Adoption?

Legal adoption is the reccommended next step if we want to get The State bureauracies out of the equation for the future of the grandchildren. The caseworkers have all been wonderful but they are bureaucrats and even more aware than I am that bureaucracies are hard to navigate, much less get creative with. If we want to incorporate the children into road trips, etc., it is best to get The State regulations out of the equation. As adoptive parents, we will have fuller say over where and when we choose to take the children wherever opportunity calls.

I cherish my role as "Gammy." I have already done the Mommy gig and neither of my sons are showing evidence that I was terrifically good at it. I remain convinced that I did nothing more than prove out the old cultural assumption that engineers cannae be good mothers, too. Pick one and make it work. I made that choice in 1995 when I retired from my engineering career to take charge of out-of-control adolescants. That job was ***MUCH*** harder than running construction crews, and performed under the dignified label of, "Not Working." I am still haunted by the feeling that the choice was too little, too late for those out-of-control adolescants. Engineers really do make "Toxic Mothers," even when we are "Not Working."

Within the current adoption dillema, I feel like I am being forced to decide between a cherished role and a necessary role. I still love science and engineering, but the associated work places suck daddy dick, both literally and figuratively. On this day in the here and now, the failure to launch of my middle aged children hurts me far more than the loss of my engineering career. Trading my "Gammy" job for "Mommy" doesnae feel like a fair traide, at all, even without the jealous DIL ghost using the injustice as proof that I really was trying to steal the love of her children from her. I'd rather join one of your ageing Barbie tea parties, Mother. I know, I know. . . You donae believe me this time, either.

The caseworker who is guiding us through this part of the legal process assures us that it will move fast. She expects us to be free to take the children wherever we choose with whomever we care to trust by the end of school year in May. Personally, she loves the idea of introducing them to my work in the River Region. Maybe even my work in the Andes Mountains. The children most assuredly want to see it. Bureaucratically, she doesnae care to approach the mountains of paperwork attached to introducing foster children to the world outside her state jurisdiction. Working this particular case across county lines within a single State was/is challenging enough for her work stress management load.

The piece of the mountain of paperwork which currently has us stumbling is the psych evaluation. I feel like I am trying to fit 40 odd years of psychotherapy into a single synopsis. Hubs is shocked to get such an intimate look at what I've been doing in psychotherapy all these decades. He has been through more than one round of morally outraged, "How dare you ask me that?" expostulation. Welcome to my world, Babycakes. I wasnae saying "You can't help" in a spirit of mean intention. That was simple fact. Thank you for letting me love you in spite of that simple fact and all ^its^ complex spin-offs. I wouldn't wish my awareness of that world on anybody or anything. I would wish ^it^ out of existance if I could. Still wishing, just in case. . . Praying, too. More importantly, I am plying therapy tools while I make my way through that mountain of paperwork. PTSD Barbie ain't just whistling Dixie when she dramacates over the mind fuck of looking for the bureaucratic solution to GI Joe's exly exit from her tea parties. There are easier and far more profitable ways to plug the cracks in **my** strictly personal system.

Despite all the mind fuckery attached, the legal adoption still feels like the right thing to do. Bureaucracies make lousy dance partners. They are so big that they canae help but step on your toes on a routine basis. I just might end up calling one or three of these caseworkers, "Friend," but they can take their job and shove it. The caseworker who is guiding us through the adoption embraced that clever repartee as a life's ambition.

Works in progress. . . Stepping small and praying big while I settle on the rapid cycling median again. I am fine. How are you?

Why can't life be easy? I find myself craving a heaping helping of boredom. Maybe Big Sis is up for a dolly tea party. Maybe not. Secret Santa was generous enough with the dollies that even she is bored with dolly tea parties. Four year old boredom is a force of Nature. I'd rather try to get my middle aged son out of bed. With his newly sprouted morbid obesity, I havenae a doubt I can outrun him, 65 year old COPD and all. I amnae so confident I can outrun a bored four year old of any gender.