Aftermath

I noticed the time stamp on my entries for my journals. Today is Sunday for me and yesterday I want to the quilt show. I spent the night in agony until I finally gave in and broke my six week prescribed protocol by taking what I refer to as "the big boys". When I am thinking an ER looks good right then, it's time to take something stronger than an Aleve. I felt like my spine was broken and had nerves jumping all over the place. Gabapentin wasn't doing a blessed thing for me. *sigh. My husband believes it was the freeway trip, with the rocking of the car, etc. I don't know anymore and am tired of finding the cause for my pain as it could be simply a miss step, a windy day, a sneeze or cough... I enjoyed the show and wasn't holed up in my house per usual. I'm beginning to think perhaps an outing you really need is worth the effort of getting ready, face on and anticipating a good time despite the knowledge I will pay for it later. 
As I write, my spine is in constant pain above my fusion and my hip and pelvis feel broken inside, sending jolts of pain out when I sit, stand, walk or roll over in bed. Is this to be my life now?  I no longer cry like I used to as the waves of pain wash over me. I know it's a fight for survival and at times I fear if I cry, I may not stop. God says He is with me and when I can't do anything but surrender He is holding me in His arms, for I am His child. I am so grateful for this, my simple faith. I now know what mercy and hope look like, it began with my salvation and is lived out minute by minute with DDD. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thankful for it just grateful in it. I still have so much to live for.