Afraid of the world? Acting 'as if' I'm not.
I never used to be afraid. Now I wonder if the world is safe. So many of you lost someone to an accident... that one terrible night. The very thought of such a blow... oh my god. Now I drive around with anxiety... who might slam into me? What if I hurt someone else?
And what about long terms plans? My sister and brother-in-law want me and Drew to come with them on a walking trip in Scotland. Something about that terrifies me. I KNOW that when Drew and I went on my honeymoon in the Caribbean, and Andy was rushed to the ER in California with a f-ing brain tumor, it was just coincidence. I totally know that. So I know that going to Scotland (a dream for us) doesn't mean my mother or father or oh god my other son Byron will get hurt or get sick. It's... just... so... scary to go away.
New marriage: shattered innocence. Medical journey: devastated faith. My son Andy finding his fulfillment as a grown man: crushed hope. When we lose a child we lose so many other things too. I can see why it takes a long time and lots of patience and tentative experimentation to get back into life.
Sometimes I am willing to give things a try... to act 'as if'. Act 'as if' I can handle it. I went back to work like that. I went back to church like that. I have gone into social situations like that. I can travel and make plans like that too, I guess. I just have to make time for honest check-ins with myself. AM I ok? CAN I handle it? OR am I acting completely inconsistently with the truth, which is that innocence is shattered, faith is devastated, and hope is crushed... and fear grips me more often than ever before.
Still, this is my life and each day is precious. So we get up and go, and act as if. Sometimes it works out really well. There is joy, or satisfaction, or love. I get something done or help someone and feel glad I am able to make positive changes in the world. I'm not very good at 'me' time... maybe I'll go check that self-care list and get some 'me' in my day.
xox Sarah
And what about long terms plans? My sister and brother-in-law want me and Drew to come with them on a walking trip in Scotland. Something about that terrifies me. I KNOW that when Drew and I went on my honeymoon in the Caribbean, and Andy was rushed to the ER in California with a f-ing brain tumor, it was just coincidence. I totally know that. So I know that going to Scotland (a dream for us) doesn't mean my mother or father or oh god my other son Byron will get hurt or get sick. It's... just... so... scary to go away.
New marriage: shattered innocence. Medical journey: devastated faith. My son Andy finding his fulfillment as a grown man: crushed hope. When we lose a child we lose so many other things too. I can see why it takes a long time and lots of patience and tentative experimentation to get back into life.
Sometimes I am willing to give things a try... to act 'as if'. Act 'as if' I can handle it. I went back to work like that. I went back to church like that. I have gone into social situations like that. I can travel and make plans like that too, I guess. I just have to make time for honest check-ins with myself. AM I ok? CAN I handle it? OR am I acting completely inconsistently with the truth, which is that innocence is shattered, faith is devastated, and hope is crushed... and fear grips me more often than ever before.
Still, this is my life and each day is precious. So we get up and go, and act as if. Sometimes it works out really well. There is joy, or satisfaction, or love. I get something done or help someone and feel glad I am able to make positive changes in the world. I'm not very good at 'me' time... maybe I'll go check that self-care list and get some 'me' in my day.
xox Sarah
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