Acerbic
Acerbic: adj.- Sour or bitter tasting; acid. Sharp or biting, as in character or expression. That was me, under the influence of alcohol and an eating disorder. I was bitter, sharp, biting, paranoid, guilty, sneaky, lying, harsh, hard-edged, narcissistic, unstable... I was all those things. I'm speaking in past tense, because I truly believe I'm changing. I wonder if I'm changing BACK. Is this the person I could've been? I wonder... If I had continued to grow in a HEALTHY direction beyond the age of 15... what kind of person could I have been? And then I get angry. Because I've been robbed and lied to for 30 years. And then I get sad. Because it's my own brain that betrayed me. And then I get angry again, but this time it's CONSTRUCTIVE anger. I will use this anger to get myself to the doctor tomorrow morning at 10:30 a.m., where I will SUCK IT UP, and I will tell my regular ol' family-practice doctor, I will tell him, "Doc, I've been bulimic and alcoholic for 30 years. I'm in recovery now. I want a full work-up, blood glucose test, liver panels, EEG, EKG, KGB, WHATEVER, gimme the works!" Is what I will say to my regular ol' family-practice doctor. For me, it will be a significant step to take, to talk to a doctor who doesn't specialize in psychiatric diseases, to admit that to a medical doctor, instead of a psychologist or psychiatrist. It's EASY to say those things to a psychologist, it's NATURAL. But to say that to the doctor who checks your blood pressure and hits your knee with a funny little rubber hammer, well.. that's different. I'm up for it. I want this thing gone. I want it out in the open. I want to say the word "bulimia", I want that word OUT, I want it on my record, on my chart, in INK, THIS is what I'm fighting, THIS is what has tried to destroy me, THIS will no longer be secreted and protected by me. When I hide it, when I protect it, I allow it to continue killing me. Taking away the person I can be. The wife and partner I can be for my husband. Stealing from my children their chance for a healthy, happy, creative, EFFECTIVE mother. I can't apologize for having a disease. Or two distinct WARRING diseases. Between bulimia and alcoholism, I've been shredded, battered about for 30 years. It's a miracle I have anyone or anything left. I didn't become bulimic and alcoholic because I was a bad person. I was a young person, an inexperienced person, and I believed the LIES these diseases told me. How can I apologize for being a 15 year old girl? I know I'm not the first person in recovery to have an issue with the "Make Amends" part. I know that. It's great, you know, if "Make Amends" works for you and it makes you feel better and stronger and strengthens your relationships, GREAT. That's great. For you. For me, it just makes me... frustrated. What, am I going to apologize for being f'@#ed up and f@#ed over?!!! Am I going to apologize for bad choices? WERE they my choices? Who would choose THAT shit?!!!(I believe I mentioned, I'm working through some anger issues right now...ha ha har.. sigh...) I'm angry that bulimia took over my life, when I was so young and so umprepared, unsuspecting, confused, vulnerable... I'm angry that no one has called me on it. I'm angry no one has said, hey, you have a problem. In 30 years, no one NOTICED?!!!! No one noticed, how could you NOT NOTICE!!! If I had written across my forehead in BLACK SHARPIE MARKER, would you NOTICE?!!!! You see, I'm blaming now. That's not healthy. I haven't talked to ANYONE in my family about the bulimia, is the problem. I haven't dealt with it. I'm just not DOING it, I'm not binging and purging, and I'm calling that "recovery". I'm not doing the BEHAVIORS, but that doesn't take away the diseased thinking, the urges, the compulsions. I'm hoping the doctor can give me some more concrete, physical-type answers. I could very well be hypoglycemic. And then what? Cut out sugar? I've cut out alcohol, caffeine, binging, and purging. And now you're gonna take away my chocolate? This is bullshit. Har! Positive positive positive, think positive... Today is going to be great. When I get up, the whites of my eyes will actually be WHITE, my thinking will be sharp, I won't have to go over and over in my mind "What did I say? Did I say something stupid? Why did I SAY that? Did I look stupid? Did I slur? Could they tell? Could they smell it? Did I offend anyone?..." INFINITY. All that questioning and worrying and recreating and STUPIFYING REGRET will be gone. I will gain another day of sobriety and possibility. I will have energy, and drive, and better yet, I will have the tools to actually ACCOMPLISH something. I didn't have that before. I can choose to clean out the barn. Or I can work in the gardens. I can actually go out there and divide the peonies before it's too late! I can have THREE TIMES the enormous fuschia peony blossoms this year!! I can have unlimited daggone HOSTAS this year! I've been wanting to divide those plants for YEARS, but haven't been able to drag myself away from my diseases long enough to do so. I'm free to do that now. That feels so good. I love getting dirty, I love digging, I love getting in shape, getting strong, smelling the dirt and the roots and the rocks, lifting, hauling, raking, digging. I'm grateful to be able to work, physically. To be able to run up and down the stairs, to lift and move furniture, laundry, children... So very grateful for physical health. (now if I can just get the MENTAL health on board, eh? If I can pull together the COMPLETE PACKAGE...) What I started to say, about "acerbic"... that's how I used to be. I would say ANYTHING, just to be funny. Didn't matter how harsh or shocking, I would say it. For the shock value. The attention. To dominate the conversation. But now, I find myself, I don't know, being more... generous? I'm listening better. I'm apologising when I accidently interrupt someone. I never used to do that, I used to just plow on through with what I had to say.. I'm thinking about other people's feelings and experiences and perceptions. I'm more OUTSIDE myself. It feels so good not to be constantly measuring myself, judging, and always always always disappointed in what I saw. I have so much more inner strength, mostly because I'm not HIDING anymore. The hiding and the sneaking and the guilt made me feel so... LESS THAN everyone else. So weak. Pathetic. I don't know, I'm not conveying anything very clearly right now, I'm just trying to document what I'm going through. It's a mess, anger, fear, hope, joy, recrimination, remorse, delight, gratitude, murderous fury... you name it, I got it goin on.
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