After a year
One year after my life changed forever I have found you can suppress the grief but only temporarily, it comes back with a vengeance, raw as ever, the pain never goes away and grief is as unique as the individual we grieve for. While the physical presence is gone, the love lives on. I miss you my son, your laugh, our conversations, the love of cooking.
Why did it happen? Why did you go?
I wake up each day and go through the routines, gone is the joy, gone is the fun, gone is the passion for life. Comfortably numb is the best description, does that honor you, no, but the pain of dealing with you not being here is too much, it is easier to work and sleep.
Sunday was mass of remembrance, yours was the first name read, always the first, you just never realized how special you were and the people you touched, the lives you changed. So yesterday, I went back to church and lit a candle in your memory, as I sat in the church with tears streaming down my face thinking of you and how you faced life head on, I must face my new life without your physical presence head on, never forgetting the joy and laughter you brought.
So after a year, I am opening up my grief and pain to find a way to handle it and begin to find some joy in the present. Not quite sure how I am going to go about it but I know I have to begin.
You will always be in my heart, thoughts and prayers, I love you my beautiful son.
Why did it happen? Why did you go?
I wake up each day and go through the routines, gone is the joy, gone is the fun, gone is the passion for life. Comfortably numb is the best description, does that honor you, no, but the pain of dealing with you not being here is too much, it is easier to work and sleep.
Sunday was mass of remembrance, yours was the first name read, always the first, you just never realized how special you were and the people you touched, the lives you changed. So yesterday, I went back to church and lit a candle in your memory, as I sat in the church with tears streaming down my face thinking of you and how you faced life head on, I must face my new life without your physical presence head on, never forgetting the joy and laughter you brought.
So after a year, I am opening up my grief and pain to find a way to handle it and begin to find some joy in the present. Not quite sure how I am going to go about it but I know I have to begin.
You will always be in my heart, thoughts and prayers, I love you my beautiful son.
Replies
After one year.....grief is so nasty,,it\'s always there...I am glad you lit that candle in church,,,,,I have found that being here helps me so much,, writing and reading and sharing,,,your son will never be forgotten,,,he is loved by us moms.and especially you,,
One year of missing your Jon. I\'m really understanding where you are in this journey of grief. I want to encourage you to talk about him, love him and journal. I am hopeful you will feel just how much we moms care about you and how we enjoy your sharing Jon with us. XOXO Debbie/Christopher\'s mom
You have expressed your love so well. You are so right - you can suppress the grief temporarily but it does come back with a vengeance. I am glad to hear that you are talking of facing life \'head on\'. I agree with Debbie - talk about Jon - we are here to listen and appreciate the wonderful person who is your son.
The joy does return, little by little. I doubt that I will ever be able to enjoy life as I did before but it does get better. But we never forget and I shed a tear almost daily.
Love and hugs, Marlene (Lisa\'s mum)
Thank you for sharing this.....tears are flowing as your read the words of your heart....
January will be our 6 year milestone....so hard to believe. Hard to believe I survived a day, let alone the years. I\'ve found comfort and healing in plunging head first into my pain with the determination to live in the joy that can and does eventually come.
Your Jon faced life head on, as are you dear one, with the renewed energy and courage that Jon sends you each and every day. Peace be yours as you find your path to further healing and true joy; taking Jon WITH you each step of the way.
Love to you!
Love to Jon!
Yes my tears are flowing also....... It is comming up on 4 years this Dec. All these hollindays are hard. Grief is forever the pain is not as sharp. There are always triggers some make sense others do not but those are the ones you can you can smile about later when the inital pain is over. it has taken me a long time , we are all a work in progress...
Hope this helps
Hugs Penny
Thank you all so much for the kind and supportive words. Making the decision to open up the box where I put the all of my emotions is painful, one moment I\'m angry, sad, tired, just wanting it all to go away. When it happens I close my eyes, take a deep breath and remember that giving up isn\'t what I would want him to do and it isn\'t fair to my other son. I love them both, however there is something about your first born that is special.
I read a book in my early days on grief about \"boxes.\" It told about how we can put our grief, sorrow, fears even hope in \"boxes\" and store them away. Ready or not we can take a box down and look inside and allow it to inform us. Some boxes may never be opened, some may be opened again and again to poke around in the contents and a few of the boxes we may even send along to others. This visual has served me so well on this path because some days those boxes just come tumbling down when I least expect it begging for my attention, other days the boxes are tucked far away on a shelf and I don\'t even want to look at them... It does not feel so overwhelming when I know that when needed I can choose to \"contain\" what I need and that I only need to take one box down at a time or not at all or pehaps I need to have many gathered around me. It\'s just a way of navigating this path that has helped me so much and I hope it might you as well.
You are doing your best and being numb is where all of us have been. It\'s just too much to live in acute grief 24/7 so even if you don\'t feel that any healing has been happening I believe with all my heart that it has been and is. You are courageous to awaken each morning to face the day and are doing just that.
Sending you a pocket full of peace and the strength that you need just for today. It\'s okay I have learned to use up all my courage for the day and try to fill myself back up to begin again.
With you and sending my loving care.
XO Joanie
Be gentle with yourself...for many (myself included) the second year is a bit more \"difficult\" because the numbness is wearing off. The challenge is \"not to give in to despair.\" I lost 2 children and a husband instantly almost 28 years ago (it was three days before Xmas in 1984) and the shock/numbness insulated me that first year. Let all the pain that wells up OUT--the quickest way to getting rid of the poison inside of us is to experience the grief head on. Deal with any \"issues\" that arise, too, because that will help the healing process. I hope you don\'t mind all of this \"unsolicited\" advice! Feel free to message me if there\'s anything I can do, maybe just to listen. I\'d love to know more about your son and what happened..\"your story.\" Love, Donna