ACKNOWLEDGING THE PAIN
I am trying Lord. I wish I could say that this decision to do this surgery is all mine, but it is more my doctors recommendation than it is mine and with good reason, I am morbidly obese and have been for quite some time. I know the reasons why this must be done so why am i straddling the fence - why are my nerves taking over and why do I feel petrified at the thought of the surgery not working for me when it has worked for so many. My insecurities are through the roof Lord and I don't know how to steady them. I need you Lord in ways that I never have before. You've seen me through the rape, the molestation, the abandonment, the bout with alcoholism and drugs all which tie into being abused and I've overcome them - you know like I do that I can't afford to go backwards with the depression and I find myself fighting it more and more everyday. I know the signs, and I know I am in trouble. I had a long talk with myself and apart of me knows why I am tripping and its because the weight loss is the final hold my past has on me and then I will be totally free. I should be rejoicing but instead I'm in mourning. I hid myself behind this weight for so many years that I don't know how to let it go. That little girl is under all this weight and it's truly time to let her go - this is the last layer I have to tackle and it is indeed the hardest. I've protected her in my own crazy way by hiding her but It's time for me to live my life the way You intended for me to live - Happy and Burden Free with no inhibitions - no masks. Am I ready? I'm not sure I am really scared to death that if I remove all the layers I will crumble, but Lord I have to take that chance because what once protected me may be the very thing that kills me (the weight). I deserve to be able to breathe, walk, run, dance and not have to worry about the possibility of a heart attack, so God please help me find a way to wrap my mind around all of this and be 100% sure that this is the way for me to go. It's been 42 years since the abuse this has got to be my time to shine - I deserve this, don't I? I'm washed down in tears, but I know that weeping may endure for a night but Joy comes in the morning light. You said to speak those things as though they were and I am going to speak total happiness and the freedom it brings into my future. I truly love you Lord and I thank you for your healing Grace.
Replies
You truly deserve freedom and happiness. You\'ve been so brave through so many things, you can do this! Adding my prayer to yours for success and joy in your life.
Thank you Maizey the struggle has been long and hard but each day it gets further and further behind me.
I am praying for you!! You are not alone! I too have hid behind my weight for years. Never felt need to loose as I didn\'t really have will power. I have always struggled with my weight and just got used to the fact I would always be over weight. My doctor also encouraged me to do surgery and the very thought of my children growing up without a mother terrified me to the point I knew I needed to do something before I died of a heart attack or stroke from being over weight. I had my surgery 4 months ago and I have lost 46 lbs and feel great! You will do great!! Keep your focus on God and taking good care of yourself physically and spiritualy!! Have a strong support and stay motivated to be a healthier you in 2013!! You can do this!
Thanks Anewme - I acknowledge where i\'ve been because its the only way to get where i\'m going. There is no hiding from God because he knows and sees all and in doing so, He knows my heart and my struggles. Confessing where I\'ve been frees me to move to the next level in my faith walk and my life. I am trusting God now more than ever.