Afraid of the world? Acting 'as if' I'm not.
I never used to be afraid. Now I wonder if the world is safe. So many of you lost someone to an accident... that one terrible night. The very thought of such a blow... oh my god. Now I drive around with anxiety... who might slam into me? What if I hurt someone else?
And what about long terms plans? My sister and brother-in-law want me and Drew to come with them on a walking trip in Scotland. Something about that terrifies me. I KNOW that when Drew and I went on my honeymoon in the Caribbean, and Andy was rushed to the ER in California with a f-ing brain tumor, it was just coincidence. I totally know that. So I know that going to Scotland (a dream for us) doesn't mean my mother or father or oh god my other son Byron will get hurt or get sick. It's... just... so... scary to go away.
New marriage: shattered innocence. Medical journey: devastated faith. My son Andy finding his fulfillment as a grown man: crushed hope. When we lose a child we lose so many other things too. I can see why it takes a long time and lots of patience and tentative experimentation to get back into life.
Sometimes I am willing to give things a try... to act 'as if'. Act 'as if' I can handle it. I went back to work like that. I went back to church like that. I have gone into social situations like that. I can travel and make plans like that too, I guess. I just have to make time for honest check-ins with myself. AM I ok? CAN I handle it? OR am I acting completely inconsistently with the truth, which is that innocence is shattered, faith is devastated, and hope is crushed... and fear grips me more often than ever before.
Still, this is my life and each day is precious. So we get up and go, and act as if. Sometimes it works out really well. There is joy, or satisfaction, or love. I get something done or help someone and feel glad I am able to make positive changes in the world. I'm not very good at 'me' time... maybe I'll go check that self-care list and get some 'me' in my day.
xox Sarah
And what about long terms plans? My sister and brother-in-law want me and Drew to come with them on a walking trip in Scotland. Something about that terrifies me. I KNOW that when Drew and I went on my honeymoon in the Caribbean, and Andy was rushed to the ER in California with a f-ing brain tumor, it was just coincidence. I totally know that. So I know that going to Scotland (a dream for us) doesn't mean my mother or father or oh god my other son Byron will get hurt or get sick. It's... just... so... scary to go away.
New marriage: shattered innocence. Medical journey: devastated faith. My son Andy finding his fulfillment as a grown man: crushed hope. When we lose a child we lose so many other things too. I can see why it takes a long time and lots of patience and tentative experimentation to get back into life.
Sometimes I am willing to give things a try... to act 'as if'. Act 'as if' I can handle it. I went back to work like that. I went back to church like that. I have gone into social situations like that. I can travel and make plans like that too, I guess. I just have to make time for honest check-ins with myself. AM I ok? CAN I handle it? OR am I acting completely inconsistently with the truth, which is that innocence is shattered, faith is devastated, and hope is crushed... and fear grips me more often than ever before.
Still, this is my life and each day is precious. So we get up and go, and act as if. Sometimes it works out really well. There is joy, or satisfaction, or love. I get something done or help someone and feel glad I am able to make positive changes in the world. I'm not very good at 'me' time... maybe I'll go check that self-care list and get some 'me' in my day.
xox Sarah
Replies
oh yes, when catastrophic things come at us and hurt us they bring out fear...our entire assumptive world is flicked away as if it had been a knat what else could happen. Does gravity really work? Will it stop? Maybe only over our little space on the planet?
And yes, we have our one wild life and we do want it...that is good....
most of the others that we will interact with will seem to be somewhat separate, living as it were, in a different reality from ours, and I think they do, all those seemingly small normal things, the innocent joy and hope in a new marriage, the pleasure of one\'s children grown through the frightful adolescent years, faith in some measure of justice for all, us included brought to serious question,,,
but yes, we are alive, with one precious life, with some moments of joy, of satisfaction of love, of hope, we hope........
wishing for you dear Sarah life abundant....however long it takes.
You have already done me and I do not doubt it countless others so very much good, so much comfort given so freely in your pain, so much beauty so much...
in your worst moments, may love surround you and hold you for this one thing is true....there is love....
Fear can be devastating. fear of the unknown.. especially after experiencing tragic loss. i find myself battling that demon as i type this. what makes it worse is knowing that THIS will never be fixed. life has forever changed this part of our circle. to find the motivation to take these risks is what paralyzes us. finding the will to want to take that chance. it\'s so hard. true that life is precious and shame on us for wasting it.. but when we have been wounded, we don\'t always heal. but that creates a life full of regrets, for having wasted what time we had left. take a deep breath. take a chance that this may be a great adventure. and once you step out of the comfort zone, which sometimes becomes our prison, you may discover some joy. God bless.
