Accepting being alone....
I sit here tonight at the computer with the TV on. I have to vent, so bear with me. This is how my nights will go from now on. It's scary to think that this how the rest of my life will be. Yes, I could go out and join alot of clubs and do alot of activities, but I'm not really interested in doing that. I enjoy being at home and doing my thing. Guess now that my "other half" is gone, I will spending my days alone. I better get used to it.
I went out to the RV repair shop where my bus was being repaired. The repairs are done, so I paid the bill. The buyers are coming on Saturday to pick it up. Yet another piece of my married life will by driving away.
I haven't seen my sons much lately. They have their lives to live and I don't expect them to see me every day. If they want something or want a good meal they will come by.
I have tried to get house repairs done, but as of yet, nothing has been done. I have gotten estimates, but I doubt that anything will actually get done until next spring or summer. Oh well, guess I'm not going anywhere for awhile. I do the best I can and do what I can. I became very independent when Chuck would deply when he was in the Navy
When Chuck was ill, we had a steady stream of folks checking on us, wondering how we were doing. This lasted a short time after he died, but now seems like my "support network" has vanished. Everyone is back to their lives "doing their thing". Other than this site, I don't have anyone to talk to and that really understands. Possibly other have experienced this.
I know that all of this is part of God's "master plan" but sometimes I wonder why I'm here. One reason is for my youngest, who one night told he needed a Mom. He may...money, good food, but not my company. He has a new wife and friends and certainly doesn't want to hang with an old woman. My other son spends time with friends and doesn't want to hang with me either. So, that leaves me in my house alone and going to work occasionally.
It's very frightening to accept the fact that this is how the rest of my life will be. Chuck accepted me for who I am and was so comfortable to just be with doing nothing.
Enought rambling....rest peacefully my soulmate. I miss you so much.
Nancy
I went out to the RV repair shop where my bus was being repaired. The repairs are done, so I paid the bill. The buyers are coming on Saturday to pick it up. Yet another piece of my married life will by driving away.
I haven't seen my sons much lately. They have their lives to live and I don't expect them to see me every day. If they want something or want a good meal they will come by.
I have tried to get house repairs done, but as of yet, nothing has been done. I have gotten estimates, but I doubt that anything will actually get done until next spring or summer. Oh well, guess I'm not going anywhere for awhile. I do the best I can and do what I can. I became very independent when Chuck would deply when he was in the Navy
When Chuck was ill, we had a steady stream of folks checking on us, wondering how we were doing. This lasted a short time after he died, but now seems like my "support network" has vanished. Everyone is back to their lives "doing their thing". Other than this site, I don't have anyone to talk to and that really understands. Possibly other have experienced this.
I know that all of this is part of God's "master plan" but sometimes I wonder why I'm here. One reason is for my youngest, who one night told he needed a Mom. He may...money, good food, but not my company. He has a new wife and friends and certainly doesn't want to hang with an old woman. My other son spends time with friends and doesn't want to hang with me either. So, that leaves me in my house alone and going to work occasionally.
It's very frightening to accept the fact that this is how the rest of my life will be. Chuck accepted me for who I am and was so comfortable to just be with doing nothing.
Enought rambling....rest peacefully my soulmate. I miss you so much.
