After Last night\'s RAGE

For those of you who know... Im again having issues with Ty. hes denied me intimacy when I asked, yet I catch him jerking off. RAGE! Anger! Pain, sadness, rejection.... Anyway.. last night I felt so hurt I had to get away from him.. thought I would go spend the night at a friends house, and just be done with it/with him.. Im too weak. I didnt stay away the whole night, I came back. I came back to find him after he'd drunk 2 quarts of a really strong beer, curled up in the back of his car... with a knife, and dark spots on his jeans. I dragged him inside, threw him on the couch, and went upstairs to sleep.  This morning I wake up and he's lying next to me. I dont want him to touch me. I dont want to kiss him, I feel awkward around him. EVerytime I see him pass by the computer now... I think to myself.. yep.. there he goes to watch more porn. Yep..  I cut. I relapsed BECAUSE OF HIM!!! Because of how he made me feel!! 22 cuts now decorate my arm.. they hurt today... dull blade.. DAMMIT. I drank too.. drank to try and forget my pain, and him.... didn't help. I drank 2 gallons of beer last night... and still thought of him..  RAGE, ANGUISH, ... Lost.