Aftershocks
Moving. I've sold our family home. And am now going through all the memories of our time together in this house.
It's tough. I feel like I'm experiencing Aftershocks of the Earthquake of David's passing 15 (almost 16) months ago.
I did not expect to feel this way. I had gone through his papers and things in his desk in the weeks and months after he died. Then locked them away. Now, I need to purge - I cannot take all his dear little notes on "our retirement", "our financial planning", "how to fix the laundry tub or the squeaky door" or any of the old files. or bank statements. I found an invoice for some stonework we had done on the house back in 1997. I found the receipt for the new furnace we had installed in 2000. I need to let go of these things. I will need to clean out the rest of his clothes (but I will keep some things).
I cleaned out the garage. A lot of his old tools had already gone the summer of 2010, when I was in a frenzy, a grief-filled panic to clear out the house. I found an old bicycle repair kit, various wrenches, sandpaper, wood glue, zillions of screws, nails, rolls of tape - all gone in the garbage. I kept two of his tool boxes and filled them with screwdrivers and a few odds and ends in case I need something.
But it is constant. I look at our home now and it's not the same. Last year I had it repainted and some of the furniture given away. It looked different then, but now with boxes all around, the bookshelves over the fire place empty and his den almost totally cleaned out, it looks like a different house.
A house for somebody new to move into. A house that does not belong to me or to "us" any more. It makes me sad.
And yet, I know it is time to move on.
Still, the grief tears at my heart. And being in autumn with the shortening daylight and oodles of leaves all over the lawn (David loved raking leaves), just brings me to my knees.
But - I will survive. And I know my dear friends here at DS understand.
It's tough. I feel like I'm experiencing Aftershocks of the Earthquake of David's passing 15 (almost 16) months ago.
I did not expect to feel this way. I had gone through his papers and things in his desk in the weeks and months after he died. Then locked them away. Now, I need to purge - I cannot take all his dear little notes on "our retirement", "our financial planning", "how to fix the laundry tub or the squeaky door" or any of the old files. or bank statements. I found an invoice for some stonework we had done on the house back in 1997. I found the receipt for the new furnace we had installed in 2000. I need to let go of these things. I will need to clean out the rest of his clothes (but I will keep some things).
I cleaned out the garage. A lot of his old tools had already gone the summer of 2010, when I was in a frenzy, a grief-filled panic to clear out the house. I found an old bicycle repair kit, various wrenches, sandpaper, wood glue, zillions of screws, nails, rolls of tape - all gone in the garbage. I kept two of his tool boxes and filled them with screwdrivers and a few odds and ends in case I need something.
But it is constant. I look at our home now and it's not the same. Last year I had it repainted and some of the furniture given away. It looked different then, but now with boxes all around, the bookshelves over the fire place empty and his den almost totally cleaned out, it looks like a different house.
A house for somebody new to move into. A house that does not belong to me or to "us" any more. It makes me sad.
And yet, I know it is time to move on.
Still, the grief tears at my heart. And being in autumn with the shortening daylight and oodles of leaves all over the lawn (David loved raking leaves), just brings me to my knees.
But - I will survive. And I know my dear friends here at DS understand.
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