Nancy
Replies
Hi Nancy...I can relate...for me it\'s the radio & my computer...I sent my husband\'s truck off with friends over the weekend...the husband is going to try to sell it for me...I couldn\'t drive it & plan to use the money to get me a better vehicle...my old car has become a bit cantankerous...I stood & cried as they drove it away, knowing that I\'d likely never see or hear it pull into the drive again...bits & pieces of my \"before\" life, falling away...Like you most of my time is spent @ home alone...I\'m disabled, nothing serious, just bad enough to keep me from being able to work...back & hip problems. No Biological children, but we (I) have 3 daughters@heart...one is my sister\'s daughter & lives in WA state, the other two live about 35 miles from where I do...the oldest of the two is a young mom with her 2nd baby due in just a couple weeks, the other is a Sr in high school, lives with her mother...they are good to call & check on me & they worry about me being \"way out here\" by myself, but I keep reassuring that I\'m doing \"okay\"... that\'s what I tell everyone...they accept it as the truth, because that\'s what they want to hear...I\'m fortunate to a good circle of phone friends...I live 15 miles out of town...none of my close friends live anywhere near me...they are the ones I call when I\'m not having a \"good day\"...and then I have my wonderful DS friends...they are the ones that understand...they let me vent...they let me express my true feelings, offer their love, advice, hugs, & most importantly, their understanding...thank you for being part of that wonderful group... HUGS ~E~ (I\'ll probably end up turning this comment into a journal post :0 )
Hi Nancy,
I\'m sitting at the computer next to you and ~E~. I am so thankful to have found this place where you can express your feelings and people understand. My children are grown and have their own lives, except my handicapped son who I take care of. He must be my purpose for still being here. I am getting the same actions from all the love and support that was given before my husbands passing. I know they all have lives and would probably like to forget this happened. Don\'t we wish we had that option? Just as there was no cure for cancers suffering, there is no cure for mine. I only pray God can ease it before to long. I have to tend to my work and try to provide a life for my son. I feel lost and have no GPS to get me back on track. I also tell people I\'m okay and they tell me how good I\'m doing. I must be an accomplished liar! I feel empty and hollow inside except for the misery. I have found this computer to be my best company ever. We seem to spend hours together and I know I would be crazy without it. So I wish each of us a better day and look forward to hearing everyones stories and advice. Hugs
Hi Nancy - I can so relate to you. I, however, have no children to come and visit me. Richard had two children by a previous marriage but they live far away. I stil have a network of friends from church but that is getting to be less and less. Thank God for this site with people who understand and can relate to what I am going through.
I wish for your God\'s peace during this difficult time.
Hugs, Carla
Dear Nancy, E, Judy and Carla -
As always, I do so understand how you feel - and I seem to be feeling it a bit more lately than in the past couple of months. I don\'t know if the reality of my loss is finally setting in, or if it\'s the change of the seasons to the season that Mark loved the most, or the upcoming holidays......but the sadness and the pain seems to have intensified lately and the tears just flow more. Can\'t explain it - guess I don\'t have to.
I believe also in God\'s \"master plan\" but I would so like to be able to understand it. I know it\'s not for us to understand - but it sure would help my mind wrap around everything that has happened and why.
I don\'t have biological children - but Mark has two kids, his son lives with me and he\'s 20 and his daughter is 26 but is on her own. I also had so many people call and come by right after I lost Mark - but like you, they have resumed their own lives - gone back to the lives they have had - and unfortunately we can\'t do that; we have to somehow forge ahead to make a new \"life\", whatever that is.
I am so glad to have found all of you here - it has been a Godsend to find people who completely understand how I feel and the comfort and support has been wonderful.
Hugs to all of you - and I thank God for you too,
Chris
E, Judy, Carla and Chris,
Thankyou so much for taking the time to read my journal entry and for your words of kindness and support. Your friendship and understanding mean a great deal. Take care....Nancy
Nancy, and all, I suppose all of us know about this lonely life. I realize there are some who still have children living at home, or maybe another relative. I believe that most of us, though, are by ourselves.
The computer, tv, radio and books keep me company, along with my Pug. I seldom get a phone call anymore, except from my sister, or one of my kids. It seems others, such as couples we used to go out with, have forgotten that I\'m still here. My closest friends still keep in contact by computer, or by texting, occasionally. Its just NOT the kind of life I\'ve had for YEARS!!
I seem to be adjusting well, most of the time. Being a loner seems to have become my lifestyle for much of the time. Everyone has their own life to live, and, of course, that is the human way.
Thank Goodness for DS!! At least we can be here for each other.
Hugs, Joely