After the rain the sun.............
Today I found myself reading through the journal entries of friends here on DS. It is so special that folks share their lives…..both the good and the not-so-good parts…..because doing so helps us to know that we are not alone and that’s the reason we are here on DS. For some reason I have been finding it hard to write journal entries. It is surprising because all of my friends know that every time I write to them it turns out to be “a day in the life of Joanie……” account of what I am living at any given time. I’m hoping that writing now will make it easier for me to stay on an even keel.
I have been feeling emotionally down this week and it has been hard to shake. I haven’t wanted to see or interact with anybody, but despite that I have talked with several friends and my brother who is more friend than a relative. I have always been able to keep my bad times to myself so none of them suspected that I have been feeling bad. Dick was the only one I ever confided in. He was my rock. Because of the way I have been feeling this past week I have had a really hard time motivating myself to do the things I normally do here in the house and I’ve just about panicked at times thinking about alI I have to do in preparation for the trip I have planned to visit with my brother and his family in Canada. I’m little by little getting together what I need while I’m away. My trip was delayed because I couldn’t put my hands on my current Passport so I have been waiting for a replacement for the last three weeks. I also need to be sure that all my personal paperwork is where it should be and to arrange to have our “fuzzy, four-footed children” (6-pound toy poodle and kitties) boarded while I am gone. I don’t look forward to being away from them because they are such a part of me.
When I sat down to write tonight I didn’t know why I needed to put my thoughts on paper. I realize now that I needed to talk to someone. I have been on overload this past week. I have a close friend and one family who would understand, but I don’t want them to think that they need to do anything for me. No one can. I am the only one who can keep me on the right track and I have always been able to do it. Dick was there for me…..not to do for me, but he was an emotional support…. so I have been able to deal with whatever has come along. I know that I can still work through hard times like I’m dealing with now because often when I am getting ready to go out to interact with someone(s) or to the gym, yoga or to do everyday things I often have to battle with myself during the whole time I’m getting ready because I’m telling myself that I don’t want to do it, b-u-t there has never been a time when I didn’t feel better afterwards.
I have finally gotten to the place where as hard as it is I have made myself face the fact that I am no longer part of a couple in this world of ours. I am alone. I’m not feeling sorry for myself when I say this. It is just a fact. At times now I find myself saying “me” and “I”……rather than “us” and “we.” At first when it happened I felt like I was betraying Dick, but I finally made myself know that we have been part of each other and always will be. I am now able to be somewhat comfortable doing things alone. It hasn’t been easy and it has taken me 5 years, but I can eat in restaurants alone, I was able to go to Canada to visit my brother and family last year, last fall I hiked on a nearby mountain where the trails have always been special to us and I am doing some things that were second nature before Dickie passed. I never thought I would be able to do it. A close friend recently told me that Dick would be pleased that I am going on and following through with the plans he and I made together. It’s not that I’m afraid to do things on my own……I just feel like I’m losing him all over again when I do things alone. I care about being with the people in my life and I enjoy the many things I’m involved in, but it seems now I would rather be by myself. I know only too well that feeling the way I do could put me on the path of becoming a recluse and that’s why I make sure I go to the gym each morning and do what needs to be done during the day. Even with everything I’m doing, where I am now has a slippery slope and it’s scary to think about.
I might have made a mistake just now by putting on an unlabeled CD that I accidently found earlier. It is turning out to be a nostalgic one. It’s probably not the best one to be listening to now considering how I have been feeling. There’s nothing like trying to see a computer screen through tears. A good thing is that there are many happy tears along with the “I wish things could be the same now as they were then……” memories. Since the CD was not where it should have been I never would have found it except that a friend asked me for a photo and it was in that box…..so I guess it was meant for me to come across it now.
Fall is beginning to make an appearance here in East Tennessee. Our temperature has been lower than it usually is at this time and. I’ve been hearing some grumbling from folks around me because of it …..you can always put more on, b-u-t there’s a limit to what you can take off! (smile)
Today has been a busy day for me because I have finally gotten myself in gear after going through the emotional time this past week. I don’t know exactly what triggered it. Tonight helped when I walked with Honey and spent some time standing on the footbridge watching the shadows little by little turn day into night. The frogs were talking back and forth with each other and from the deep “voices” I heard several of them must weigh as much as Honey. (smile) It’s a beautiful evening after an equally nice day of blue sky with fluffy white clouds. I didn’t need a jacket even though there was a cool fall-like feeling to the air as the sun went down. I had my MP-3 and was listening to favorite CD’s with the sound of the water over the spillway. Somehow there is a difference in lighting during fall. Tonight as the sun was setting there was a golden glow to everything. I noticed for the first time a slight change in the leaves on the mountain across from us. Our Japanese maple and several of our shrubs are also beginning to change. I heard from my brother in Alberta, CA today and they are heading into winter. It always blows my mind to realize that when we are beginning fall, Western Canada is already beginning winter and a friend overseas is just beginning spring. We have a nephew in Cairo, Egypt and another one in Oman, Jordan so between the season and time differences it can be complicated….and interesting…. to say the least. Dick and I have traveled through the years, but I have been learning much about parts of the world I am not familiar with.
Our Pixie-Bob kitty, Murphy (cross between a barn cat and a bobcat – hence his stubby tail) just came home after checking out what has been going on in our neighborhood tonight. His din-din was waiting for him and now he is curled up and making Zzzzzzz’s. He looks so comfortable. I should follow his lead so I’m heading to bed myself.
#########################
It is now 2 days later and thankfully the world looks brighter. As is always the case “after the rain the sun, after the sun the rain…….this is the way of life.” I have to force myself to remember this when I go through times like I have this past week.
