addiction worse than drugs
You know when something's bad for you and it would be best to leave it alone? Yeah well that somehow doesn't translate to my heart, at least I think its my heart that's not convinced.
He is a numinous and glorious disaster. He knows it, and states it like its casual information, like the weather or Gramma's infamous chocolate chip cookies recipe. He accepts my crazy, sarcastic, non committal ass and tells me how adorable my dark and twisted ways are. I can say all the things that come to mind without feeling judged in some way. which is great cuz I thing I musta misplaced my filter on one of my last drug frenzied run. (Man, I don't miss them days lol)
He isn't what anyone would call traditionally sexy and not the "type" of guy people would expect me to be involved with. They don't see what I see, that side of him that comes out when we're together, when no one is there. He has this natural instinct to nurture me... he cradles my head on his chest and strokes my hair, and if you knew me you would know how very ironic that is. I'm known for being very independent and a big time caretaker-superhero. I don't do the romance, cuddling, relationship thing. I'm up front and blunt about it with any guy that dares to entertain the idea of trying to start anything with me.
Yet there's something so broken and familiar about him that I feel a connection with him. He needs to take care of someone to feel valued, needs to nurture to feel less empty. He pets me, smooth's my hair, holds me for extended periods of time (not at all similar to cuddling) and I don't cringe or wriggle loose. I've actually come to enjoy it. Its crazy how the darkness we share has actually caused growth in me.
We both have a stubborn way that just doesn't let us admit to really feeling as strong as we do. Neither of us wants to appear to be the weaker link lol if I text him first then he has the upper hand. Its so ridiculous cuz both of us know how each other feels. We don't deny that at all. We've even confessed it to each other, but we don't dwell on it. For a while we did deny it though, especially him.
Anyway, I said all that to say he has somehow lit a fuse that I was trying not to light. I find myself thinking of him , a lot, like a lot-lot . Yeah and did I mention he now has a girlfriend? He didn't when we first started "talking" and I distanced myself from him knowing it's what would be healthier to do (we are both recovering addicts, well not so much him anymore) and what's more ... the girlfriend was my roommate at the treatment center we all met at. Yeah, I'm a horrible person cuz I don't even care that he's with her. I feel like he only chose her because when he finally decided to pick one, I rejected him. Thinking I could just move on. I was doing fine, minding my own ...and this man that refused to be the first to text actually text me randomly. "Hope you're doing good." and that translated to "I miss you"
that gesture really got me. Initially he won me over because he acted nonchalant and un interested in me. I wasn't used to that. I was a bartender for a long time and typically guys threw themselves at me. I liked that he was making me chase him.
Nowadays, its totally different. He texts me good morning and uses words like "beautiful" and says crazy things like "I want to see you", "you're the most amazing person I know" He has always said nice things to let me know he likes me but never anything meaningful or sweet and emotion-ie. I love your curves or I just wanna do really bad things to you and I was perfectly happy with that. Now I'm left here analyzing this whole "new" side of "L.B"
He is a numinous and glorious disaster. He knows it, and states it like its casual information, like the weather or Gramma's infamous chocolate chip cookies recipe. He accepts my crazy, sarcastic, non committal ass and tells me how adorable my dark and twisted ways are. I can say all the things that come to mind without feeling judged in some way. which is great cuz I thing I musta misplaced my filter on one of my last drug frenzied run. (Man, I don't miss them days lol)
He isn't what anyone would call traditionally sexy and not the "type" of guy people would expect me to be involved with. They don't see what I see, that side of him that comes out when we're together, when no one is there. He has this natural instinct to nurture me... he cradles my head on his chest and strokes my hair, and if you knew me you would know how very ironic that is. I'm known for being very independent and a big time caretaker-superhero. I don't do the romance, cuddling, relationship thing. I'm up front and blunt about it with any guy that dares to entertain the idea of trying to start anything with me.
Yet there's something so broken and familiar about him that I feel a connection with him. He needs to take care of someone to feel valued, needs to nurture to feel less empty. He pets me, smooth's my hair, holds me for extended periods of time (not at all similar to cuddling) and I don't cringe or wriggle loose. I've actually come to enjoy it. Its crazy how the darkness we share has actually caused growth in me.
We both have a stubborn way that just doesn't let us admit to really feeling as strong as we do. Neither of us wants to appear to be the weaker link lol if I text him first then he has the upper hand. Its so ridiculous cuz both of us know how each other feels. We don't deny that at all. We've even confessed it to each other, but we don't dwell on it. For a while we did deny it though, especially him.
Anyway, I said all that to say he has somehow lit a fuse that I was trying not to light. I find myself thinking of him , a lot, like a lot-lot . Yeah and did I mention he now has a girlfriend? He didn't when we first started "talking" and I distanced myself from him knowing it's what would be healthier to do (we are both recovering addicts, well not so much him anymore) and what's more ... the girlfriend was my roommate at the treatment center we all met at. Yeah, I'm a horrible person cuz I don't even care that he's with her. I feel like he only chose her because when he finally decided to pick one, I rejected him. Thinking I could just move on. I was doing fine, minding my own ...and this man that refused to be the first to text actually text me randomly. "Hope you're doing good." and that translated to "I miss you"
that gesture really got me. Initially he won me over because he acted nonchalant and un interested in me. I wasn't used to that. I was a bartender for a long time and typically guys threw themselves at me. I liked that he was making me chase him.
Nowadays, its totally different. He texts me good morning and uses words like "beautiful" and says crazy things like "I want to see you", "you're the most amazing person I know" He has always said nice things to let me know he likes me but never anything meaningful or sweet and emotion-ie. I love your curves or I just wanna do really bad things to you and I was perfectly happy with that. Now I'm left here analyzing this whole "new" side of "L.B"
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