree with you that if Erin wanted to connect again she\'d be the one writing or calling, not the SIL. You say SIL has done this before. Was there anything different about this time? No matter. I just repeat, if Erin wanted connection she would initiate it.
Takes courage to give and to take freedom. And even more courage to speak from the heart. I\'m struggling with that right now. Part of my fear is that if I do risk it I\'ll not be heard. And not being heard feels like abandonment to me...More shadows from my childhood.
It also feels like me abandoning myself when I lose touch with my feelings. But, the time I\'m referring to was time when I had no idea of the abuse or of who I was. I was an empty shell letting others fill me with their judgments, beliefs, and dysfunctional actions.
But, I am glad to read your post from the heart because it gives me great hope that I too, will connect to my own heart and speak my own truth...and some will hear me and some will not. But, it will make no difference for my truth will stand, no matter what.
xx
Wow.
I\'m quite familiar with the story of your SIL. My first reaction to his letter was the same as Rosie\'s though. I thought, wow there is an effort being made here. And I assumed you would respond in kind. As I read further, I was reminded of my own situation with family and DH\'s family... The patterns, the way we get drawn back into it all... The toxicity of it all... The heartbreak of it...
I understand and respect your desire to stand firm. I will say this though, I am
am never fully convinced when you bravely say that it\'s \"all ok\", and I keep thinking you might be trying to convince yourself it is. What makes me say this is because I am quite familiar with this kind of pain, and while you can lead a happy and fulfilled life, this pain and this kind of situation is never \"ok\". Not with me it isn\'t. Pardon me if I speak out of turn and it truly is different with you, just sharing my knees jerk guy reaction here. Love and hugs
Gut reaction.
When I say it\'s ok, I am saying \"I am making it all ok!\" The tears, the grief, the awareness, the experience, the loss, the Divine Intelligence working, the whole situation!\" I will not judge myself for any of my feelings and that\'s what I mean when I say \"it\'s all ok!\" I even make it ok, not to be ok. I am meeting life where it is; warts and all! And I am working on embracing the Is-ness without labelling it good or bad. It just IS...and that\'s ok.