Aftershocks
Moving. I've sold our family home. And am now going through all the memories of our time together in this house.
It's tough. I feel like I'm experiencing Aftershocks of the Earthquake of David's passing 15 (almost 16) months ago.
I did not expect to feel this way. I had gone through his papers and things in his desk in the weeks and months after he died. Then locked them away. Now, I need to purge - I cannot take all his dear little notes on "our retirement", "our financial planning", "how to fix the laundry tub or the squeaky door" or any of the old files. or bank statements. I found an invoice for some stonework we had done on the house back in 1997. I found the receipt for the new furnace we had installed in 2000. I need to let go of these things. I will need to clean out the rest of his clothes (but I will keep some things).
I cleaned out the garage. A lot of his old tools had already gone the summer of 2010, when I was in a frenzy, a grief-filled panic to clear out the house. I found an old bicycle repair kit, various wrenches, sandpaper, wood glue, zillions of screws, nails, rolls of tape - all gone in the garbage. I kept two of his tool boxes and filled them with screwdrivers and a few odds and ends in case I need something.
But it is constant. I look at our home now and it's not the same. Last year I had it repainted and some of the furniture given away. It looked different then, but now with boxes all around, the bookshelves over the fire place empty and his den almost totally cleaned out, it looks like a different house.
A house for somebody new to move into. A house that does not belong to me or to "us" any more. It makes me sad.
And yet, I know it is time to move on.
Still, the grief tears at my heart. And being in autumn with the shortening daylight and oodles of leaves all over the lawn (David loved raking leaves), just brings me to my knees.
But - I will survive. And I know my dear friends here at DS understand.
It's tough. I feel like I'm experiencing Aftershocks of the Earthquake of David's passing 15 (almost 16) months ago.
I did not expect to feel this way. I had gone through his papers and things in his desk in the weeks and months after he died. Then locked them away. Now, I need to purge - I cannot take all his dear little notes on "our retirement", "our financial planning", "how to fix the laundry tub or the squeaky door" or any of the old files. or bank statements. I found an invoice for some stonework we had done on the house back in 1997. I found the receipt for the new furnace we had installed in 2000. I need to let go of these things. I will need to clean out the rest of his clothes (but I will keep some things).
I cleaned out the garage. A lot of his old tools had already gone the summer of 2010, when I was in a frenzy, a grief-filled panic to clear out the house. I found an old bicycle repair kit, various wrenches, sandpaper, wood glue, zillions of screws, nails, rolls of tape - all gone in the garbage. I kept two of his tool boxes and filled them with screwdrivers and a few odds and ends in case I need something.
But it is constant. I look at our home now and it's not the same. Last year I had it repainted and some of the furniture given away. It looked different then, but now with boxes all around, the bookshelves over the fire place empty and his den almost totally cleaned out, it looks like a different house.
A house for somebody new to move into. A house that does not belong to me or to "us" any more. It makes me sad.
And yet, I know it is time to move on.
Still, the grief tears at my heart. And being in autumn with the shortening daylight and oodles of leaves all over the lawn (David loved raking leaves), just brings me to my knees.
But - I will survive. And I know my dear friends here at DS understand.
Replies
I understand your feelings. I have recently started cleaning out hunting items that haven\'t been touched since he passed and that sure brings up lots of emotions. I know it would even more if it were the house. Hugs to you.
Rhonda
Going through this is so hard but one more step forward. I wish you peace and understand what you are feeling, know we are here for you my friend, hugs Lu Ann
Sorry with DS being partially \"down\" I missed your post. I know it must be gut-wrenching to make decisions on what to keep and what to \"let go\". Just remember all the really important stuff is there inside your heart and will be forever. I didn\'t sell our home in Florida but I did lease it to a lovely young couple and it has given me a great deal of comfort to know that, once more, the home is filled with love and laughter and, perhaps, the faint echos of the love and laughter Jim and I shared there too. You are right.....we can never \"look\" at the houses in the same way but maybe that is good because it frees us for the moving forward. I hope the sadness at the move will soon be replaced with anticipation and the busyness that always accompanies a change.
Hugs, Dianne
I\'m totally with you. I had to move out of our house right away after Phil was gone. Everytime, I pass by the house, I can\'t stop crying. I hope you hang in there. Keep praying so that God will give you peace and strength. You\'re in my prayer, wendy.
Love
Kris
I missed your post. I get no notifications just have to click around to see if anyone posted. I had to finally leave our house too. It was too much to deal with. I wanted to go so that made it easier. I missed him so much and everywhere I turned I missed him more. The sadness was overwhelming. It was still hard to leave but in the end it was probably the best thing I could have done. I still miss the house but it was another lifetime and we still have more life to live. I sure understand what you are feeling. Hugs!!!