Admission
I started this as a reply to a discussion in the Divorce after 20 group but though it might be more appropriate as a journal entry. First Thank You to all my friends here. All of your comments, advice and spirit boost have been a godsend.
JustSpiffy your words :
“I manufactured a lot of my happiness by lying to myself. I would make excuses for his behavior when I experienced the hollowness/disappointment I would feel by not being appreciated by my ex. Like you, I'm an optimist. So I would put on a happy face and make the most of the situation when I could, thus creating the illusion of happiness”
Hit home with me just now and this is what I realize that I have done/had to do all these years.
CowgirlKathi asked the other day about a situation of mine. Me nor my wife want to be in a divorce, But my wife was/is OK being in a roommate situation. I realized last year that I could no longer keep manufacturing happiness by lying to myself. I realized that I wanted a marriage and a roommate situation is NOT a marriage and my wife did not want to work on and re-establish the marriage that we once had. I kept telling myself IF I JUST… things will change and get better. Things never did change because it takes two to make that work. Now I have to work on growing me, taking the wisdom of these years and walk forward, making new opportunities that someday I hopefully can share with someone.
Maybe I’m sounding bitter, but I’m not. I feel lonely and scared of my future. I guess I still am WT-confused! But not as confused as yesterday!
JustSpiffy your words :
“I manufactured a lot of my happiness by lying to myself. I would make excuses for his behavior when I experienced the hollowness/disappointment I would feel by not being appreciated by my ex. Like you, I'm an optimist. So I would put on a happy face and make the most of the situation when I could, thus creating the illusion of happiness”
Hit home with me just now and this is what I realize that I have done/had to do all these years.
CowgirlKathi asked the other day about a situation of mine. Me nor my wife want to be in a divorce, But my wife was/is OK being in a roommate situation. I realized last year that I could no longer keep manufacturing happiness by lying to myself. I realized that I wanted a marriage and a roommate situation is NOT a marriage and my wife did not want to work on and re-establish the marriage that we once had. I kept telling myself IF I JUST… things will change and get better. Things never did change because it takes two to make that work. Now I have to work on growing me, taking the wisdom of these years and walk forward, making new opportunities that someday I hopefully can share with someone.
Maybe I’m sounding bitter, but I’m not. I feel lonely and scared of my future. I guess I still am WT-confused! But not as confused as yesterday!
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