Adrift

I am adrift this week, away from my house, my job, my dogs, even my husband. (He will arrive around midnight though.) I am on Cape Cod for a family wedding, as I've said. In some ways it is good to get out and make new memories. Someone gave us that advice -- was it proudtxmom? Excellent advice. Life is for the living. 
Still...... I get dressed up, I go to the parties, I nibble the food, and..... I just want out. I wish I WAS at home, in my cocoon, with my doggies. THe emotional exhaustion of grief leaves me with a VERY short energy fuse. Luckily I do feel free to excuse myself and all the people who love me and care about my needs are totally fine with quick exits. Tonight I was with my parents who are 82 and 85 and so it was good for them to leave the party early too. We drove down to the shore and looked at the sunset over the dunes: gorgeous.
I want to describe the elements of healing from Rabbi Naomi Levy's book "To Begin Again." This is for my own self-support, but of course I hope it will help someone else. ANd I should say that I have put my own spin or interpretation into these elements. I started enjoying or more accurately utilizing this concept about 12 years ago when my 25 year marriage to Andy and Byron's father ended abruptly. I grieved mightily for the man I had known who seemed to suddenly be a different person; I grieved for our past and tried to understand what had gone wrong; I grieved for the future I thought we would have that was now not to be. How like grieving for a real death, in a way. I sobbed for about a year. And I read many many books. This one was a blessing. So, the five elements of healing:
TOUCH: massage, swimming, hugs : ) To feel contact, to realize that our bodies are still alive.
TEARS: sobbing or just gently weeping, we express, we flush, we cleanse, we get in touch with the heart's aching, we allow ourselves to feel a child's pain.
COMMUNITY: to give and receive is to be alive. There are others in pain and they need us. We can take it in only little bits at first but we can keep trying, gently.
LISTENING: there is wisdom out there in books, on websites, in churches and temples and support groups. Even when we feel overwhelmed and can't talk much or articulate our own feelings, we can learn so much from others.
And my favorite : ) SILENCE: when we're silent, we allow the truth, we let the thoughts come to the surface, we check in with ourselves. 
I added another element to Levy's list: BEAUTY. When I was in the darkest times, and still today as I endure the terrible loss of my beautiful funny brilliant Andy, as the world seems so cruel around me, I do see and give thanks for beauty. I love beautiful music, I love the wrinkles on my sister's face, I love the weeds that grow in the cracks of a sidewalk, I love the sky, I love the kindness of a driver who lets you turn left when you thought it would be days before you could go! There are so so SO many good beautiful things in the world.
As grievous and blasted to the root as I have been, I have never had a day when I didn't see and love something about the world around me. I feel sad for you, if you have. I guess it's just the way I'm wired. As you can see in our Caringbridge site, we REALLY made the best of those 17 months with Andy. We cooked incredible dinners, we went on trips, we laughed our heads off. The days on earth for any one are so numbered, so precious. As sad (soooo sad) as I am, and as careful as I have to be to conserve my energy and guard my tender weary soul these days, I am still committed to this life.
Tonight Drew, my beloved husband will get here. I can't wait. I feel so lucky to have this man in my life who wants to help me through these sad days. He's not a man who talks easily about Feelings (IYKWIM!) but he is HERE for me with capital letters! Love you, my good man.
Thanks if you really read all this! Don't worry, I'll dump when dumping is what the heart needs. Right now, as I said, I'm drifting. Tomorrow: another run. A mani-pedi with my sister and niece. The rehearsal dinner for my nephew. And prolly lots of little quiet moments of silence for Andy. Who would have hated this whole thing. Heh heh. No one will know but us. Him, me, you.
xox sarah

Replies

heartsandhands
heartsandhands

When I said, \"I feel sad for you, if you have\" I really meant it in a compassion way, not a scornful way. I am lucky that with various times of grief and loss in my life, even this worst one ever, I am just not (so far?) a depressed person. Situationally, yes, I am sadder than sad. But big picture, and for my other son, and for my parents who are SO amazing and good to me, I want to live each day with gratitude and love.
biowoman
biowoman

Sarah. it is obvious to me that you are in tune with your mind and heart...that you allow the sadness there AND the joy of living as well. I feel your drift and love and admire your ability to see beauty and joy in the midst of the worst thing that can happen in a mother\'s life. I think that recognizing your needs calmly and gracefully is giving others permission to allow that for you as well. Thank you, once again, for sharing your calm perspective on your journey....Karen
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

If this is what \"drifting\" feels like then I know I need to do more of it. I appreciate your perspectives and things you are sharing that you have learned along the way. Feel it all as you are and continue to journal because it\'s in the sharing that all heal. I adore Cape Cod and spent many summers in Chatham so I am envisioning what you are describing... ahhh... Hugs to you this day dear Sarah. Joanie
deleted_user
deleted_user

Such wisdom in your words and I\'d be wise to utilize this wisdom in my own life. Thank you for sharing what you are feeling. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa