Admission
I started this as a reply to a discussion in the Divorce after 20 group but though it might be more appropriate as a journal entry. First Thank You to all my friends here. All of your comments, advice and spirit boost have been a godsend.
JustSpiffy your words :
“I manufactured a lot of my happiness by lying to myself. I would make excuses for his behavior when I experienced the hollowness/disappointment I would feel by not being appreciated by my ex. Like you, I'm an optimist. So I would put on a happy face and make the most of the situation when I could, thus creating the illusion of happiness”
Hit home with me just now and this is what I realize that I have done/had to do all these years.
CowgirlKathi asked the other day about a situation of mine. Me nor my wife want to be in a divorce, But my wife was/is OK being in a roommate situation. I realized last year that I could no longer keep manufacturing happiness by lying to myself. I realized that I wanted a marriage and a roommate situation is NOT a marriage and my wife did not want to work on and re-establish the marriage that we once had. I kept telling myself IF I JUST… things will change and get better. Things never did change because it takes two to make that work. Now I have to work on growing me, taking the wisdom of these years and walk forward, making new opportunities that someday I hopefully can share with someone.
Maybe I’m sounding bitter, but I’m not. I feel lonely and scared of my future. I guess I still am WT-confused! But not as confused as yesterday!
JustSpiffy your words :
“I manufactured a lot of my happiness by lying to myself. I would make excuses for his behavior when I experienced the hollowness/disappointment I would feel by not being appreciated by my ex. Like you, I'm an optimist. So I would put on a happy face and make the most of the situation when I could, thus creating the illusion of happiness”
Hit home with me just now and this is what I realize that I have done/had to do all these years.
CowgirlKathi asked the other day about a situation of mine. Me nor my wife want to be in a divorce, But my wife was/is OK being in a roommate situation. I realized last year that I could no longer keep manufacturing happiness by lying to myself. I realized that I wanted a marriage and a roommate situation is NOT a marriage and my wife did not want to work on and re-establish the marriage that we once had. I kept telling myself IF I JUST… things will change and get better. Things never did change because it takes two to make that work. Now I have to work on growing me, taking the wisdom of these years and walk forward, making new opportunities that someday I hopefully can share with someone.
Maybe I’m sounding bitter, but I’m not. I feel lonely and scared of my future. I guess I still am WT-confused! But not as confused as yesterday!
Replies
WT, You might FEEL ...
confused, thrown off, jumbled, befuddled and perplexed right now...
What I see is a man who is ...
capable of thinking and expressing himself in a very clear manner...
This is the opposite of \"confused\"!
It took a lot of hard work and courage to get to this point.
You are going to be ok, WT.
And no, you don\'t sound bitter. You sound real.
Jesus said He came for the sick, not for those who \"think\" they are righteous/well. ... meaning He is here for those who are real about their own pain and sorrow.
(((HUG))) from a fellow traveller in this journey of life.
PH
You sound anything but bitter, my friend, You have reached the point of accepting what is and KNOWING that you don\'t want to continue being part of a sham of a marriage! I congratulate you on reaching this point and for sharing it here.
You are getting there. It\'s a journey and a long process. Know that we\'re all IN YOUR CORNER, cheering you along!
Thank You all my friends. It truely is not an easy process, no matter how friendly it is. Thank You for giving me hope even when I dont see the possability of hope. Thank You all for the prayers and the strength to keep walking.
I\'ve known many people who have gotten a divorce. I felt bad for them, but never gave it much thought. Now that it\'s happened to me, I know it for the soul crushing experience it is. But I also know I, and all of us, have picked ourselves up and soldiered on. Hell, if we can survive this, we can survive anything!!!
Sorry it\'s taken so long to read this. I\'m glad you got something from my thoughts... You sound pretty squared away for where you are in your \"process\" for lack of a better word. I appreciate reading what you have written wherever I see your posts/thoughts. Big hugs....wishing there were an \"EASY\" button.