I remember feeling so scared those first few months......driving in the car I was terrified something would happen. I drove my boys crazy saying be careful but God love them they understood and still do because that is one thing that I can not get by. I worry about them.....afraid I will lose another precious son. The fear does diminish somewhat over time the more you do the things that cause the fear the easier it gets. A walking trip in Scotland.... I do not think I could pass that up! It sounds like great therapy..... :0)
MY DAUGHTER WHO DED OF LUPUS IT TOOK HER 81 DAYS TO DIE IT WAS SO HORRIBLE. IT HAS CHANGED ME AND MY LIFE FOR EVER. FEAR GREETS ME EVERY MORNING FOR ALMOST 8 YEARS I HAVE SO MUCH ANXIETY IN ME I TAKE MEDICATION, WALK DO EVERYTHING IT TAKES ABOUT 30 MINUTES EVERYDAY FOR 8 YEARS, IF I GO TO A STORE AND SEE THINGS MY DAUGHTER WOULD LOVE I FEEL LIKE IT IS NOT REAL AND I FEEL SO LONLEY. MY WORLD HAS BECOME VERY SMALL NOW. WE WERE GOING TO PARIS AND ROME NEXT YEAR I JUST CAN,T DO IT I FEEL SO MUCH PANICE NOW GOING TO STRANGE PLACES. THE FIRST 2 YEARS I UTTERLY JUST CRYED AND TALKED TO MY SISTER. SHE IS ALL I HAVE LEFT OF A FAMILY EVERYONE IS DEAD. NO ONE JUST MY HUSBAND AND SISTER. BUT ALL YOU ARE FEELING I THINK MOST OF US MOMS TO LOOSE OUR KIDS ESPECIALLY TO A DEVASTATING DISEASE, THE SUFFERING WE SEE IT LEAVES SUCH SCARS ON US. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GO NEAR A HOSPITAL I GET A PANIC ATTACK NOW ESPECIALLY A KAISER HMO. TOTAL DEVASTATING TO ME. BUT MAYBE GOING ON THIS TRIP WILL HELP YOU,GRIVE IS A LIFE LONG PROCESS,IT EFFECTS ALL OF US DIFFERANT.AND SAD, I THINK IF IT WAS ME I WOULD PROBLEY GO JUST TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL I THINK YOUR SON WOULD WANT YOU TO GO, HE LOVES YOU EVEN IN SPIRT NOW AND HE WILL BE WITH YOU. SO GO AND TRY TO ENJOY YOURSELF AND KNOW THERE IS NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY. GOD ONLY GIVES YOU AS MUCH AS YOU CAN HANDLE LOTS OF HUGS ZZ
My son did not die in an accident but his death was hard to understand and my world was shattered and my heart forever broken. I could not drive the first 4 months after it happened. My life did not seem right....a devastating loss makes us shakey to say the least. Never has my faith come to such a blow...but I feel strenghtened more than ever after the initial shock....don\'t give the devil a foothold....live your life and live it in abundance NOW more than ever. I pray you overcome the fear and become stronger in your heart and faith. Don\'t abandon all you know to be true...\".this too shall pass\"....Love and Hugs, dale...brandon\'s mom
I can totally relate and I am more paranoid about things now. Sounds crazy but i worry about how my house is when I leave it because something may happen to me. We had to go into my sons condo and clean it out after his passing and I know it is because of that. I wish for all of us to get back to some normal some day. Love and peace Lynette
When Nathan was killed, I suddenly felt wounded and fragile. I\'m still worried about going out, or family going out. It puts our life in a new perspective. We are vunerable, we are not invincible. I believe this world is a scary place, for many different reasons. I don\'t feel safe. Maybe in time, I will feel different about that. But for now, I watch my back, see my doctor regularly, and try to stay away from crazy drivers.
Wishing you comfort, Danette
Sarah, For me it is hard to trust life. In one instant I was plunged into this journey of grief, pain & loneliness. I do practice the \"act as if\" method. For me it works. In my counseling or here at FMO I can talk honestly about my feelings, but in the other world that most inhabit it keeps me from getting paralyzed and/or falling into a deep depression. Depression for me is almost seductive. I often fantasize curling into the fetal position & going to sleep for much of the day, but I can\'t (I know me - it would be too easy). So \"acting as if\" helps me. I say vacation & enjoy as best you can. Life, as we on this site know all too well, is too short. Love & understanding, Linda
I\'m afraid to see the end of movies, that it will be sad. I\'ve never been like this that I can remember. Well, maybe as a young child. You do push yourself to be part of life. I can\'t imagine passing on this trip, but I do understand your fear and feel it, too. You know if it doesn\'t go well, you can just come home. Make it easier on yourself and give yourself an \"out\".
I so totally understand. Do what you can do for you. I have found pushing myself to do things have not helped, however, if I don\'t I may never get past the night Ken passed. I wish I know how to tell someone in our shoes to be happy and not have the feelings we now are dealing with. I wish for you to make the right decision for you.. Sandi...Ken\'s mom forever
We now know that bad things can happen...so we naturally think that MORE bad things will happen. We are no longer innocent. I now look at and listen to people when they talk about their lives and i think...they don\'t know...they don\'t know that this COULD happen to them. I let them live in that fantasy world. I just want you to know that you will not always live in fear...that fear does leave...other difficult things may happen in your life...but you have now experienced the worst thing that can happen...so other things don\'t seem so bad. Just allow yourself to go through the emotions....love and hugs...Karen
Karen, everyone, thank you for understanding EXACTLY what I am talking about.
Great big hugs,
Sarah
It seems like after a monumental loss that we mothers endure, we wait for the \"other shoe to drop\" so to speak. It takes a great deal of time to trust in the world again. It takes time to want to \"plan\" ahead and think of good things for our futures. I can still get that pit in my stomach when I hear the doorbell ring...how silly, but it\'s true. However, I don\'t always think the worse like I used to. Time itself can be a burden, but also a blessing. Be patient and let time be on your side. One day you won\'t have to try, it will come. Love to you. Robin
A trip out of \"dodge\" sounds good. If you want to go, then go If you want to take a smaller trip to someplace new then do that. Get out and let life in even if it is just for a little while, your senses will remember. Then see if everyone is ok, soon you will breath again...
Hugs Penny
What you describe resonates for me. I find myself praying like crazy for myself and loved ones daily. I just refuse to succumb to the fear (false evidence appearing real) because when I am in that place I am so not present. I acknowledge it, send out an affirmation to the universe and try to connect with where I am now. I like your idea of \"checking in\' with yourself and feel that is very valuable. Thank you for sharing what you do, Sarah. Peace to our mother\'s hearts as we move about our days and knowing that whatever we are feeling is as it needs to be yet we do not have to stay for long if it is filled with angst and worry. We can acknowledge it and allow it to inform us and then move on... I always appreciate your journals. Thank you sweet friend. With love, Joanie