We are having another sunny, fall day with a pleasant temperature. It’s late afternoon and Honey and I roamed with the camera a little while ago. The trees are prettier today than they were yesterday. Unfortunately, the colorful leaves come and go too quickly!
I have been feeling emotionally down this week and it has been hard to shake. I haven’t wanted to see or interact with anybody, but despite that I have talked with several friends and my brother who is more friend than a relative. I have always been able to keep my bad times to myself so none of them suspected that I have been feeling bad. Dick was the only one I ever confided in. He was my rock. Because of the way I have been feeling this past week I have had a really hard time motivating myself to do the things I normally do here in the house and I’ve just about panicked at times thinking about alI I have to do in preparation for the trip I have planned to visit with my brother and his family in Canada. I’m little by little getting together what I need while I’m away. My trip was delayed because I couldn’t put my hands on my current Passport so I have been waiting for a replacement for the last three weeks. I also need to be sure that all my personal paperwork is where it should be and to arrange to have our “fuzzy, four-footed children” (6-pound toy poodle and kitties) boarded while I am gone. I don’t look forward to being away from them because they are such a part of me.
When I sat down to write tonight I didn’t know why I needed to put my thoughts on paper. I realize now that I needed to talk to someone. I have been on overload this past week. I have a close friend and one family who would understand, but I don’t want them to think that they need to do anything for me. No one can. I am the only one who can keep me on the right track and I have always been able to do it. Dick was there for me…..not to do for me, but he was an emotional support…. so I have been able to deal with whatever has come along. I know that I can still work through hard times like I’m dealing with now because often when I am getting ready to go out to interact with someone(s) or to the gym, yoga or to do everyday things I often have to battle with myself during the whole time I’m getting ready because I’m telling myself that I don’t want to do it, b-u-t there has never been a time when I didn’t feel better afterwards.
I have finally gotten to the place where as hard as it is I have made myself face the fact that I am no longer part of a couple in this world of ours. I am alone. I’m not feeling sorry for myself when I say this. It is just a fact. At times now I find myself saying “me” and “I”……rather than “us” and “we.” At first when it happened I felt like I was betraying Dick, but I finally made myself know that we have been part of each other and always will be. I am now able to be somewhat comfortable doing things alone. It hasn’t been easy and it has taken me 5 years, but I can eat in restaurants alone, I was able to go to Canada to visit my brother and family last year, last fall I hiked on a nearby mountain where the trails have always been special to us and I am doing some things that were second nature before Dickie passed. I never thought I would be able to do it. A close friend recently told me that Dick would be pleased that I am going on and following through with the plans he and I made together. It’s not that I’m afraid to do things on my own……I just feel like I’m losing him all over again when I do things alone. I care about being with the people in my life and I enjoy the many things I’m involved in, but it seems now I would rather be by myself. I know only too well that feeling the way I do could put me on the path of becoming a recluse and that’s why I make sure I go to the gym each morning and do what needs to be done during the day. Even with everything I’m doing, where I am now has a slippery slope and it’s scary to think about.
I might have made a mistake just now by putting on an unlabeled CD that I accidently found earlier. It is turning out to be a nostalgic one. It’s probably not the best one to be listening to now considering how I have been feeling. There’s nothing like trying to see a computer screen through tears. A good thing is that there are many happy tears along with the “I wish things could be the same now as they were then……” memories. Since the CD was not where it should have been I never would have found it except that a friend asked me for a photo and it was in that box…..so I guess it was meant for me to come across it now.
Fall is beginning to make an appearance here in East Tennessee. Our temperature has been lower than it usually is at this time and. I’ve been hearing some grumbling from folks around me because of it …..you can always put more on, b-u-t there’s a limit to what you can take off! (smile)
Today has been a busy day for me because I have finally gotten myself in gear after going through the emotional time this past week. I don’t know exactly what triggered it. Tonight helped when I walked with Honey and spent some time standing on the footbridge watching the shadows little by little turn day into night. The frogs were talking back and forth with each other and from the deep “voices” I heard several of them must weigh as much as Honey. (smile) It’s a beautiful evening after an equally nice day of blue sky with fluffy white clouds. I didn’t need a jacket even though there was a cool fall-like feeling to the air as the sun went down. I had my MP-3 and was listening to favorite CD’s with the sound of the water over the spillway. Somehow there is a difference in lighting during fall. Tonight as the sun was setting there was a golden glow to everything. I noticed for the first time a slight change in the leaves on the mountain across from us. Our Japanese maple and several of our shrubs are also beginning to change. I heard from my brother in Alberta, CA today and they are heading into winter. It always blows my mind to realize that when we are beginning fall, Western Canada is already beginning winter and a friend overseas is just beginning spring. We have a nephew in Cairo, Egypt and another one in Oman, Jordan so between the season and time differences it can be complicated….and interesting…. to say the least. Dick and I have traveled through the years, but I have been learning much about parts of the world I am not familiar with.
Our Pixie-Bob kitty, Murphy (cross between a barn cat and a bobcat – hence his stubby tail) just came home after checking out what has been going on in our neighborhood tonight. His din-din was waiting for him and now he is curled up and making Zzzzzzz’s. He looks so comfortable. I should follow his lead so I’m heading to bed myself.
#########################
It is now 2 days later and thankfully the world looks brighter. As is always the case “after the rain the sun, after the sun the rain…….this is the way of life.” I have to force myself to remember this when I go through times like I have this past week.
We are having another sunny, fall day with a pleasant temperature. It’s late afternoon and Honey and I roamed with the camera a little while ago. The trees are prettier today than they were yesterday. Unfortunately, the colorful leaves come and go too quickly!
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